It's New Year's Day, but I don't have the desire to meet and chat with anyone, including parents, partners, children and their favorite relatives, so I want to stay alone in the hotel, eating the hotel buffet in the morning, eating instant noodles at noon, and eating prepared bread in the evening.
I have no interest in anyone or anything, so I want to be alone in my room, reading, writing, in a daze, crying, just don't want to see people.
I reject any "hilarity", which seems to me to be superficial false joys, and real pain can only be buried in the bottom of my heart. I don't want to understand others, others don't understand me, they all think that my temper is too weird, too faceless, every day I have to be coaxed, habitual, spoiled, I don't know how to explain to them, why they don't understand me, because I don't have any hope for life, I have despaired to the extreme. And the more they treat me, the more I feel guilty, uncomfortable, miserable, sorry for them, and I can't do anything about it.
I felt like I might be sick and lonely, but unwilling to come into contact with anyone. Even more desperate is that I can think of the next year when this symptom will only worsen, not diminish. There is such a me around, other people's years are also very interested, but I am stubbornly unwilling to change myself, I do not know how to change.
Maybe it's better to choose not to get married or have children in the first place and then not to go home for the New Year.
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