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Is your relationship with your mom good? What is your pattern of getting along with her? What was the reason she made you sad the most in your memories?
In a family, the mother bears the important responsibility of raising the child, and although a person's character development is related to many factors, the influence of the mother definitely plays a decisive role.
The Austrian psychiatrist Adler once said that the lucky people use childhood to heal their lives, while the unfortunate need to use their future lives to heal childhood.
Susan Forward, an internationally renowned psychologist, said that what really destroys you may not be the original family, but these three "toxic" mothers, and the toxic behavior mentioned here does not refer to the occasional emotional trough, but the behavior of long-term and frequent tantrums to the child.
Mothers who are overly controlling
If a mother has too much control, they are particularly afraid that they will no longer be needed by their children. For such mothers, they hope that their children will never be able to live independently, and once their children are mature and independent, they will get rid of the mother's control, which will bring great pain to the mother.
Such a mother regards her child as the only one in her life, but when the child flies far away, the mother's life loses its meaning.
Why are there extremely controlling parents? To put it simply, such people certainly have a strong desire to control, but they also pour out everything to their children, and when they think that everything they have given to their children, children must use obedience and understanding as a reward for their parents, otherwise it is filial piety.
Song Qian in the TV series "Little Joy" is a typical example, in order to monitor her daughter's every move at all times, she changed the wall between her daughter's bedroom and living room into transparent glass.
She habitually decides everything for her children, winter camp, college entrance examination volunteers, everything requires her to come up with ideas, and her daughter unsurprisingly suffers from moderate depression in this high-pressure life.
In her daughter's heart, there is no warmth in the home, like a prison. Some parents do not have a clear desire to control their children by using care as a package.
Previously, a mother had to wait for her child to come back to eat after working overtime, and the child told her several times that she did not have to wait, but when he returned home at 8 o'clock at night, he found that the family still did not eat and waited for him.
From the child's point of view, this does not make him happy, but feels the moral kidnapping from the family, not so much that the mother is worried that the child's health will deteriorate without eating, but rather that her subconscious wants to use this way to order the child to come home early.
Manipulative parents cannot tolerate their children's independence, and once the child shows signs of resistance, they will constantly exert pressure, so that the child's personality will become more and more immature, so that they can control the child's life forever.
Mothers with verbal abuse tendencies
When children are young, they often regard their parents as the only one in life, and their evaluation of themselves depends on their parents' evaluation of him.
Parents with verbal abuse tendencies often use extreme speech and high-frequency abuse to treat their children, and the children feel no love in the parents, only the depreciation of appearance, intelligence, ability and value as a person.
Some mothers often insult their children, such as: "Why are you so stupid?" "I don't know why I gave birth to you" and so on.
Others turn small things over and over again, even if such parents are right, but if one thing appears frequently, the child will not be able to stand it.
Children who have been abused for a long time will be particularly insecure, and in Maslow's hierarchy of needs, security is located in the 2nd layer, which belongs to the basic needs of people, and when the child is insecure, he will suffer from loss and loss, and live in fear every day.
The child's world view is not yet mature, his various practices are from the heart, if the parents do not understand him, but blindly curb his behavior, and even use the abandonment of the other party as a threat, then the child will continue to suppress the heart when he grows up, and then become a flattering personality.
Mothers with physical abuse tendencies
When the child is crying incessantly, many parents will not be able to resist the child's direct spanking of the ass twice, this punishment stems from the child's challenge to the parent's authority, but the mother with the tendency to physical abuse is usually not because the child makes a mistake, but takes the initiative to find fault.
Once they encounter the pressure of work, family contradictions, such mothers will casually find an excuse to punch and kick their children, if the children live in a violent family for a long time, they will form a contradictory and divided personality, on the one hand, hate violence, hate parents, on the other hand, they will see the parents' practices as an example, believing that violent means are the only way to solve problems and vent emotions.
All in all, the original family can greatly affect a person's personality, and these kinds of mothers are an important reason for ruining a child.
- The End -
Author | Tommy
Edit | Rain
The First Psychological Writing Group | A group of young people who like to look up at the stars
参考资料：Bruk, A., Scholl, S. G., & Bless, H. (2018). Beautiful mess effect: Self–other differences in evaluation of showing vulnerability. Journal of personality and social psychology, 115(2), 192-205