How tired is it to have a child who does not like to learn?
I believe that many mothers have experienced it.
In order to let him study well and have a good future and development in the future, his parents spent most of their time and energy in life on him, and the life arrangements of the whole family revolved around his itinerary.
But the most painful and puzzling thing is that in the end, the child not only does not appreciate it, but also wants you to disappear completely from his eyes!
01
My son is 13 years old and has just entered puberty, and our relationship is becoming increasingly tense, often in a state of tension.
I am not accustomed to his attitude of hanging er Lang Dang, not in a hurry to learn;
He hated that I always stared at him every day, counted him down, and mentioned learning and grades as soon as I opened my mouth.
I also don't like to follow his ass every day and nag, but there is no way, if I don't stare, he really doesn't learn!
When I was in elementary school, it was good to say that since I entered junior high school, the learning tasks are heavy, the pressure is high, and the difficulty is gradually increasing.
Even if you hurry to write your homework after school, it will take more than ten o'clock to finish all subjects. But what about the son? There is no hurry to burn eyebrows.
I didn't study well, I went home, and after eating, I had to watch TV for a while and eat some fruit snacks.
Dragging and rubbing for half a day, I finally moved my ass to the stool, but I couldn't enter the learning state for a long time! Pick up your phone over and over again, or stare at the book in a daze.
Therefore, from morning to night, I always can't help but give a few instructions: listen carefully to lectures in class, learn to improve efficiency, don't always look at mobile phones, write homework with snacks...
But the son, not only did not appreciate it, but as if I was wrong, he deliberately opposed me.
Speaking lightly, people turn a deaf ear, eyelids do not lift a little, you urge you, I slow mine;
Say heavy, the red face will fight with you, screaming, live can kill people's popularity.
Last semester's final exams ended, and my son did poorly. When I went to pick him up from school, he didn't speak the whole time with a dark face, asked him how many names he had taken, and he didn't hear him at all, and he didn't answer at all.
I usually don't study well, and I don't give my parents a good look at my parents if I don't take the test, which is simply incomprehensible!
I secretly called the teacher after I arrived home with a stomach full of fire, and only then did I know that my son was at the bottom of the class ranking in each subject, and mathematics and English were close to failing!
The teacher told me that my son's state at school was very poor, he did not pay attention to listening to lectures in class, and always engaged in small actions: "He himself does not love to learn, and he also affects the classmates around him, and always likes to pull the same table to talk." ”
I understand the meaning of the words, that is, if my son is still like this next semester, I will consider changing his seat.
I blushed when I heard it, and quickly assured my son that I would definitely raise my learning attitude and ask the teacher to bother with more snacks next.
After hanging up the phone, I turned around and went to my son to settle the account!
As a result, people are concentrating on playing games, and the loss of bad tests has long been forgotten!
A burst of fire rushed into my heart, rushed over to grab my son's mobile phone, and slammed it to the ground:
"How do you still have the heart to play, huh?" How can you play with peace of mind? Do you know what the teacher thinks of you in his heart? Bad students who interfere with other people's learning! ”
"If I were you, really, I would have to raise my grades with my head arched, just to fight for this breath!"
"If you really don't like to learn, don't read it!" Go to work as a takeaway delivery, don't spend your parents' money all day long, enjoy such good living conditions and waste time! ”
The son was also annoyed, picked up the mobile phone on the ground, and fell down with all his strength, and the fragments that were torn apart jumped to the ground! He burst into flames and yelled at me:
"Okay, I'll go to work, you don't regret it!" I tell you, don't think that every day I let me learn and I will be grateful to you! I'm already bored to death! ”
In the heat of the conflict, a conversation breaks up.
The next day, the son directly approached her husband and asked for a leave of absence from school to work.
He told his dad that he was "too stressed to live, didn't want to go to school, and wanted to work to support himself." ”
After my husband comforted his son, he was very dissatisfied when he told me, complaining to me: "These years of big money do not need you to earn, see you also spend all your energy on the children, the family is also a mess, how to make the children habitual like this, have to quit school?" ”
I listened, both angry and sad, for a while sad from it, I felt that it was not interesting to live!
All along, I thought I was a conscientious mother, I didn't expect that now, my son is so resentful of me, my husband easily said a few words, and he wiped out my efforts over the years!
What the hell am I doing wrong?
02
After tossing and turning for a week, I began to look for solutions to the rebellious and school-weary children of adolescence.
Since I can't figure it out myself, then go find professional guidance, otherwise if I continue like this, my husband's complaints are nothing, and my son will be completely ruined!
Later, I had the privilege of starting to learn family education, and those of us parents from different places faced the same problem, just like brothers and sisters towards the same goal, arm in arm, heart to heart, support each other, encourage each other, and grow together!
We gradually become a beam of light, illuminating ourselves, illuminating fellow travelers, and knowing how to lead children to grow and change together!
The things that I couldn't figure out before gradually became clearer.
It turns out that excessive attention to the child's learning status and urging the child's schedule progress are the reasons for the child's boredom and his passive resistance!
As the teacher put it:
"Adolescent children, self-awareness begins to awaken, they know that the parents are right and do not want to do it, because the heart resists being ordered, does not want to be manipulated by the parents." 」
"A sense of autonomy and control is a basic need for people's mental health. Only children with autonomy will have intrinsic motivation and self-control to initiate the initiative to learn. ”
"And those children who have been deprived of autonomy are prone to problems such as procrastination and school aversion, from passive resistance to serious consequences such as rebellion and truancy."
Unexpectedly, I have always looked down on the children's problems, do not love learning, do not active, procrastinate and slack, are all created by my accumulation;
And the behaviors that I think I am responsible for my children, staring at the children and nagging, supervising the children's learning... In essence, they are all self-moved, but the child avoids it and suppresses it.
It is not too late to make up for the dead sheep, how can I reverse my son's state of disgust and completely dispel his idea of dropping out of school?
The teacher gave me specific improvement strategies:
(1) Maintain a positive attitude and understand the child with kindness
(2) Wait patiently to help children "reconcile with boredom"
03
1. Maintain a positive attitude, understand the child with kindness, and protect the child's interest in learning
In fact, no matter how negative, tired, and want to lie flat now, they have a positive heart when they are young.
He works tirelessly on the blocks, listens intently to the story, and tries to do the best at everything at hand.
Only after entering the learning stage, often because parents use the wrong education and interaction methods, such as anxiety, nagging, urging, preaching, etc., suppressing the child's initiative.
Especially in today's "grades are king", a bad exam is a reprimand, so that children are stressed and bored when they mention learning.
As a result, the more parents pay attention to and supervise, the more rebellious and bored the children are, and the parent-child relationship has entered a vicious circle.
Therefore, parents should read their fearful and helpless hearts through the appearance of children's "reverse and disgust with learning", not maliciously interpret children, and encourage and understand children with a positive attitude.
The more children with poor grades, the more we have to care about their psychological feelings. Don't spread the temporary shadow of achievements to the psychological level of children, as long as they still maintain physical and mental health and do not resist learning, there is still a chance to counterattack.
Therefore, in the next daily life, I kept the teacher's educational philosophy in mind and applied it to my relationship with my son.
The first thing is to protect the child's self-esteem, let him respect himself, create conditions to make him feel that he is not worse than anyone, let him love himself, think that he has the potential to learn knowledge, there is other potential, there is a future, and he has the ability to create a happy life.
When the child feels respected, considerate, and supported, he no longer asks for it, but begins to pay attention to the heart, and he will think of making a difference.
And this is the so-called internal driving force, that is, the child has the need for self-realization, has a spiritual goal, and has the passion of life!
2. Wait patiently to help children "reconcile with boredom"
Remember one sentence:
Our children don't have to really give up on themselves and lie flat completely!
They are probably doing "sit-ups", getting tired, lying down for a while to rest and recuperate.
Therefore, parents need to accept the fact that "my child is indeed bored with school and needs time to experience inner confusion and conflict", wait patiently, and give the child time to sort out his mood.
At this time, if the parents are impetuous and want to quickly cut through the mess and reverse the situation immediately, it will only aggravate the child's confrontational mood, stimulate the child's rebellious psychology, but aggravate the problem.
But waiting is not a passive wait for inaction, parents should also observe carefully, effectively help them solve problems, overcome difficulties, and give positive feedback to their children.
Show your child an attitude of "I am willing to provide you with all help and support, always stand behind you", care for your child regularly, and ask him how he feels.
I found that when I really understood the teacher's strategy, while actively understanding the child, I also expressed to the child that I could help you, and the child also began to open his heart and was willing to accept my help and suggestions.
Slowly, things gradually developed in a good direction.
The son's state is in stark contrast to the past:
Before, I stared at my son's learning status every day, often choking on myself, but my son could not even complete his homework seriously, and his academic performance was unbearable.
Now, I give my son full trust and autonomy, positive affirmation, acceptance and understanding, timely point out his progress, even if it is only a little, affirm the results of his "self-management", my son is like a balloon full of gas, full of motivation every day.
In the past few months, my son's learning status and relationship with me have improved too much.
The teachers of the school also affirmed the progress of their son in the follow-up communication.
She was surprised by the great changes in her son, and after listening to the stories of my lessons and learning, she praised me for being able to make a radical change and work hard to grow: "If parents can be like you, realize the role they play in their children's learning, and let go of their inherent concepts to change and learn, I think many children's state and fate will be different." 」 ”
After this period of study, I deeply realized that on the road of parenting, it is far from enough to have a heart that is "good for children". If the wrong educational concept is used, the more careful the parents are, the more injured the children will be.
Only by mastering scientific educational concepts and correct communication methods can we solve problems and help children "change their lives against the sky".
Finally, please pay attention to me, I will continue to share the stories and experiences of educating children, I hope to help you~