Learning to communicate with children calmly is a lifelong compulsory course for all parents!
Author | Julie Zhang Huishan
I haven't seen my father for more than two years, and the last thing I can forget is his back.
。
01
Two days ago, I was in the tea house with a mother and son to share a table.
At that time, the mother took a spoon and fed porridge to the mouth of the 3-year-old child, and the child said "hot".
Mom yelled, "Where's the hot! You just don't want to eat! ”
The child was stunned, and I was stunned.
"Get me in trouble all day and annoy me!" Mom said indignantly.
Only to see the child with his head down, with the food, the eyes are clearly red, there are tears swirling, but they did not fall.
Children crying do not dare to cry out loud, most of them have experienced more of this kind of roaring, knowing that crying is no good fruit to eat, can only endure.
In the end, Mom simply and rudely completed her feeding.
Are you familiar with this yelling parent-child model?
A study by American sociologist Morrie Strauss showed that 90% of parents in families with parent-child problems have yelled at their children.
In real life, I have also seen many families, and communication basically relies on yelling.
Increasingly, the family is acting like an emotional dump.
Obviously, it is for the good of the child, but every word spoken is like a knife.
When we yell at the child unscrupulously in the name of love, thinking that we are "disciplining" and helping the child, we all know that the child who is silent and does not speak has long been scarred in his heart.
Parents' impulses are temporary, but the child may lose a lifetime.
02
There is a question on the Internet: "What happened to a child who was yelled at from an early age?" ”
Many netizens silently answered two words: inferiority.
And this kind of inferiority is taught by adults themselves.
I remember meeting a 7- or 8-year-old girl in the square in front of my house.
After dinner, he was taken out by his parents to play, and accidentally fell, and his palms were bleeding.
"So stupid!"
"Play and don't play!"
The child's father gritted his teeth and roared.
The little girl walked away without a word or a head, turned to her mother and cried:
"I didn't mean to fall,"
"I don't think Dad loves me at all..."
When we yell, the child cannot learn any lesson or truth, but is only swept into the dark vortex of emotions, and takes all the words that the adult says about himself and turns it into his own concept:
"He must not love me."
"They belittle me, they show that I have a problem, I'm not good."
"I can only get love if I make others happy..."
Psychologist Kohut put it this way:
"The child needs the radiance reflected in the mother's eyes to sustain narcissistic satisfaction..."
The cold eyes of parents will abandon a child in an empty universe and never find a way home.
Everything is uncertain, so keep seeking attention and constantly currying favor.
Live cowardly and be careful.
Once hurt, it will only suffer in silence.
Even if it is done well, it tends to be self-deprecating.
Inferiority to the bone.
That's how a child's sense of worth and self-confidence is destroyed.
03
The lethality of yelling at children, of course, is more than that.
I met a mom and her 6-year-old son in a hands-on experience class.
In the process of making the handicraft, the child's mother yelled at the child vigorously: you should be like this, you can't be like that, can't you hear what I say? Deaf in the ear? ......
The child has been biting his lip and not speaking, and the movement in his hands has slowed down significantly.
After the work was completed, the child was pulled by his mother to take pictures.
The whole time, the child stiffly cooperated with his mother, but his eyes were full of emptiness and dazedness.
The whole state of this child is actually "wooden".
The child who is always yelled at, his ability to learn and desire to learn, is obviously declining.
Brain science research also proves this.
In a long-term yelling environment, the amygdala in the child's brain is constantly stimulated.
The amygdala is mainly responsible for dealing with the two emotions of anger and fear.
If the amygdala is repeatedly stimulated, the child lives in fear at any time.
A child who is always afraid, his learning is doomed to be inefficient.
As in "Three Fools in Bollywood", the principal asked the student Raja: "You work so hard, but your academic performance has always been very poor, what is the reason?" ”
Ragha replied: "Fear."
The findings of Martin A. Teicher, an associate professor at Harvard Medical School, are even more shocking.
He and his team discovered:
Children who have been subjected to verbal violence for a long time have reduced volumetric volume of their hippocampus (a key brain region for memory formation) and callosum (bundles of nerve fibers that connect the left and right brains).
This shows that the child's memory and reaction speed are significantly reduced, and the child's entire IQ is directly affected!
04
It is said that a good word is warm in three winters, and a bad word hurts people in June.
In this life, children grow up on the tip of their parents' tongues.
What can we do to change the situation where children are yelling and cursing?
First, learn to stop.
Luo Jing, a parenting expert, said: "For parents who are prone to emotional loss of control and love to yell at their children, learning to stop is a particularly important lesson in parenting. ”
Shouting stop means that we begin to let go of all the attachments of "you should" and "you must" and really see the child;
This means that we finally understand that children are born as different individuals from us, and they need to follow their own will, all the way to the climb, all the way to make mistakes and try, and finally to grow into their unique appearance.
Next time, when we feel that the child is disobedient and unsatisfactory, when we can't help but yell at the child, please stop.
If it is difficult to brake, you may wish to leave the child temporarily, go to a corner, and then return to the child after the mood eases.
We can also teach our children in daily communication: "Baby, if I'm emotional, you can say to me: Dad/Mom, please stop!" ”
Second, learn to be aware
If it's hard to stop, start by recording our emotions.
There is such a scene in "Super Parenter":
A mother is talking and growling at any time, and her child is also very hot-tempered, crying at every turn.
The child asked her mother a question, and the mother answered impatiently, directly yelling: "Don't bother me anymore!" Don't ask me again! ”
The child cried and begged for a hug, and the mother shouted: "How can I hold you with something?" ”
The program team arranged for the mother to go to the sound experience venue.
The mom broke down when she heard her yelling at her child's voice playing back in her ears.
She burst into tears and expressed "fear" and "fear" of her hysteria.
Even the adults can't bear the yelling and scolding, how did the children suffer?
So, if you've always been used to yelling to communicate with your child, try to record your emotions.
Use pen and paper, or audio or video recordings.
This will help us to be more aware and reflective, so that we can learn little by little, slow down the speed of speech, lower the tone, and communicate with the child with a gentler attitude.
Third, try to use some communication skills
Only when people are in a good mood can they cooperate, reflect, and make changes. This is true for adults, and it is even more true for children.
Therefore, in daily life, remember to deal with the mood first, and then deal with the event.
For example, a child clamoring for cookies and there is none at home.
Don't rush to yell at the child for not understanding things, but see the child's mood: "You want to eat a cookie now, I actually want to eat it too..."
Then deal with the incident: "I also want to have it now, we will buy it tomorrow, and you must remind me to buy it tomorrow." ”
In addition, use "I" instead of "you" as the subject.
For example, when you see a child throwing paint on the ground, don't say, "Why are you throwing paint around again?!" ...", but said "I saw that the floor was full of paint..."
The former is blame, which is easy to cause the child to resist or avoid; the latter is to describe that the child is willing to cooperate and seek solutions.
Fourth, improve the parent-child relationship from the root
There are studies that show that:
The parent-child relationship increased by 10%, the sense of belonging in school of primary school students increased by 8.42%, the benign moral behavior increased by 7.14%, the academic performance increased by 4.01%, and the cognitive ability increased by 3.36%.
Unfortunately, many parents have put the cart before the horse.
They do not hesitate to destroy the parent-child relationship and repeatedly stare at the "problems" and "problems" of the child.
Mistakenly believe that only when a child is obedient, has improved, and becomes excellent, can he respect him, love him, and accept him.
All wrong.
It is not that the child obeys, we respect the child; but we respect the child, and the child obeys.
It is not that when the child progresses, we trust the child; but when we trust and accept the child, the child can progress and may be better.
Finally, and most importantly, parents need to be kind to themselves.
Admit that you will also have times when you don't do it right, accept yourself, and then improve next time.
When we are overwhelmed by life and do not accept our emotions, it is easy to yell at our children.
So, take care of your own life first, and then take care of your child's life!
Encourage all parents!
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