Shi Yuan: With a controlling mother, your life will eventually be difficult to escape

"This is a good son who has high hopes, and when I joined the team, I worked hard for whom!" I am for whom, I am for you, I have lived to this day, I put all my hopes on you, I have cultivated you into a person of integrity, kindness, style, dignity, you can be good today, do this kind of inferior thing for me."

This is what Shi Yuan's mother said after learning that Shi Yuan earned money by fake marriage with women.

Although Shi Yuan's approach is indeed not feasible, his original intention is to earn more money, pay off the family's debts, and earn out the money for his mother's surgery, which is a stupid thing that is forced by reality to be anxious.

As a mother, instead of understanding her son's painstaking efforts, she also scolded her son for "three abuses", making her feel sorry for her ancestors.

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As Shi Yuan himself said: "I am just a salaryman, earning so much money every month, no car, no house, nothing, I also want to live with dignity and nobility." ”

Even want the mother to recognize the reality: "Don't put too much hope on me, your son is not a great person, I am just a bad guy, the whole world knows, only you don't know." 」 ”

Shi Yuan's mother was not unaware, but she could not accept it from beginning to end, could not accept the mediocrity of her son, and could not accept this bleak reality.

Born in a prominent family, Shuxiang Mendi, because the reform family was sent to Xinjiang for more than ten years, he originally wanted to put all his hopes on his son, but he did not want to cause his son to fail the college entrance examination because of his own negligence, could not be admitted to Fudan University, could not be a real Shanghainese, and did not find a satisfactory job.

After returning to Shanghai, she lived in the alleys of the three religions and nine streams, and her days fell into a way that she could not imagine, and her son did not appear to be what she wanted, and she lived in these pains day by day.

In the book Gardener and Carpenter, Alison Gopnick divides his parents into "carpenter type" and "gardener type", so Shi Yuan's mother is undoubtedly a "carpenter type" parent.

Controlling and self-centered, imposing your own ideas on your child. Thinking completely from the point of view of the self, without listening to the real thoughts of the child's heart, asking them if they want it or not. When the child can't do what he wants, he begins to complain and blame.

As everyone knows, the more control you are, the more the child rebounds; the more you complain and blame, the farther the child is from you.

Alison Gopnik said: "Loving children is not about giving them a destination, but about providing for their journey. She added: "Our job as parents is not to create a particular kind of child. Instead, we want to provide a loving, safe and stable protective space where children full of infinite possibilities can flourish. ”

Taiwanese actress Di Ying, who played multiple roles in "Bao Qingtian" and was well known to the public, but her parenting style surprised the public. On the one hand, she strictly controlled her son's life, study, and communication, and on the other hand, she was extremely doting, feeding until she was 12 years old and sleeping in the same bed until she was 15 years old.

When he left his mother at the age of 18 to study in the United States, he threatened to "bomb the school" with a gun and was reported to prison by his classmates and declared that he would not re-enter the United States for life.

There is also Wang Meng, a college entrance examination winner, a high-achieving student at Peking University, and a graduate student studying in the United States, who has a pair of parents with a strong desire to control and love "doing things", not only ignoring the needs of his son's inner desire to communicate and being affirmed, but even his self-care ability is almost lost, in his own words: he has become a "learning tool person" for the school and his parents.

After Wang Meng was admitted to Peking University and gradually distanced himself from his parents' control, he finally dared to loudly vent his dissatisfaction with his parents: "Pulling black" parents, not going home for 10 years, wrote a 10,000-word complaint letter, accused the people around him of his parents' manipulation of his life and the psychological harm caused, and was diagnosed with "traumatic stress disorder" psychological disease.

The common problem of such "carpenter-type" parents is that it is easy to use the child as a tool to fulfill their last wishes, order the child to do according to their preferences and requirements, punish once they do not do well, regardless of the child's inner thoughts, is a kind of kidnapping of the child in the name of love.

Lethality in the name of love is invisible and deadly, and it can make children feel anxious, collapsed, rebellious, destroyed, self-released, and even committed anti-social extremes.

"For your own good" makes children often feel not love, but the pain of being deprived of freedom, when they are young they have no ability to resist, and when they grow up, the conflict will come out.

There is nothing wrong with educating and raising children, but what is wrong is that parents use their responsibilities and obligations as bargaining chips.

Gibran wrote in To the Child: "Your children are not your children, they are the children born of life's desire for itself; they come into this world through you, but they do not come because of you." They are by your side, but they do not belong to you; you can give them love but you cannot give them thoughts because they have their own minds; you can shelter their bodies but not their souls, because their souls belong to tomorrow, to tomorrow that you cannot attain in your dreams; you can do your best to become like them, but do not let them become like you, because life does not go backwards, nor can it stay in the past. ”

We must become "gardener-type" parents, create a good environment for raising children, love the child to give him freedom, allow the child to vent, have negative emotions; look at the child's inner needs, ask the child whether he is happy or unwilling; encourage the child to establish self-confidence, be a body, independent of the will of the individual; do not do control things in the name of love, let alone set a "road to success" for the child, make decisions for the child's choices; let the child grow naturally, from the child to himself, parents and children need to grow.

Parents should always reflect: what is the starting point of our love for our children, what goals do we want to achieve, or do we want our children to become better selves?

Children are not the private property of their parents, they are independent individuals with their own thoughts. When they are young, they need parenting, teaching, and leadership from their parents; when they grow up, they have the ability to protect themselves and make themselves happy.

What kind of love in the world is meant to stay away from? That is the love of parents for their children.

"The Shawshank Redemption" says, "Those birds are destined not to be kept in cages, and every feather of them shines with the light of autonomy."

All we need to do is take good care of it and wait for the flowers to bloom.

In fact, parenting is like planting trees, just as in Liu Zongyuan's "Planting Trees, Guo Qihuo Biography", when asked him the reason for planting trees well, he replied: "I am not able to make trees live long and grow quickly, I can only conform to the nature of trees and realize their own habits." ”

"When it is planted and discarded aside, its habits are realized; I am merely not hindering its growth, not by a means which it may grow tall and flourishing; but without suppressing or reducing its results, nor by the means which it may bear fruit earlier and more."

"But other tree people are not like this, the roots grow well and then regenerate the soil, when cultivating the soil is either more or less; or too much worry, look and see, touch and touch, and even scratch the bark to see if it is dead or alive, shake the root to see if it is planted, so that the nature of the tree goes away day by day. On the surface, they love it, but in fact they harm it; if they say they are worried about it, they actually hate it, so it is difficult for their tree to plant well. ”

The "carpenter-type" parents are like these "other tree planters", overly worried, excessive interference with the nature of the tree, hindering its growth, and the result is that the tree is difficult to plant well. And what we have to do is a "gardener-type" tree planter like Liu Zongyuan, after careful cultivation, conform to the nature of the tree, do not inhibit the growth of the tree, and wait for it to blossom and bear fruit.