With the popularization of scientific parenting concepts, the team of "new parents" has gradually grown.
Everyone began to abandon the traditional concept of "filial piety under the stick" and actively learned and practiced scientific parenting methods. One of the most representative practices is to adjust "critical education" to "praise education".
However, we often overlook this: everything has two sides. Reasonable praise will make children confident and optimistic, but excessive praise will have a negative impact on children's lives.
Destroy your child's autonomy and make them passive and dependent
There is a sentence in "The Courage to Teach Regardless of Teaching": "If you can't confirm the correctness of your words and deeds, you are very happy to get praise from others, and once you are criticized, you will immediately change your words and deeds, which is a manifestation of inability to be independent."
For example, students walking on campus and seeing garbage on the road. If a teacher walks by, he will pick it up, and if the teacher passes by, he will not pick it up. The reason is simple, because there is no praise for doing this.
One mother spoke of her daughter's case. When the child starts eating independently, every time she says, "Baby, you're awesome." Later, when my daughter was halfway through eating, she suddenly stopped and asked to praise her. The mom realized the problem and didn't answer the phone. The daughter immediately gave up eating on her own and let her mother feed her.
Both of the above cases show that "blind praise" can seriously damage children's autonomy and is a stumbling block on the road to parenting.
How to improve: Guide your child to pay attention to their inner feelings.
For example, when your child learns to eat on their own, ask them, "Baby, do you feel happy eating by yourself?" or "You must be happy with your performance."
This guidance allows children to experience a sense of accomplishment and develop their autonomy by mobilizing their intrinsic motivation.
Destroy children's initiative and make them conservative and timid
If parents often praise their children for being smart and powerful, their children will only do what they are sure of in order to get praise, and they will choose to avoid things that are slightly difficult. Because failure means that they are "no longer smart" and "no longer great", and they no longer have the praise of their parents.
For example, when some children play puzzles, they only like to spell simple ones, because as long as they are finished, they will be praised. Once they see a slightly more complicated puzzle, they will refuse, a praise that they are worried about losing their parents because they can't spell well.
There are also a few students with good grades who will unexpectedly choose to give up when faced with difficult competitions. The reason behind it is the same, because of the fear of not doing well in the test, I have lost the praise and trust of teachers and parents.
Ways to improve: Praise focuses on process rather than results.
For example, praise your child when they carefully put together a picture: "Baby, you are so serious when you put together a picture" or "Mom likes you for your care."
Doing so is to tell children that mom and dad are more focused on the effort they put in the process than the end result. Then the next time they are faced with a more complex puzzle, the child will not give up the challenge for fear of failure.
Destroy your child's cognitive system and make them feel inferior or conceited
If children do simple things and things within their abilities are also frequently praised, the results are often counterproductive.
In the first case, what can be done easily is greatly praised, which will make the child question his own ability and feel inferior.
For example, a 6-year-old dresses himself, and his mother says, "Baby is so powerful." This skill is something that children should know within the age range, and excessive praise from parents will make children feel that their abilities are low, and then feel inferior.
In the second case, blind praise will immerse the child in the misconception of "I am perfect", and it is easy to lose himself because of pride.
Wang Anshi's Fang Zhongyong is a typical case. Fang Zhongyong had a very high talent for poetry when he was a child, and later stopped learning in the pursuit and praise of the people around him, and grew up to become a person who could not write poetry.
How to improve: Put reasonable praise when your child needs it.
For example, children practice playing the piano. If you're playing a proficient basic etude, you can just listen quietly. If your child has completed a song that would not have been done or broken through a difficult point through hard work, you need to affirm and praise his efforts in time.
Intrinsic Motivation says, "For praise to be positive, you must reduce controlling language and behavior and let go of the idea of controlling others from the bottom of your heart."
Children are completely independent of our individuals, and their goals in life need to be achieved through self-effort. We should not use external evaluation to control children to make them obedient, but should use scientific methods to help children develop their potential and stimulate their inner motivation for growth.