One day, an anxious mother came to counseling, saying that her son did not know why he seemed to change overnight, addicted to games all day, refusing to communicate, and becoming more and more inferior. We can call this child Xiaobao (pseudonym) for the time being. Xiao Bao has been very smart since childhood, quick response, enthusiastic, even if he sees strangers will take the initiative to greet, the personality is very cheerful, the mother believes that the child will grow up in the future, will be more and more sunny, more and more cheerful, more and more healthy. When Xiaobao was young, her mother paid attention to Xiaobao's food, clothing, housing, transportation, and health. After going to school, my mother's focus began to focus on his studies. However, as time passed, her mother found that Xiaobao became more and more reticent. Every day when she came home from school, her mother asked her, "What happened at school, and what did you learn today?" "Xiaobao will respond with "um" and "ah", or simply "no", "still like that", "normal"... It is generally simple perfunctory. Mom felt that maybe Xiaobao was too tired of studying and didn't think much about it. Until the child went to the third year of junior high school, the child's temperament changed greatly. He began to make it clear that he hated learning and did not want to go to school, hoping that his parents could apply for withdrawal from school. At that moment, Mom broke down, and Dad was at a loss. They don't know why the children they loved and cared for all the way have become like this overnight. Children began to stay in the room all day long, either playing mobile phones or playing computer games, refusing to eat meals made by their parents when eating, and only eating takeaways they ordered from the Internet. Mom began to worry about her health again, thinking that this state of life was not ideal, but persuasion was fruitless, and if she said more, it would only lead to another fierce "war". Parents communicate with the school, the teacher also said that Xiaobao is becoming more and more silent in school, and many times it is obvious that it is something that can be done easily, Xiaobao is very unconfident, and he will take the initiative to withdraw when he gives him the opportunity. Xiao Bao also has less and less confidence in learning, he always feels that he can't learn well, obviously he has heard and understood the problems, and even the teacher thinks that he understands more than other students, he will think that he does not understand. Over time, he became more and more bored with learning, because he could no longer find his sense of accomplishment in learning. Parents see their children "degenerate" like this, and really feel that the sky has fallen.
In the dialogue with the counselor, the child's mother gradually realized that in the more than ten years of Xiaobao's growth, parents who are too concerned about the child have been manipulating the child's life, from what dishes the child eats at each meal, whether to eat more meat, or to eat more dishes, to the homework should be completed in tens of minutes, how many extracurricular exercises should be supplemented every day, which interest class should be applied, and which school should be chosen in junior high school? Even when the child is still in elementary school, the parents have targeted the universities he may attend in the future. Therefore, although the child is only a teenager, he seems to have reached the end of his life, because all these "smooth roads" have been depicted by parents and have been properly planned. The child suddenly realizes, "My life is not mine, my soul is not mine, I am just a puppet manipulated by my parents, I am just a walking corpse without freedom and without self." If the parents' arrangements are not respected or the parents' requirements are not met, the child will be criticized, accused or even scolded, or accused by the parents of "not knowing filial piety".
And when the child suddenly found that when he broke through many obstacles in the game to upgrade the level, he gained a great sense of happiness and achievement, so he was addicted to the Internet and could not extricate himself. In the communication of mobile phones, when chatting with friends who have not even met, he finds that he is free, he can express his own speech at will, and he can speak freely with the other party without worrying about which sentence he said was wrong and which thing was not done well. The child finds that when he locks himself in the bedroom, puts on noise-cancelling headphones, and refuses to communicate with his parents, his world is quiet and free. I can no longer hear my parents' incessant exhortations, dings, complaints, criticisms, and "careful guidance" for everything they do now or what they will do in the future.
Xiao Bao became more and more silent, more and more fond of being alone, locking himself in a small bedroom, and indulging in the virtual online world. Such phenomena abound in our lives. When we see the decadent and dazed eyes of children, no one will be heartbroken. When we see the children of our parents' hearts grow into a familiar stranger, that kind of despair and helplessness is really stifling.
How can parents and children get out of this educational misunderstanding and let the child grow into a sunny, cheerful and confident person? This has become an important issue in family education at present. So how do we, as parents, do it?
1. Give timely recognition
Parents should have enough wisdom to see the flashes in their children's words and deeds in the trivial details and bits and pieces
Points of light, even if it is so subtle that children are not picky about eating, buttoning their own buttons, and taking the initiative to pick up the confetti on the ground... All deserve timely praise from parents. It is not because the child has done what he has done and what he has done well to give the child praise, but because he sees the child's efforts in the process of doing things, the parents will immediately give timely praise. A child may not score 90 points in his lifetime, but when the child rises from 25 points to 30 points, should parents also give a timely commendation? Praise do not lag behind, it happens immediately, praise immediately.
Two. Give more recognition
Many times, parents out of concern for their children, or out of concern for their children, worried that their children will make wrong choices and do something unfavorable to themselves, they will be told thousands of instructions. Parents seem to have such a cognition, that is, parents are adults, thinking about problems will be more mature and thoughtful, and the choices made will be more appropriate than the choices made by naïve children. Therefore, parents often habitually veto their children's claims and substitute their own choices for their children's choices. This behavior is to send a voice to the child: child, your choice is not good, your choice is wrong, your choice is not as good as mine. When the child is not recognized, a voice will come out from the bottom of my heart: my choice is not good enough, because I am not good enough. After once, twice, three times... After N times of denial, the child does not get enough recognition, and he will feel more and more that "I am really not good enough." How can such a child have enough self-confidence?
Therefore, if parents want their child to become more and more sunny and confident, then give him more recognition. Respect your child's ideas and respect your child's choices. Maybe that's not the most appropriate and appropriate choice in the eyes of parents, but he is definitely the choice that the child wants most after careful consideration in the present. There is no "perfect choice" in the world, no "should choose", only "the choice I want". If the child can make the "choice I want" and get the respect and recognition of the parents at the same time, then the child's self-confidence will be greatly increased. In the process of growing up, more and more confident children can definitely make better choices and aspire to become a better person.
Three. Label the forward
Many parents are willing to label their children: "My child is too lazy", "My child is not self-motivated", "I."
Children are too self-disciplined", "My children are too naughty", "My children are not careful", "My children do not keep their promises"... When such negative labels are attached to children, children will really grow up as described by the labels, and the results of growth are the last parents want to accept. Looking back, we may find that parents label their children as "lazy" only because they got up late when their children went to school this morning; thinking that children "don't keep their promises" may only be because the children personally guarantee that they will write homework at seven o'clock, and as a result, they delay until half past seven and then go into the study to write homework. All kinds of negative labels have left a deep imprint on the child's heart, and it is constantly input to the child's subconscious: you are such a person, you have to do it this way. And kids really do that.
Wise parents do the opposite, they will always be aware of which negative labels they have attached to their children, or what negative labels their children have attached to themselves, aware of tearing off one and then replacing them with a positive label. Parents can find a shining point according to the specific behavior of the child, give timely praise, and timely label a positive label. Seeing that the child got up this morning and folded the quilt by himself, then the parents immediately put a label --- "My child is very diligent", saw that the child suddenly took the initiative to write homework without parental reminders this evening, immediately put a label --- "My child is studying very diligently", saw the child in the elevator to take the initiative to say hello to the neighbor's grandmother, immediately put a label --- "My child is very polite". Over time, such a positive label will also form a deep imprint, which will be burned in the child's heart. The child feels that I am the person described by the label, and he will automatically and spontaneously develop and grow in the direction described by the label.
Four. Watch over the growth of children
As a parent of a child, you must have a heart that can slow down. Face the growth of the child, face the child's drag in life
Dragging and pulling, grinding and rubbing, out of the way, parents must have a kind of patience and persistence to lead the snail to walk. Every child is a small snail, its weak body and weak soul, curled up in a small shell and crawling forward slowly, it needs parents to care for and nourish with love. In the eyes of parents, perhaps the baby snail has only moved forward a centimeter, and for the baby snail, it may have tried its best. Therefore, the child in your eyes is a thousand-mile horse or a slow little snail, he is your beloved baby, the most precious existence in your life. Since this is the case, then parents and friends should have a watchful heart and wait for the growth of their children with watchful eyes. Let go of all expectations, just watch the child grow up a little bit, give the child enough love and support, watch this little snail on its own life trajectory, slowly crawl, slowly move forward, even if it is a centimeter forward, that is also a huge achievement in the child's growth process, worth cheering for. Don't let the tragedy of seedling pulling out happen again.
Parents and friends, if you want your child to be more confident, more cheerful, more sunny, please put down too much expectation, soothe your anxious heart, slow down your urgent steps, loosen your control, with a watchful heart to wait for the flowers to bloom, let the child become "yourself".