On weekdays, I call all our staff "little assistants", in fact, my little assistants, not only Autumn Xiaotian alone, we are a close-knit small group that has been together for several years, such as Sister Kang, who has been working with us for four years.
Sister Kang once wrote her story from a small-town mother to a self-media worker: "I spent 10 years, from a small-town woman who was disliked by her husband, I can finally live a applause!" (Click on the article, you can check it), and today, it is the marriage story of her marriage for ten years, a mother with two babies, how should she follow the trend in marriage?
The text is very plain and simple, but you can see the shadow of most marriages.
01
There is still more than a month to go, the tenth anniversary of my marriage with my husband. In the last two years, because our children went to school, we were separated and we could see each other two or three times a week.
At night, the kids were all asleep, and the two of us would talk about each other's day on WeChat. He, who was too lazy to type, now often sent me a large piece of text. What I did today, who I met, how I felt, how much pressure was there...
Most of the time, chatting and talking, I always fall asleep first. A few days ago, I got up in the morning and saw three long messages on my phone, the last one, he said: "Wife, I love you more and more now, and I feel that I can't escape the palm of your hand in this life." Plus a kissing expression.
Oops ~ ~ ten years of old husband and wife, come to this, really a little can't stand it, instant scalp are numb, goosebumps fell to the ground ...
02
However, I am not here to show my love today, just around the New Year last year, if it were not for the holiday of the Civil Affairs Bureau, we would have really almost divorced.
Ten years of marriage, the idea of divorce, has been in my heart, never broken, but to make up your mind, there must always be a fuse.
That night I had my birthday, we all drank a little wine, good wine and good food, the atmosphere was very happy, but somehow, I don't know who ripped open the yarn ball of Chen Sesame Rotten Grain.
When he first got married, he secretly hid 60,000 yuan of private money, which I accidentally discovered. We used to argue over and over over this, but all these years, this matter has been stuck in my place, and it has not passed.
After I grinned and swallowed a mouthful of wine, I didn't know how to say: "When you hid the 60,000 yuan, it made me very sad!" Do you know where my sadness lies? We are two sons, and you can hide one thing from me for so long. ”
His face changed, and he did not give in: "You had no concept of spending money at that time, you spent more than a thousand to buy a shirt, and after wearing it three times, you threw it aside, can I not save money?" ”
"I spent a thousand dollars on a dress, and do you remember all these years?" You can do it! How far have you slammed the door!? ”
Anyone who has been married knows what the end is. The two of us quarreled in the dark, and at last I burst into tears, he smoked in silence, and the two children opened their frightened eyes and did not dare to speak out.
I feel very cold, it turns out that in his heart, I am not as important as the thousand pieces, it turns out that this man is so stingy and selfish, a dress bought 7 years ago, and I still remember it!
I really can't live this day! Must leave!
03
In those days, I calmly Baidu all kinds of divorce common sense, such as property division, who owns the children... The two of us agreed with a cold face, and as soon as the Civil Affairs Bureau went to work, we went to divorce. At present, let's hide from the old people on both sides and talk about the end of this year.
In this way, we spent the New Year with discord on our faces and hearts, Chinese New Year's Eve dinner, visiting the New Year, visiting relatives and friends... What a good two actors.
However, in the days of pretending to be peaceful, I will also secretly wonder: how good it is for a big family to be together now, if next year I am in a state of divorce, what will be the mentality of my parents, what will be the state of my in-laws, and what will happen to the children? How will I live next year?
In the days when the Civil Affairs Bureau opened its doors, there was no apology, no communication, but we all secretly confessed in our hearts (don't ask me how I know, ten years of marriage, one look can understand).
So, later, the Civil Affairs Bureau did not arrive late and began to work as scheduled, while the two of us pretended to be forgetful, and neither of us mentioned divorce again.
This storm has passed like this, as if the days have returned to calm, but in fact, the recycle station is not clear, the contradiction will always exist, we are still together, but those unsolvable knots are also there, not abandoned.
04
Looking back on the ten years that we were married, Ding Ding-dong didn't have a few days without arguing. I often wondered before, is it that we are too anxious to get married and have not laid a good emotional foundation, so in the face of chai rice oil and salt, it will be so difficult to run in?
We both graduated from college and returned to work in our hometown units, and our two families are very close, less than five hundred meters.
After getting married, I looked at old photos and found that when we were in elementary school, we used to be in a drum and trumpet team. I was the conductor, he played the trumpet, as long as I raised my left hand to the V, he would immediately blow the trumpet, but at that time we were completely unimpressed with each other, there was no two small guesses at all.
In this closed eighteen-line town, there are very few young people, the two of us are like being pushed together by fate, in love for half a year, the in-laws went to find a fortune teller to see the auspicious day of the zodiac, and after three months, there was a good day, a little hasty, but there seemed to be no reason to refute. In this way, we get married, have children, give birth to the eldest, and give birth to the second eldest.
05
Before the two people's lives, we could still live, but since we had children, the two of us had been arguing constantly, and we were all chicken feathers.
Just the two years of the eldest, he couldn't find the feeling of being a father at all, the child cried, and, he was extremely irritable, helpless, coupled with the parents on both sides were around, he naturally started to shake hands. Find all kinds of reasons to go out and beg for purity, and if you can't go home, you won't go home anyway.
Eighty percent of the reasons for the quarrel are because of this.
Until the second eldest was born, he finally found a little feeling of being a father, and there was a little progress in all aspects. Start caring for your children, throwing away trash once in a while, and making a meal.
But two children, hey, it's not as simple as one more child, it's a multiplied burden and pressure (there are two babies who understand), and his little bit of progress, in my case, the mantis arm blocks the car, insignificant.
I was dissatisfied with him in all kinds, and I did not hide my dislike for him, quarreling, accusing, mercilessly, and often complaining in front of his face. To tell the truth, I don't like my own state of a resentful woman, but I can't stop the car, I can't stop my feet.
I always feel that if there is a problem with the couple, they need to communicate more, and it is good to say that it is open. Keeping this obsession, the pattern of the two of us slowly changed to that of a cat scratching a rat, and I tried to talk about it, and he tried to hide.
Feelings are not communicating better, but are getting thinner and thinner.
06
Last year, we bought a school district house in the city to get our kids into school. In the past few years, I have been doing self-media work part-time, just to see the baby work both. When the time came, I quit my job in the town and became a reading mom who worked at home.
The city is 80 kilometers from the town, I am in town with two children, he and his parents are in the town, and the two of us officially began to live separately.
If he is not busy, he can come four or five times a week, and once he is busy, he cannot come once or twice a week. And I have to work, but also to take care of the children's diet and living, to deal with the children's homework and school problems, a head two big, often collapsed to no, let me the most unbalanced is: when you need him, never be there!
Our contradictions escalate, and within three sentences we will collapse.
We started the Cold War, didn't communicate, sometimes didn't see each other for a few days, didn't even make a phone call, didn't send messages.
Unbeknownst to me, I would automatically make up for the fact that he was drinking and eating with friends, sitting alone on the couch at home playing with his mobile phone, enjoying his leisure. And I, a person, two children, 7 years old and 5 years old, are eager to grow three heads and six arms to cope with the daily life of two children and their own work, and the despair and helplessness and anger in my heart are irrepressible.
I've been secretly determined that sooner or later, I'll have to divorce him! As long as the child is slightly older, I will leave!
At the longest time, we didn't say much for a month, except for the necessary mechanical explanation of daily affairs, the answer was also able to say one word, absolutely not two.
Marriage has fallen to a freezing point.
07
2022 Everyone is standing flag, to get rich to become beautiful to become thin to progress, I also have flag, and set it at the top of WeChat: I want a better self, I want a happy family, I want to be happy...
Having a child alone gives me more time to think about it, and after countless deep thoughts, I understand the fact that I have been strong but unwilling to admit it: between us, there is no issue of principle, and divorce is just an outlet for my dissatisfaction with life, in fact, it is not what I want.
Everyone says, you have to grow, you have to change, but what exactly you want to do, how to do it, no one says, you have to figure it out for yourself.
As a reading mom who works from home, the time of the day is eager to break into two petals, and I don't have much self-time to sit quietly and read a book and meditate.
Just in time, Qiu Xiaotian pushed me three books, and I washed and moped the dishes while washing clothes and cooking, while listening to the books, during that time, I listened to these three books intermittently.
Listening to books is easy to lose my mind, often missing a certain part, but these books about personal growth, I found that there is one thing in common, and it is the most touching to me, that is: stop complaining, don't worry about giving, don't seal yourself into the box of "complaining women".
08
I began to reflect on myself whether I was in the family, too real, and my eyes were always fixed on what he did less or did not do, but ignored the part he gave.
I held the mentality of trying, and began to adjust my mentality, whether at work or in life, only to do things without complaining.
I deliberately reminded myself not to complain and not to let negative thoughts invade me without restraint.
Whenever there is a negative voice speaking in my heart, I will make a clever gesture to remind myself to quickly change my mind, or block it. In marriage, those unstoppable stems are actually still there, but I deliberately ignore, do not think, do not dwell, only focus on doing a good job in the current situation, maintain mindfulness.
Think about the benefits of everything, take the initiative to dig out some happy things, or the same thing, think from another angle, and let yourself be in positive energy as much as possible.
This is difficult at first, but it is also very effective. Because when you encounter something, it is easiest to complain that others are not doing a good job. But the problem is that from the moment we start complaining, we are stuck in a quagmire, and every minute and every second is internal friction.
However, if, in the beginning, we can grit our teeth and try not to fall into the quagmire and deal with it in a positive way, then the whole process will be relaxed, there will be no gloom, the whole person will be positive, and the mental internal friction will be less.
Of course, I will still be in a bad mood, can't help but want to complain, and when I can't hide, I will find a way to face and comb. For example, be aware of the rise of emotions in time and then stop.
If the child is around, I'll say, "Mommy's about to explode, let me stay on my own for a while." "Then quickly leave the scene, shut yourself up for doodling, to paint mandalas, or even tore paper, pounded pillows, cried, and vented his emotions."
Of course, this process is actually not easy, because out of inertia, temper to others seems to be smoother, their own digestion is really a bit anti-human, you need to bite your teeth and restraint.
Even so, there are always times when you can't hold back, but the temper is sent, I no longer immediately fall into the vortex of guilt and regret, I said to myself, send it, it's okay, pay attention next time.
09
Speaking of which, I would like to recommend the mandala (not advertising), a tool in psychology, a bit similar to the graffiti of the secret garden, but not exactly. It does not pay attention to whether the picture is good or not, it pays attention to the use of intuition to paint, how can it be, as long as it expresses the current emotions, it is good.
(Tired and upset)
Maybe because I like to write and draw since I was a child, I have a very good feeling for this tool, and after I learned about it last year, I have been drawing intermittently, and I often feel very relaxed after painting. Everyone interested can baidu themselves.
(Tutoring children to write homework, it is going to explode)
But in fact, everyone's way of decompression is different, I am painting mandalas, some people may sleep, or go out to exercise, in short, find a method that suits you, you will find: when you are right, your world is right.
(Found the husband a little cute)
When I adjusted myself, I was no longer so depressed and full of resentment, the children seemed to be less nervous, and my husband was the most amazing.
He saw that I was no longer hiding and began to approach me quickly, our relationship healed quickly, for work reasons, he did not go home much, but, he began to share his thoughts with me, I could feel our hearts approaching.
You know, after ten years of marriage, except for the first year, he hardly ever took the initiative to talk to me. I couldn't ask before, but now I'm starting to tell me in great detail where I went, who I saw, what I did, and how I felt.
The two of us talked more and more on the phone, video, and chat, and he would definitely come back when he was free. For my change, he is still very sighing, saying: "I used to think that you are you, I am me, and now you are really my wife." ”
I also feel very emotional, before so hard to communicate, to solve the problem, but pushed him farther and farther, now do not force, do not tangle, the knot instead opened on its own.
10
I saw that before I was just standing in my own shoes and looking at him too one-sidedly. But now I can stand a little taller and see his efforts and not easy.
For example, our family is more obvious male and female protagonists, the external interpersonal relationships are actually dependent on him, the New Year's Festival ushered in, but also his home field, I never have to worry.
Before he said that he did not care about the family, no sense of responsibility, in fact, the truth is not the case, he just did less time to do housework at home, but for example, deal with the relationship with the child's teacher, take the children to the doctor, engage in mortgages, pay insurance...
He did a lot, and I couldn't actually do it, and I wasn't good at it, and I drilled the tip of the horn and couldn't jump out.
In the past, whenever he came back, I would divide the housework equally. For example, if I cook, I will not wash the dishes, and if I wash my clothes, he will have to dry the clothes... If he doesn't do it, I blame him.
I always felt that by involving him, he could cultivate his sense of family responsibility.
So, when he came back, he didn't do it, and I just put up with not doing it, and when I saw my home get dirty, to be honest, it was myself who felt the first thing. Eyes watched his every move, to see if he had done it.
But his housework abilities were there, and it was impossible to live up to my standards, and even if he did it sometimes, it wasn't complete.
For example, washing dishes only washes dishes, does not wash pots, does not wipe the stove, the stove is stained with oil, the ground is sticky and greasy; for example, mopping the floor only drags the tiles that are obviously dirty, and the clothes hanging on the balcony always seem to have been lynched, wrinkled and twisted...
Seeing this, I feel bad! It's really beyond words.
11
Now, I'll make myself comfortable first. When I can't see it, I will do it myself, and when I am tired and don't want to do it, I will take a break, or ask him to help, because in my state, there is no blame, but he is more "obedient" and more willing to do it.
Of course, sometimes watching him Lieyou lie, I will still be a little angry, I do not hold back, immediately go to assign him a task, and express myself that I need to rest, instead of complaining strangely, so he will cooperate with him.
I'll still break down with the kids alone, but I'll now speak directly about my needs and the parts that need his help. Men are probably simple-minded animals, giving him a specific instruction, more able to receive and understand than emotional outpouring.
I will still be anxious, there will be a lot of pressure, but I will no longer always let him carry the pot, after dealing with emotions, I will tell him about my vulnerability and exhaustion, as well as very specific needs, such as hoping that he can give the child video for five minutes a day, such as on the weekend I have to take a break, unless there are special circumstances, he must come.
12
To this day, it is really a surprise, but if I want to analyze the reasons, I really can't say clearly, what exactly plays a role, is reading? Is it to paint a mandala? Is it psychology? Or was it smoked by Lu Lujie's article?
But what is clear to me is that it is really right not to give up on self-growth over the years. In a limited life, toss yourself hard, this direction is always right.
I have read a lot of books about the relationship between husband and wife, how to communicate, and I have also moved in the same way, but now, I feel that the root is in myself, communication is a technique, not a Tao.
Marriage is indeed made up of two people, but a woman can completely rely on her own strength to reverse the situation of marriage.
It turns out that not all problems have to be solved by talking about the genius;
It turns out that just walk forward in the sun, walking and walking, some entangled knots will open on their own;
If you have walked a long way without seeing hope, you may wish to take a different road and look at it.