Your child's talk to you can be upsetting. You immediately feel a ball of fire rushing toward your heart, and something in your head is clicking, telling you that your child can't talk to you like that.
"You wouldn't talk to me like that. I am your father. You need to respect me. ”
Fast forward twenty years later, Sun Li recently graduated from college and started a new job. Everything went well, he was happy with his new career, it was just that he didn't know how to express his differences with his boss. He tried to come up with a new idea to his boss, but he kept dismissing it. One day, he was so upset that he made a big fuss in the office because his manager had once again dismissed his idea.
In another workplace, Wang Xiaomeng, who is also a fresh graduate, was assigned several projects. She did it all, and did it well. Naturally, her manager assigned her more projects. She is taking responsibility. It seems like a good thing, it's just that her salary is stagnant, below the level of her male counterparts, and she's been working on the boringest, most difficult projects that others don't want to do. In addition, despite receiving praise from management, she has been excluded from promotion. However, even though she was in pain, she didn't say anything.
What do these two people have in common?
Well, they're all college fresh graduates. But there's more — they were never allowed to talk back when they were younger.
Sun Li never had the opportunity to learn to express dissenting opinions respectfully, because any dissenting opinions were considered counter-verbal, and he was never allowed to express his dissenting opinions. He also had a lot of suppressed anger because he felt like he had never been heard. So when he was frustrated at work and didn't know how to handle disagreements, he exploded.
Wang Xiaomeng has never had the opportunity to learn self-confidence, because any attempt at self-confidence is seen as a counter-talk, and she can never talk to adults firmly and confidently.
When children talk back, it's easy for parents to focus on what they say rather than what they say. When we feel disrespected, we become passive and try to eliminate the source of hurt.
But if we focus only on our own feelings, we pass up the opportunity to teach our children valuable skills.
How to deal with children's mouth-shutting
The belief that children should not be allowed to talk back to their parents is an authoritarian attitude, which is associated with more problems with children's behaviour. There are better ways to deal with rude behavior. There are actually many benefits to having children practice disagreeing. It will even block negative behavior if you also do the following:
1. Teach them how to respectfully disagree
First, take a deep breath to calm yourself down.
Allowing children to speak up is giving them a say.
Of course, you should not encourage rude remarks or abuse. However, parents should also not treat everything as a counter-argument. Not all rude comments are due to restricted testing, seeking negative attention, or lack of discipline.
Children, especially young children, do not have good emotional regulation skills. So when they object to something that is important to them, their strong emotions naturally triumph over their reasoning.
Most children don't deliberately disrespect others, but speak with emotions they don't yet know how to control.
If we focus on a tone of disrespect and ignore the message behind it, we won't be able to help them or meet the needs of our children. If we strictly forbid any negative tone, children will not have the opportunity to practice conveying information in a controlled way.
Practicing means they make mistakes. Don't expect your child to get it right the first time. The first step is to provide guidance and practical opportunities.
We need to be calm, respectfully point out rude gestures and ask them to repeat their messages in a respectful manner.
If we can calmly point out inappropriate words and show them the right way to express their needs, they are more likely to do it the right way next time.
Practice makes perfect.
If they can't practice, they won't learn. They may grow up and become another Sun Li who cannot peacefully oppose and sabotage their careers. You don't want your kids to do that.
2. Help them practice self-confidence
Disrespectful behavior does not always mean disrespect.
Kids' impulsiveness may sound blunt and rude, but it's easy to tackle with a lot of practice (and your patience). Speaking anxiety, on the other hand, is not easily cured.
It is important for children to learn to be confident without being afraid to speak out. Confidence is especially important for girls, who are often told they should be "good" about it. Many women, like Mary, can't stand up for themselves and demand what they deserve.
Like a respectful tone, communication with confidence and respect is a simple skill that needs to be practiced so that children can express themselves effectively in a constructive way. Don't let your child become another Wang Xiaomeng.
3. Respect the role models of others
When you let your child speak up and listen to them, you're setting an example of how to respect others. Providing a good example is the best way to teach children respect.
Punishment, yelling, or yelling will not motivate good behavior in your child.
4. Teach life skills
Allowing your child to talk back means making your child reason with you. Reasoning trains children in critical thinking, problem-solving, creativity and negotiation skills. This is an important skill that can help your child go further in life.
If you're angry or too frustrated to teach well, leave the situation for a while to calm down. You're also modeling your child using coping techniques.
Before re-engaging, make sure you stay calm and composed.
5. Allow emotional regulation
Sometimes, kids do push the limits and want to get involved in power struggles. This usually happens when they are angry.
Anger arises when people, children, or adults feel that something is wrong or unfair. When a child is conquered by anger, stress hormones are released, the thinking brain is "offline" and speaks in unacceptable ways.
Having a well-functioning thinking brain is essential to prevent tantrums and regulate emotions, and using inductive reasoning to discipline your child can help them think about problems and activate their thinking brains.
6. Understand that authority is not always right
Teaching children to "always obey authority and not talk back" is to train children to accept abuse.
Parents are not a panacea. I always make mistakes. I'd rather my kids know right from wrong in any situation than agree with me all the time like sheep.
The authorities are not always right. They are human beings, and humans make mistakes. In addition, some authorities do abuse their powers. When this happens (and it happens more often than you think), you want your child to have the confidence to reject abuse.
If parents are obsessed with being a "parental authority" rather than focusing on shaping positive behavior, then they are likely to have unresolved issues that can benefit from professional help.
7. Establish a strong parent-child relationship
When you see your child as a rational person rather than a subordinate, you build a close relationship. Your child will feel heard. Eventually, they'll learn to trust you, listen to your opinions, and stop talking back.
When you don't focus on paying the consequences for the sake of talking back, but try to motivate them to learn, your bad behavior will be reduced, your family will be more peaceful, and your family will be happier.
Raising children is hard and often exhausting. When parents feel tired and depressed, it's easy to forget that our own behavior can also affect a child's reaction. Using "because I said so" as the answer to every disagreement is a parenting shortcut that doesn't do your child any good.
Giving your child a voice and disagree is teaching them to be leaders, not blind followers.