The "rebellious period" is a necessary stage for every child, which is already a relatively common consensus.
But this consensus does not alleviate the anxiety of parents, and it is still a major challenge for parents whose children are about to enter or are in adolescence.
"I'm really going to get angry!" This sentence is not an exaggeration, but the real feelings of many parents.
How angry children in the rebellious period is, parents who have experienced it know.
This is a complex emotion, both the anger of the parents' majesty and provocation, and the disappointment of hating iron and steel, mixed with the discomfort brought to the parents by the child from obedience to resistance.
If you don't take action, your parents will be in a very passive position, always uncontrollably angry, disappointed, and broken.
Taking action seems to have no effect, and it is impossible to listen to and control. Tough suppression and calm reasoning seem to be of no use, and even "deep breathing" has no effect when angry.
The truth seems to be that when a child's rebellious behavior breaks out, the parents can't do anything.
What we can do is wait for all this to pass, because the time when parents' words and deeds really work on their children is in daily life, not in the time of outbreak.
01
For children, they will not feel that there is anything wrong with their words and deeds, nor will they feel that they are rebellious. "Rebellion" is a judgment of the child by parents and others, not the subjective experience of the child.
Fan Deng said in the book "Accompanying Children to Grow Up For Life" that the psychological motivation behind rebellion is the core of helplessness.
People always have to grow up, this is an objective law that cannot be changed, and adolescence is when growing up.
At this stage, their bodies develop rapidly, and many children are as tall as their parents in junior high school. This, coupled with a strong sense of self, makes them mistakenly think "I've grown up".
But they lack mature ability to deal with emotions and deal with problems, sometimes feel "I'm good", sometimes find "I can't do it", and often feel confused and helpless.
Many parents cannot find their children helpless, because some children at this stage know more than their parents, and they do not fall behind in arguing with their parents. Parents will only feel that their children's wings are hard and dare to fight with me, and they can't see that their children actually need their help.
Children don't intellectually admit that they are helpless, they are more emotionally dominant.
When they feel concerned about their parents' growth, they often respond in two ways:
One is to escape, do not communicate with parents behind closed doors, it is best to "ignore me";
The second is fighting, fierce confrontation with parents, "You are right but I don't listen."
In short, never admit that I am confused and I need help.
Parents should learn to see the essence through the phenomenon and try their best to support and help their children.
If parents can't see the helplessness of their children and firmly believe that their children are rebellious and deliberately working against you, it will not only miss a good opportunity to guide their children's growth, but also let their children be disappointed in you and the family, affecting the relationship between the children and their families.
02
The child is "rebellious", indicating that the child has expectations of you. If he was already disappointed, he would still have tossed something.
Since there are expectations, what is the child expecting?
It is the understanding of parents. This understanding includes an understanding of the child's motivation for behavior and a self-understanding of the parents.
First, children want their parents to understand them.
Sometimes parents will convey to their children the message of "I understand you": Is it not a lot of pressure to study lately? Are you trying to play with your phone... But the kindness of the parents does not make the child feel better, because your understanding makes them very faceless, as if he needs you more.
What they need is an understanding of your motivation for his actions, not an understanding of the specific content.
Some people compare the relationship between adolescent children and parents to throwing bombs, and there are 3 motivations behind children's rebellious words and deeds:
1, he needs to throw bombs at you to vent;
2, he does not want you to be killed soon, and hopes that you will be injured;
3) Hope that when the bomb is fired, you are present, not when the deserter ignores him.
When parents understand these motivations of their children, they will not have to distinguish between right and wrong in specific matters.
Because all the things that are right and wrong between parents and children can not escape 3 endings: parents win the child, children win the parents, and this matter cannot be solved. Either way, it's not really a win for parents.
Only if you truly understand the underlying logic of the child's rebellion, you will not be more real with the child, will not be killed by the child's rebellion, and finally will be a win-win situation.
Second, your child's rebellion is waking you up for self-reflection.
It's not about making you reflect on what you've done wrong, it's about making you understand yourself.
The way parents raise their children is influenced by the family of origin and the nurturing environment.
How did your parents treat you as a child? How much warmth and support do you get from your partner and family in raising a child? How much hardship is this?
When you understand yourself, understand your past, and understand the motivation behind your child's rebellion, you will not be burdened by your child's rebellion.
03
The "rebellious period" is indeed a challenge for parents, but it is also an important opportunity for parents to adjust to their previous inappropriate parenting style.
People are prone to fear when facing the unknown, and when they have a deeper understanding of the rebellious period, do they not feel so terrible when they face it?
To put it in layman's terms, adolescence is when a person stretches out his hands to explore outwards, showing their strength while testing the reaction of the outside world.
Parents are the first to explore, and children try to defeat their parents while trying to defeat them, while hoping that their parents will not abandon themselves.
Children find their own strength in defeating their parents, and if parents are always there and love their children, children will understand that it is safe to show their strength, and they will have more courage to face the wider world.
As parents, what we can do is to "cooperate" with the growth of our children in our daily lives.