On July 17, 2020, criminal suspect Wu Hao was tried at the Baoshan District People's Court in Shanghai and sentenced to 10 months in prison for fraud.
The reason was that after his mother's death, he hid her in the freezer for half a year and continued to receive a pension in her place.
In addition to money, the reason why Wu Hao did not bury his mother was mainly because he was troublesome. It sounds ridiculous, but it is.
After the death of his mother, Wu Hao inquired on the Internet about how to bury the deceased, and found that there were too many processes and various procedures were needed, so he chose to give up. In Wu Hao's world, dealing with people is the most annoying thing for him, and for this reason, he prefers not to get married in his forties.
So, why would Wu Hao do such a ridiculous thing?
The answer is naturally inseparable from the education of parents.
Wu Hao, is the mother treasure man in people's mouths, everything is responsible for the mother, even the bowl must be brought to him when eating, this is a spoiled child, but also a "wasted" child.
There are many adults like "Wu Hao" in life, they are accustomed to the efforts of their parents, unwilling to take any responsibility, just like "waste" people, and the reason why they are like this is because their parents do too much for them.
There is a word in the psychology of this situation, called chaotic symbiosis, which is the reason why many parents raise their children "waste".
01
Children in chaotic symbiosis,
It is difficult to be an independent individual
Psychologist Margaret Mahler refers to the infancy of 6 months as a normal symbiotic period.
At this stage, the baby will feel that I am the mother, the mother is me, and I and the mother form a community, the body and the mind are connected, also known as the mother and baby community, that is, regardless of you and me, regardless of each other.
For babies six months ago, symbiosis is normal and necessary, and other symbiosis is pathological.
That is to say, when the child grows up, if the mother and the child are still unable to distinguish between "you are you, I am me", it will lead to chaos and then fall into chaos and symbiosis.
The so-called chaotic symbiosis refers to the fact that people are entangled with each other and lack clear boundaries.
Chaotic symbiosis, complex relationships, entangled with each other, locked in individuals, not only children can not grow into independent people, parents' lives are also very hard.
Wu Hao, mentioned above, he is used to being spoiled by his parents, especially his mother, unwilling to deal with outsiders, even unwilling to do work, and the loss of the concept of labor has led to the degradation of his life.
It can be seen that if parents and children are in chaotic symbiosis, and they are still protected when they are separated, they will make children never grow up and do not understand what a sense of responsibility is.
02
The best love of parents for their children,
It is separation from the child
Love is to be together, and only the love of parents for their children points to separation.
If parents and children are not separated, the children will never grow up.
Many mama boys or mamabao women, they become "wasted" people, not only their own problems, but also the responsibility of parents, because many parents are not willing to be separated from their children.
As the staff of the neighborhood committee of Wu Hao's community said: "Maybe his mother has a certain economic position at home, and she is also relatively strong, and she may have always spoiled this son, a mother-baby type, and her son does not have contact with the outside world, nor does she deal with people." ”
Originally, Wu Hao wanted to go out to work and be a security guard or something, but his mother wouldn't let him go, saying", "What is there to do with such a little money."
We see that his mother is very upset with her son, but this is actually harming the child.
Most of the children who are raised to be "wasted" are because of the doting of their parents, especially their mothers, and behind the doting is the unwillingness to separate from their children.
In addition to this explicit, child-loving way, there is also an invisible parent who is mainly critical and accusatory.
For example, some parents will say that children earn less and have poor independence, can we do it? It is also a practice that does not want to separate.
They seem to distrust the child, in fact, they are worried that the child will not live well, they will become unqualified, incompetent parents, so they have been involved in the child's life, more often involved, that is, interference and control, and finally laborious, the child is not only not independent, but also complains about the "incompetence" of the parents.
It can be seen that parents who love their children should know how to let go and trust their children.
03
Out of chaos symbiosis,
Parents and children need to do their own thing
Adler, the founder of individual psychology, proposed the concept of "subject separation", which means who is responsible for the subject.
That is, parents should not interfere in their children's lives, and children should not expect their parents to help themselves. Parents are not selfish in doing this, but helping their children grow.
Think about it, parents will not always accompany the child, the child will eventually need to face everything in life, the purpose of separation is to let the child understand that his life needs to be responsible.
As a parent, if you can't be "cruel", then ask yourself, what is the fear behind it? Is it really love children to do this yourself?
When parents often reflect on what they have done to their children, they are likely to become aware of their own desire for control and possessiveness and then "leave" the child.
As an adult, if your parents are the kind of parents who are strong and willing to interfere in their own affairs, you need to learn to confront them.
The purpose of confrontation is not to break off relations with parents, nor to ignore parents, but to get rid of the bad influence of the original family on themselves, learn to define themselves, and do not do so selfishly, because emotional independence does not mean completely severing relations with parents, but that we are a family, but we are also independent individuals. This means we can be ourselves and our parents don't have to change who they are.
In her book Family of Origin: How to Mend Our Character Flaws, internationally renowned counselor Susan Foward points out that we can confront our parents by writing letters or interviews in order to say what we want to say.
Of course, we must be mentally prepared to do so, because parents may use threats, and more importantly, we must also realize that when parents do not listen to us, we should not feel guilty, because although we will be miserable, we will be responsible for ourselves.
In fact, a child is raised "wasted", although the parents' reluctance to "separate" is the main reason, but to get out of the chaotic symbiosis, more is the need for the child himself.
Because the shackles of the original family are cut off, the responsibility for the change is the child himself, not the parent.
As Susan puts it, there is no such thing as a "failed standoff", "a standoff is the most exciting stage on the road to independence." Whatever happens during or after the standoff, as long as you have the courage to put it into action, you are the winner. ”
I hope that after being released from prison, Wu Hao can take responsibility for his own life and let his mother be buried as soon as possible, because her mother's legacy is still in the freezer of the funeral home.