Media: "Partner" magazine, December 2021, Issue 511, P46 "Marriage and Romance Clinic"
Experts in this issue: Fei Rin, psychological counselor of Guangzhou Heard Bar Psychological Counseling Center, national second-level psychological counselor.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years, and my family has always thought that we have a good relationship, but in fact, I have been subjected to domestic violence repeatedly. Every time I was beaten, I suffered severe physical and mental pain, but I was afraid that my family would be ugly, and after crying, I could only swallow my anger and close the door to continue living.
I have also thought about divorce many times. I was worried that I would have all kinds of gossip when I returned to my mother's house after the divorce, and I had to raise two children alone, plus my husband threatened me many times, I really did not dare to divorce.
Now I can only live in fear, afraid that I will accidentally provoke him. This kind of day is really painful, and I am more afraid that it will affect my child's mental health, what should I do?
Guangzhou heard about the interpretation of the chief counselor Fei Rin:
Ah Yun's experience reflects the plight of many women who are deeply involved in domestic violence, who have suffered great harm in family life, fallen into learned helplessness, long-term tension, worry, pain, and are very prone to certain psychosomatic diseases.
While people are full of anger at the perpetrator's atrocities and sympathy for the victims' experiences, there is also a lot of confusion and confusion, why can't the victims leave that violent environment?
◎ Psychologist Renaud Walker said: "People who do not leave domestic violence often fall into a pattern of repeated relationships with their abusers called 'cycles of violence'." ”
Usually the formation of this mode of getting along between men and women has the following stages of development:
Step 1: Lure and confuse the victim.
In the early days of love, the man was very considerate and caring to the woman, giving the woman an experience of love that she had never had before. And the woman does not see a hint of violence or controlling, or anger in him.
Step 2: Isolate the victim.
Men are likely to make her quit her job, keep out of contact with friends, or even have less contact with her relatives in order to control her. In this way, the woman has no financial income and social support, and can only rely on the only relationship and the only person.
Step 3: Threaten the victim with violence and observe their reaction.
After the violence, the man will regret and feel guilty for his atrocity, and will atone for his sins and love the woman for a period of time, even many times better than before, in exchange for the woman's forgiveness, and strengthen the woman's unrealistic illusions, expecting the male branch to be completely changed because of himself.
But the biggest feature of domestic violence is repeated attacks.
The reason why the victim is inseparable from the abuser, in addition to isolation and this pathological expectation, is also related to internal fear - many victims due to the early experience and experience of abuse, in the adult gender relationship, on the surface, seem to be dedicated to the pursuit of beauty and happiness, but subconsciously will look for the familiarity of abuse, the more familiar, the safer they feel. This is also the reason why many victims are obviously in pain, but they are constantly immersed in it.
In fact, swallowing anger and giving each other opportunities again and again encourages the man's violent behavior and creates a vicious circle of violence.
So what should be done when violence occurs?
First of all, we must learn to protect ourselves, get out of the violent environment, escape from the house, you can also shout for help to your family and neighbors, you can also call the police on 110, ask the police to make a record, and let the other party sign the record to form a deterrent.
When serious injuries are received, it is necessary to go to the hospital for an examination or go to a forensic medical institution for an injury evaluation, and keep various evidence such as scars, clothing, and the murder weapon of the abuser.
In particular, it should be noted that when suffering domestic violence for the first time, you must not easily forgive and tolerate the other party, and let him be punished accordingly.
Let him understand that violent communication does not work for you. Forgiveness will only perpetuate and escalate violence.
Second, victims should review the situation in which conflict and violence occurred, learn to avoid conflict and remain silent in a timely manner, and avoid similar situations from reappearing;
Learn to express your feelings for him and his family in language and behavior, tap his ability to empathize, and let him understand how you feel when you suffer violence; Seek professional counseling and learn with him to improve communication patterns.
Finally, when violence has become a regular means of communication in marriage and the relationship between the parties has broken down, it has become difficult to improve the relationship, and the decision to divorce can be considered.
With the implementation of the anti-domestic violence law, more and more female victims realize that they are suffering harm and have the courage to seek help such as legal and psychological intervention to protect themselves and their families.
Ayun may also actively seek help from friends and relatives, legal or aid agencies, and psychological counseling agencies to determine how to stop domestic violence.
I believe that once you have a strong inner strength, you will have the courage to get out of the trough and bring a healthy growth environment for your two children.
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