I was once a guest at an event where someone asked me, "Do you feel guilty about your children when you are so busy at work?" I replied, "Yes." ”
But if I were a man, would people ask me that question?
Whether or not career development should be sacrificed for their children, moms do face more pressure than dads.
So, how do my moms, who are working moms, do they do it with a hard-working dad?
Let's start with the fact that my parents are busy.
In 1979, Zhiqing returned to the city, and they returned to Shanghai from the jiangxi countryside.
Almost 30 years old, both of them only had a junior Chinese, took the college entrance examination, and entered the "amateur university" of older youth after the "Cultural Revolution".
They work during the day, they study at night, they don't have the help of their elders, they don't have nannies, aunts, they don't have refrigerators, microwaves, washing machines, they don't...
They made a decision to take me to "full care", i.e. boarding kindergarten. At that time, the weekend was a single holiday, and they picked me up on Saturday evening and sent me back on Sunday afternoon.
That said, during the so-called sensitive period between the ages of 3 and 6, my parents and I spent less than 24 hours a week together.
Fortunately, I didn't leave any childhood shadows.
When I was in elementary school, I became a very common child in that era of dual-career families with keys hanging on their chests.
My mother taught me early on to draw matches, light gas, heat meals in a steamer, boil water, and fill hot water bottles.
Image source: Panorama Vision
I will also participate in extracurricular activities, go to the Children's Palace, the Juvenile Science Station, the Juvenile Newspaper... Since the third grade, I have been on a bus to get around, and they have never asked me what I have learned.
After middle school, once my mother passed by school and wanted to pick me up. I ran to the classroom and asked, and the classmates said I was upstairs.
At night, my mother asked me, "Why are you upstairs today?" I replied, "Mom, you went to high school and I'm in my sophomore year of high school." My mom suddenly realized, "Oh, you're in your second year of high school!" ”
What does a working mom and a working dad teach me?
They worked hard to make money and demonstrated to me: life should be worked on, life is worth trying.
When I was in elementary school, my mother got up at 5 a.m. every morning, bought groceries, cooked, and then took a two-hour bus ride to work.
She rarely watched TV, always reading and writing under the lamp, washing and shabu- and mending seams. They save money to buy "big pieces" for their families.
I followed them to feel the sense of accomplishment brought about by graduation, examination, promotion, salary increase, buying a house, buying a car and other consumption upgrades.
In my mind, parents are omnipotent, and there is no difficulty that they cannot overcome.
One morning, Mom told Dad that she had a dream that if the furniture were laid out in one way or another, the house would be more spacious.
When we returned in the evening, we were surprised to find that Dad had laid out the furniture according to Mom's dream alone, and sure enough, there was a small space in front of the dining table and sofa.
As for how Dad was alone in a crowded space of 14 square meters, it is still a mystery.
More than 10 years later, I read "Six Records of Cadre Schools", and Yang Dai wrote:
The toilet was finished. But I still owe a curtain... We peeled off the straw, peeled off the smooth core, and woven a beautiful curtain with hemp rope. We were very proud and hung up on the toilet door, thinking that this toilet was also unusual.
My mother was such a person who could build Rome in the Sahara Desert and sprinkle sugar on her life.
My clothes were patched, and she embroidered me with a little white rabbit; the meals were not extravagant, but the meat and vegetables were matched and the colors were clear.
The sense of order in life gave me a sense of security.
Because my mother has demonstrated that it doesn't need a lot of money, it doesn't need a lot of space, and we can also have comfort and beauty.
Parents worship knowledge. I realized that of all the elders, my parents had the most respect for the people who taught in college.
My husband and I grew up in a different environment, but in retrospect, there were many, many books at home. When we grew up, we both had hands on the scrolls.
We look at whether parents read books, how they read books, and how they choose books, how they check materials, take notes, and talk to friends about the past and the present.
Although I don't have a lot of money, when my mother picks me up from kindergarten every week, she buys 3 new books on the way.
There is no boundary between inside and outside the classroom, good books and bad books in my parents' minds, and almost all books let me read.
Taste is "taste" out, insight is "see" out.
I can't play Go, tennis, painting, piano, but I'm always grateful to them for nurturing my reading habits. Books are cheap luxuries.
We may not be able to let our children experience the most classic museums, the most top computers, the most luxurious beaches, the best schools, the most expensive summer camps, but most of us can get the deepest ideas of human beings, the most gorgeous imagination, the most rare discoveries, the most shocking plots, and the most bitter emotions.
Whenever I think of this, I feel comforted in my anxiety, because there is an inexhaustible amount of joy and amazement for the rest of my life.
I'm not trying to say that parents don't spend time on me or that parents don't need to spend time with their children.
I can also tell many unforgettable stories, as well as their deep love, concern, demand, protection for me - my mother will still have tears when she talks about my first day in the kindergarten.
I'm just saying, you see:
This is a pair of parents who sent their child to a boarding kindergarten when they were 3 years old.
This is a pair of parents who have never travelled with their children.
This is a couple of parents who have forgotten how many grades their children have and can't tell how many homework they will take.
This is a pair of parents in the workplace, from the return of intellectuals to Shanghai, graduating from junior high school, and struggling step by step to lujiazui financial and trade zone.
They did not spend 100% of their life time on their children, but they gave them a sense of material and spiritual security and direction - life should be worked on, life is worth working hard, life can be controlled, and life is fun.
After all, what parents pass on to their children is—
Not only spend time on children, but also how you spend your time.
Not only do things with children, but also how you treat others.
Not only buy books for children, but also how to read books yourself.
Not only talk to the child, but also let the child observe how he speaks...
In the end, the child does not get the attitude that the parents want, but the attitude of the parents.
Dad's "old tank" bike was my primary means of transportation as a child. I sat on the front bar, my mother sat in the back seat, a family of three, and I was very angry.
Later, my brother came, and my father thought about it, how to get it done? He had my mom sit on the front bar and my brother and I swark in the back seat.
Whenever I rushed down the gentle slope at the intersection of Xiangyang South Road and Zhaojiabang Road, my mother would scream loudly, and my father, brother and I would laugh loudly. It was the happiest memory of my childhood.
In that era of material scarcity and chicken feathers, they did not show a sense of powerlessness.
They raise optimistic children because they are optimistic.
When I grew up, I became a working mom and was paired with a hard-working husband.
Do we feel guilty? Yes, we are also trying our best to balance the growth of our children with our own development, and from time to time we feel powerless.
The environment may not be friendly, and the choices may not always be correct.
But, in the late-night lights, my husband and I reached a little bit of agreement – we work hard, we are optimistic, we love each other, and our children probably won't be too bad.
Child, I can give up the workplace for you, but when you grow up, do you really want your mother to do this? Do you really want your parents to give it all for you?
It's an exciting journey, and I'll see for the answer to this question.
Author: Qiu Tian. Source: Reader Magazine, Issue 14, 2018.