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There is practice, there is companionship, there is strength
Hailan Happy Home 2022 16th practice story
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1
Recently, my husband is very busy at work, after returning home from work, he often works until 11 o'clock, the work basically occupies all his time, there is not much time to accompany the children and me, before saying that he would accompany the children to practice badminton, he could not do it.
This state of his dedication to work made me a little afraid.
Today, I realized that VIP "busy at work" means to me:
1, his mind is not at home, which in turn will stimulate my insecurity.
2, I am afraid that my time will be eroded, I want to go to the position to accompany the child.
I have a voice in my heart: I want to keep my boundaries.
So I told him that he was going to accompany him in the evening badminton class, which was more important than playing football with colleagues.
After this message was sent, he began to complain to me: recently the work has reached a bottleneck period, and he wants me to accompany the child.
I couldn't understand this logic and wasn't willing to sacrifice my time to play football for him.
I said, "I'm tired, and I can do my own thing on Monday and Tuesday night." ”
He said, "Then take a leave of absence from badminton class." ”
I asked him to go and ask the coach for a leave of absence.
He may feel that he is always rejected by me, so he gets angry and says, "Forget it, I'll take care of it myself, you don't have to deal with it."
His tone made me feel bad.
I didn't do anything wrong, I just chose to maintain my boundaries, and he regressed into the state of a child. Unreasonable.
2
When I got home at night, I learned that what he called was to let someone else help pick up the children to play badminton, and he went to play football himself.
Hearing this, I was furious!
Looking back at this moment, I should have been inspired.
I projected the image of "good dad" on the VIP, hoping that the child can have a heart-to-heart father and give the child quality companionship, without childhood regrets.
Obviously, VIP can't do it, he puts his own needs first.
I was disappointed!
When we got home after the kick, we felt that each other's aura was not right, and we didn't speak.
At night, he continued to work overtime until the early hours of the morning, and went to sleep in the children's room.
When I woke up in the middle of the night, I found that he had not returned to the master room to sleep, and he was even more unhappy, and at that moment his mind was constantly buzzing, and I had insomnia.
So, I listened to the silent audio of "Getting Along with Difficult Emotions" twice, and when I named the grievance emotions, my tears fell.
I just defended my boundaries, he was so cold and violent, I felt very wronged.
Can I only make up for it behind him all the time in my life?
I can't!
After contemplation, the mood calms down a little and falls asleep again.
The next day, my growing companion reminded me of the need to rebalance myself, and that neither of our needs could be met from the other.
Work is bigger than heaven for him, and I can't change that.
On the issue of child companionship, when they are willing to communicate with each other, I can have a family meeting like my partner suggested, and re-find the "point" where the minimum needs of the three parties can be met.
3
When I felt completely calm, at 8:30 p.m., he sent a message saying to come back after overtime, and when I saw the text message, I was inspired again.
Taking another deep breath back to calm, looking up at the night sky, I asked myself, "What does it mean to you if he's working overtime at the moment, and you're alone with your children?" ”
A voice replied, "I raised my children as if I were a person, and I had a money-making machine that would give money every month, at least I didn't have to worry about making a living, although I never thought the economy would be my problem." ”
When the other party can't give us companionship and love, let me enjoy the parent-child fun like a person with a child, after all, this time is gone.
Stop asking for love from someone who can't give love, love yourself well.
Writing this, I crawled out of the tragic story.
Believe that everything is arranged by itself!
4
I thought that this time the disturbance would end in reconciliation with myself.
Last night, my husband came home from overtime and took the initiative to communicate with me to check: On Monday night, why was I so angry?
I told him that he was going to play football himself because he commissioned a friend to pick up and drop off his children.
I made my concerns: the kids are young, the bad guys aren't non-existent, and we don't know the acquaintances around us that well.
Moreover, he also got angry with me because I did not make up for it this time, which made me very incomprehensible and very aggrieved.
Not making up the position once erased the fact that he had helped him fill the position countless times in the past, as if all this had become "I should", "I should" should be filled at any time.
When everything becomes "should," the relationship is already unequal.
He also expressed that he really did not think that it would be risky to entrust his children to his friends, and he thought it was the best of both worlds, so he could not understand my anger.
And, at the moment when I refused to fill the position, he felt that "in the most difficult times, the partner cannot rely on, but can only rely on colleagues and friends."
I didn't think that not playing football once would bring him such a big difficult emotion?
So with curiosity to understand what he is afraid of?
He was afraid of whether he would be unable to play football in the future because of the conflict with his children.
I know that playing football is a big resource for him, and I am also very supportive of him to play football, but I also have my own business, I can't make up for it every time, and I ask him to believe that I have tried my best.
5
This time of communication, we see each other's emotions behind each other, see each other's difficulties, and are more willing to stand in each other's perspective and understand each other's reactions.
I think: this is what everyone often calls a "quarrelsome" couple.
After each fight, I first look inward: where am I angry, what are my needs? What are the needs of the other party?
The most uncomfortable points of our mutual suffering come from which interpretations in our minds, and then communicate with each other, and the feelings are deeper!
Finally, to sum up: how do I smoothly resolve my grievances?
1, even if he thinks: I am not a good wife if I do not make up for the position, I also accept my imperfections, no one is perfect.
2, do not live for the relationship, allow yourself to express feelings in the relationship, at that moment I am really tired and do not want to make up, this is my real needs. How the other party interprets it is the other party's business.
3, take care of your own feelings, the most important.
4, if a relationship, never talk about feelings, only talk about things, this relationship is not a healthy relationship. I felt that my husband had materialized me into an omnipotent nanny.
5. Accept the state of being isolated from each other and not speaking. Wait until both sides are in the green light area to communicate.
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Author: Sea Blue Happiness Home Self Happiness Coach Practice Student Sunny
Editor: Wang Li
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