Wen 丨 Forest Mommy
Xie Nan asked a question in a show: Do 4-year-old children have to let 3-year-olds? What did he learn more? Just because I went to kindergarten for an extra year?
She said: "Our family has two children, all day fighting for chickens and dogs jumping, after I was a mother for 6 years, I had an epiphany, what to eat and drink and play with, what they are fighting for in the end, what they are fighting for is the attention of their parents." ”
01
After many parents have the second treasure, they will teach the big treasure to let the younger brothers and sisters, especially when the two children are not old and are in the age of competing with each other, the solution to the contradiction between the two children is always inclined, and the older brother and sister should let the younger brother and sister.
For 5-year-old Hua Hua, because of the arrival of her brother, everything in the family has become different recently than before. From the moment her mother came home from the hospital with the crying baby in her arms, everyone told Hua Hua that she was now a sister.
But apparently the 5-year-old "big sister" wasn't ready for her new identity.
Relatives and friends will come to the house to tease the new baby, and completely ignore the existence of flowers, and the new toys and new clothes are also owned by the new baby. What is even more sad is that mom and dad's eyes seem to grow on this "troublesome person", who has to look at this troublesome baby at night without sleeping, and while the baby sleeps, she is asked to be quiet.
Not only that, they slept next to him, holding him and shaking him, they were exhausted by this little baby, and there was no longer more time to play the games they used to play with Huahua.
As a result, Hua Hua's mood began to become unstable and easy to get angry. When she sees her baby drinking milk, she will also hum for milk to drink. In fact, Hua Hua did not like to drink milk powder since she was a child. Not only that, in just one month, she "lost" all her skills, and she needed help from her parents for big and small things.
For this younger brother who has just arrived and "competed" with himself, Hua Hua also showed full unkindness, and the situation of two children crying at the same time occurred from time to time, which made parents have headaches.
02
From the perspective of adults, you will feel how this child is so ignorant, but from the perspective of a child, you will find that all this is too strange. Why did all of a sudden mom and dad and grandparents start asking her to be sensible, and why did she need to "grow up" overnight?
Mom and Dad said that because my brother is still young, he can't do anything and needs to be taken care of, so she will feel that if I don't know anything, will Mom and Dad pay attention to me a little more? This is why children "behave backwards".
Since the opening of the two-child and three-child policies, many families have also ushered in their own "two-child, three-child era", but this new family model, the situation is far more complicated than imagined.
With the arrival of this new member, Dabao's performance usually has two types:
For most children, they are not alarmed on the surface, but they can also insincerely say the words of "love for their brother (sister)", they are willing to help take care of the baby, such as helping to take the bottle, take the diaper, cover the quilt, etc., and can also express the desire to hug the younger brother and sister;
There are also a few children who will show obvious resistance, greatly annoyed by the fact that they have been "ousted from the throne", and sometimes even transfer this anger to innocent babies, who are obviously hostile to this "unknown guy".
However, in either case, the child's deep jealousy is growing and spreading, and perhaps they cannot say the name of this feeling or understand the existence of this feeling, but it really affects the child's psychology and behavior.
And the generation of this emotion stems precisely from the misconduct of parents and mothers.
03
So what should parents do for families that are about to usher in new members so that their children's connection with our emotions is not interrupted, so that children can find a sense of belonging in the family?
1. Talk to your child about their infancy
Before the arrival of the newborn baby, parents can talk to the child about the little life that is still in the mother's belly, tell the child about the baby's upcoming time, and tell him what the new baby's life will make.
Then Shunshi told the child how his family arranged the room, small bed, clothes, and small quilts for him when he was a small baby, and told him that everyone liked him at that time, and also prepared a lot of interesting toys and books for him. It is recommended that the mother take out the photo album of the child's infancy and help the child understand what a baby's life may be like whenever possible.
2. The more you participate, the less loss you will feel
As much as possible, involve children in the preparation for the arrival of newborns, such as decorating the room, buying toys, etc., and parents can also ask children to make suggestions, such as the color of sheets or clothes. When the new baby arrives, you can also let the child participate in the care of the newborn, such as singing a song to the baby, or helping to get diapers. Remember that the stronger the sense of participation, the lower the child's sense of loss, and the child's affirmation of self-skills and contribution to the family can help them to a large extent to gain a sense of value and belonging.
3. Be sure to give your child "one-on-one" time
The arrival of new members is always accompanied by surprises and challenges, no matter how anxious we are, remember to set aside some special time for Dabao, which we call "one-on-one" time. This period of time does not have to be too long, but it is necessary to exist. Maybe try reading a storybook or listening to your child at the dinner table share what's happening at school. The "one-on-one" time here is best not disturbed by work, friends or other family chores, and when necessary, we can ask other members of the family to take care of the baby temporarily.
Multi-child families are different from one-child families, the relationship between parents and children is sometimes very delicate, handled well, two children will love each other and love their parents, handled poorly, it may lay a psychological shadow for the future growth of two children, and this shadow is largely from the child's jealousy.
Finally, I would like to give parents a sentence that Fu Seoul in "Strange Story" said: "If your child has a hundred sugars in his hand, how can he mind sharing them; but if your child only has two sugars in his hands, why do you ask him to be generous?" ”