Author | Ange
Source | Supernanny-ipcn
Seeing a video on Weibo made people cry.
A couple was talking while driving, and both were a little irritable.
The little boy was in the back seat constantly clamoring to play with the car toy.
The mother first spoke out to stop it, but the boy still went his own way.
The mother snatched the toy, but the boy climbed into the front seat to try to get it back.
The father was in a hurry and wanted to teach the child a lesson, so he parked the car on the side of the road, dropped the boy and his toys, turned around and drove away.
It didn't go far, and the couple regretted it and quickly turned around to find the child.
But at this time, the boy was hit by a passing car and could no longer respond...
In life, we often encounter children who make mistakes or make unreasonable trouble, and do not listen to advice.
Many parents want to "cold treatment", dry their children, and when he knows that he is afraid, or has no effect, he can know that he is wrong.
Although it may not all lead to tragedy, this indifferent way of coping is the biggest misunderstanding when dealing with children's negative emotions.
Psychologist Wu Zhihong once said: "Where there is no response, it is a desperate situation." ”
Behind every child who is treated coldly, obedient and well-behaved, there is a backlog of invisible fear and sorrow.
The kid who broke down wasn't acting
Previously, there was a video of "Cute Baby Sleeping and Crying", which was on Weibo hot search.
In the video, the children fall to the ground and cry, and the young parents stand not far away.
They neither help nor rush to coax, just so indifferently watch the child's "performance".
The couple wrapped their arms around each other and tilted their bodies, which was a bit of a cold-eyed spectator.
The video won more than 200,000 likes from netizens. This style of not being threatened by children's crying seems to have become a clear stream in discipline.
It's just that when we stand on the opposite side of the child from a distance and watch them collapse and cry coldly, do we really understand the child's feelings?
Many people think that children crying is to threaten, and spilling is to be opposed, so they will not give in.
But this is just a misinterpretation of an adult, the child who collapsed, not a performance.
After watching an issue of "Super Nurseryman", the little girl wanted to drink milk before dinner, but her mother did not agree.
The little girl broke down in an instant, and she went crazy, went to tear her mother's clothes, sat on the ground and cried loudly.
Mom first reasoned and told her that because she was going to eat, she couldn't drink milk now.
Seeing that the child was getting more and more fierce, the mother began to say harsh words again, "If I cry again, I will leave."
Mom was angry and annoyed, in her eyes, reasoning did not listen, threats did not work, can only be helpless, headaches.
But in fact, children's tantrums are only their most instinctive reaction.
Kimberly Brian, an expert on child education, said:
"Children lose their temper because they have an innate, natural instinct to cling to fulfilling all their wishes."
Adults know how to control, but children can't understand.
Their ability to express themselves is limited, and they can only express their dissatisfaction with such extreme behavior.
The avoidance and distancing of parents obviously cannot teach children to understand and abide by the rules, and can only get out of control in anxiety.
Parents' "cold treatment"
It will only chill the child's heart
Sometimes, children can't hear the advice, parents can't communicate, and they can't be blindly satisfied.
In the end, I had to chill the children first and let them make a fuss. When it is useless to lose your temper, the child will naturally not make trouble again.
However, this kind of convergence and quietness of the child, is it really recognized that it is wrong?
I think of the scene in the first season of the variety show "Where Did Daddy Go", where Guo Tao and his son Stone "broke up".
At that time, Stone's arm was injured, and he refused to eat well. Guo Tao's face changed drastically, he took him away from the dining table, and punished him for reflecting by the wall.
Later, Guo Tao called for the stone to go back to the assembly, but the stone did not want to go back. Guo Tao, in a fit of rage, shut him out of the door and ignored him.
Stone suddenly panicked, and chased after his father flatteringly, saying that he would behave well.
On the surface, the stone is no longer emotional, and it is obedient and obedient.
However, when asked "Does Daddy love himself", Stone became hesitant:
"Sometimes love, don't love me, that's when he ignores me."
When a child loses his temper, cold treatment is like a withdrawal of love, which will make the child question the parents' love for him.
At first, he just didn't have his needs met and was a little dissatisfied.
But when he realizes that his heartbreak, anger, pain, and even collapse, and that his parents are all indifferent, this is the most terrible message to the child:
My feelings are not important to my parents.
On the one hand, out of fear, children will become more and more out of control and collapse.
On the other hand, children in the long-term emotional indifference, closed their feelings, it is difficult to establish trust and intimate connections.
Watson, an American behaviorist psychologist, once believed in this cold treatment training method.
He proposed that when the child is crying, do not hug and soothe, so that the child will become more and more delicate.
However, under his rigorous training, the children all ended in tragedy without exception.
Whether it is standing by, turning away, or ignoring it, for children, it is mental cold violence.
This feeling of being ignored and abandoned by parents can crush any child.
Real calmness
It is to have loving actions
When children are in an emotional mood, it is really difficult to communicate, and it is necessary to let them calm down first.
Professor Li Meijin also said that when a child cries, parents should not intervene first, and wait for him to release his emotions.
However, calm handling is not standing idly by, much less mockery.
Our actions can be cold, but our hearts cannot be cold.
1. Understand and empathize with your child's feelings
When actor Hu Ke brought his son Xiaoyu'er to the show, Xiaoyu'er wanted to buy Ultraman toys, but his mother did not agree.
The little fish's mentality immediately collapsed, crying and scolding "stinky mother".
Hu Ke did not get angry, nor did he repeatedly reason, but instead crouched down and hugged him and said, "I know you want it a lot..."
The little fish went from excitement to resistance, and finally slowly softened.
The child's emotions, from dissatisfaction to complete loss of control, are actually "pushed" by their parents.
The child's wishes are not wrong in themselves, and the parents' indifference and even threats make the child not understand, which in turn triggers more intense emotions.
The more you confront your child, the more rebellious your child will be.
Respecting your child's wishes and expressing love and compassion for him can help your child calm down slowly.
2. Emotional guidance, teaching children to handle emotions correctly
Sometimes, parents will be very confused, I express sympathy and understanding, but how can it not work?
Empathy can calm the child down, but the more critical step is to teach the child to deal with his emotions correctly.
Two tricks can be used here.
First, explain the rules and clearly tell us what to expect from the child.
For example: I know you're angry, you want to drink milk, but I'm sorry, we have to eat later, so we can't drink milk.
Second, teach your child how to deal with feelings of loss.
There is a video of a father comforting his daughter on the Internet, which is the best template for guidance.
Faced with an angry daughter, Dad said:
"You can be angry with us, you can be angry, you can yell, or take a pillow out of the air and learn to put it down slowly."
I hope that children can control their emotions and teach them to learn to dredge up is the best way.
3. Within constraints, give the child the right to choose
Every child has a desire to be independent, and it is really normal to cry when a request is rejected.
At this time, within the constraints, it is advisable to give the child the right to choose appropriately, which can not only teach the child self-control, but also guide the child to learn to solve the problem.
Once, my daughter wanted to buy a Barbie doll, but after being rejected, she cried a lot and refused to leave in the store.
I said to her:
"Let's build a 'wishlist', you can put Barbie dolls in it, and everything else you like can be added." For your birthday or Christmas, you can choose whatever is on your wishlist. ”
She thought about it, accepted the proposal of the wish list, and began to think about what was in the wish list.
Children's wishes are sometimes very simple, and although they cannot be met immediately, they deserve to be respected.
When we take it seriously, the child's tolerance and understanding will be beyond imagination.
Jane Nelson, author of Positive Discipline, said:
"The premise of wanting a child to behave well is to make him feel good first."
In the face of a crying and collapsing child, the indifference and alienation of parents can only make him deny himself in uneasiness.
Sticking to rules and embracing your child's emotions are never two sides of the same coin.
After all, stopping crying is not the goal, and guiding children to learn self-control and deal with emotions is the real discipline.
Stop using cold treatment to cool off a soft heart.
- END -
Author: Supernanny-ipcn, the world's most reputable parent-child reality show super parenting teacher, has created a practical and authoritative parenting treasure book for hundreds of millions of young parents in China in an edutainment and educational way. Note: All images come from the Internet, if there is any infringement, please contact.
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