Literature/learning is the treasure of the body
The autologous psychoanalyst Kohut said: "What kind of parents are is more important than what the parents do." ”
Deeply.
So, how do you tell who your parents are? Or what kind of people are parents who can better educate their children?
Zeng Qifeng, a well-known psychologist in China, gave the answer, that is, parents should become a refreshing person.
Including, in the relationship, the boundaries are clear, not sticky; can enjoy themselves, not too dependent on others; deal with things decisively, do not drag mud and water; know how to respect the boundaries of others, and so on.
Of course, these are all said from the personality of the parents.
Today's article, we will talk about why refreshing parents are more able to cope with parent-child problems.
1. Refreshing parents will deal with their anxiety
We must believe that the vast majority of parents want to be good parents and want to educate their children well, but some parents have a good starting point, but the result is counterproductive.
For example, parents who are anxious about their children's grades, especially mothers, urge their children to use the reason of "I am all for your own good", and even punish their children to let their children study hard.
So, does their anxiety really come from their children's poor grades?
Perhaps, in their view, poor grades mean that they can't get into a good university, or even college, and the life of people who don't go to a good university, or people who don't go to college, is difficult (of course, there are other reasons, such as poor grades make them lose face, etc.), so they will pass this anxiety to their children.
In this way, it is not that parents should ignore their children's academic performance, but that parents can take a good look at their hearts and ask themselves what they are anxious about, and is the fear behind anxiety really a fact.
In fact, parents who are anxious about their children's poor grades are more likely to believe that an ordinary person (or someone who didn't go to a good college, or someone who didn't go to college) can live happily.
In the subconscious of parents, their lives always feel unhappy enough, and only when they have more, better, and better do they feel very happy, so they have high requirements and expectations for their children.
But in fact, happiness is a subjective feeling, and everyone's feelings about happiness are different.
Actor Tao Hong once said in an interview that it is not difficult to be a good mother, the key is to deal with the relationship with yourself.
Tao Hong's experience of being fostered when she was a child has always felt that the relationship with her mother is not close enough, but after many aspects of exploration, she found that this is not the case, she understood her mother's decision at that time, and also understood her mother's love for herself, so she who was reconciled with her mother in her heart would be more relaxed when facing her relationship with her children.
Because she did not over-compensate for the lack of love in her childhood, or the projection of her neglected self onto the child.
From this point of view, Tao Hong is a refreshing mother, because she knows how to deal with her anxiety and emotions.
This is also what the psychological counselor Cong Fei said from the teacher:
"When you stop experiencing so much anxiety about your life, you don't feel anxious about your child's life. When you stop trying to control your life, you don't control your children. The answer to the parent-child question is never in the child, but in the relationship between the parents and themselves. ”
2. Refreshing parents who will not force their children
As mentioned earlier, refreshing parents will deal with their own anxiety, in addition, they will not force their children, can understand their children's decisions, and respect their children's choices.
Frank in the movie "Journey to Heaven", no different from other ordinary parents, he was a worker who painted protective layers on wires, he had four children, and now retired at home, after the death of his wife, he found that his relationship with the children was estranged, because it was his wife and children who had been in contact, so he wanted to try to rebuild his relationship with the children, so he ignored the doctor's admonition (he had a heart attack, not suitable for a plane alone) and embarked on a journey to visit the children alone.
It is in this process that he slowly becomes a refreshing father, because he realizes that his love for his children is imposed.
The eldest daughter, Amy, has problems with her marriage, the eldest son, Robert, is not a conductor, the younger daughter is gay and already has children of her own, the second son, David, has died and has not become the great painter he wants him to be, it can be said that Frank's four children did not live out what he expected.
But what moves people about the film is that Frank knows that his previous ideas and practices are wrong, and he sees through it but does not say it.
At the end of the film, Frank, lying in a hospital bed, sincerely apologizes to David and tells him that "whatever you do, I am proud of you", and he has become a good father of the children.
Refreshing parents understand that their children's lives can be different from their own expectations, because children are an independent individual, not an appendage to their parents, and they are not a tool for parents.
As the poet Gibran said in "To the Children":
"Your children, not just your children, they are children of life, they come through you, but not from you, they are with you, but they do not belong to you." 」
3. Refreshing parents, able to handle their relationship with themselves
In fact, at the beginning of the article, Zeng Qifeng said that the characteristics of refreshing parents can be boiled down to one point, that is, they can handle their relationship with themselves.
Because they handle themselves and their relationships well, they can better handle their relationships with children.
One of the key points is to achieve the "separation of topics" proposed by psychologist Adler, that is, who is responsible for whose topics.
For the child's education, parents should of course be responsible, do their duty, but at the same time have a sense of boundaries, can not pass on their anxiety to the child, can not use the imposition of the way to love the child, to know that the child's things ultimately need the child to be responsible, and the parents to do is to live their own life, but too much interference.
Parents who are anxious about their children's affairs should ask themselves these questions:
Are you anxious, or are you really anxious for your child? Do you have a compensatory psychology? Are you using your child?
These questions help parents to perceive their own emotions and thoughts, which is conducive to achieving "subject separation".
Of course, it is not easy to do this, which not only requires parents to be aware of their own problems, but also needs to consciously change in the process of educating their children, for example, how to communicate without evaluation, how to accept the child's ordinary, and so on.
Write at the end:
Good parents, not born, they all become in the process of educating their children.
If parents can think from a different perspective, they all need to learn to become good parents, they are likely to accept that their children are not good enough for the time being, and then learn to use "children's lives" to consider the current deficiencies, not rush to label their children, help children find problems and solve problems, and see the power of time.
In fact, parents believe in their children, that is, they believe in themselves; parents accept their children, they accept themselves.
End of this article
Thank you for reading