01 【Children's emotions tear the hearts of parents】
"Is there anything you can do when you talk and cry?" I have asked you how many times, but if you don't say it, you will know to cry..."
"Are you stiffening your wings, feeling that you have grown up, dare to talk back to me, you give me a good listen..."
"110, my child ran away from home, has not heard from for more than 24 hours, we looked for all the places we could find, all blamed me for being angry, slapped him, hey, all blame me..."
What a familiar sound, how familiar the movement, as if it were right in the ear, right in front of you. In the face of children's emotions, it really makes parents crazy: they can't fight, scold, don't listen, don't listen, and it's so difficult to be a parent!
Parents hope that their children will grow up healthy and happy, but they also find that as their children grow up, their children's emotions become more and more difficult to figure out, and they lose their temper at every turn. In the face of emotional children, parents are swallowing their anger and being cautious, afraid of detonating their children, parents are helpless and helpless, and the heart that loves their children is deeply torn.
02 [Let children have a happy childhood and have a happy life]
The famous psychologist Jung once said that a happy childhood can heal a person's life, and an unhappy childhood needs a lifetime to heal.
I believe that all parents want to give their children a happy childhood, but often give their children "A honey B arsenic", the emergence of love and killing, and all this stems from the emotions between parents and children.
Emotions are the bridge of communication between people, parent-child communication there are many things that can not be expressed in words, at this time emotions have become the best medium, when parents will translate children's emotions, you become the easiest to enter the child's heart, the most understanding of children, the most loved by children; on the contrary, when parents can not translate children's emotions, either will condone children's emotions, or will suppress children's emotions, which is a huge harm to children!
At the New Year, we will encounter such a situation: the New Year to the child to press the old money, if in the past is a few hundred yuan, this year you gave the child 1,000 yuan of red envelopes, the child is particularly happy, happy, you let him do what he is willing at this time. But you find that this excitement lasts for a short time; if you used to give your child a few hundred yuan in red envelopes, and this year you gave 100 yuan, you will find that your child is estranged from you, and for a long time the child does not pay attention to you. You may think that the child is too powerful, see the money eye open, etc., there are all kinds of judgments. In fact, the most fundamental reason for this is that children are controlled by two types of emotions.
One is the original emotion, the innate emotion, the emotion that has been there since birth, including joy, anger, sadness, and fear. Native emotions are an instinctive emotion, which comes quickly and disappears quickly, and we cannot control the original emotions. For example, when the child gets a thousand yuan red envelope, this is the original emotion, beyond his expectations he is very happy, this emotion you can not stop, but soon this emotion will disappear.
The other type is derived emotions, emotions that arise from the story of the mind triggered by native emotions. Such as worry, fear, sadness, depression and so on. Derived emotions, he will form a brain story, it is difficult to disappear quickly. For example, if the child gets 100 yuan in red envelopes, his brain story is, "Last year gave me 600 yuan, this year gave me 100 yuan, really cut the door; or, this year, give me 100 yuan, is not like me ah" and so on, all kinds of brain stories will be generated, that will inevitably produce sadness, sadness, depression and other emotions, when these emotions are intertwined, the child will present a variety of performances.
Therefore, when parents face their children's emotions, for the original emotions, do not block, let him happen, it will be good soon after the hair is over, in fact, it cannot be stopped; and for the derivative emotions, parents are to be guided, so that children learn to see their emotions, and gradually learn to control their emotions, such a childhood must be happy!
03 [Let children learn to control emotions and control their own lives]
Haval's family training said: Good or bad emotions determine the success or failure of things, and different emotions will dominate different endings in life. Only by mastering emotions can we be the real winners in life.
The "good emotions" mentioned in the family training is to control your own derivative emotions. So how to let children control their own derivative emotions and be the winners of their own lives? Parents in the see that the child has emotions, you can follow the following three steps to cultivate the child's ability to control emotions, through the cultivation and training from an early age, the child will gradually master the ability to control emotions, but also can control their own life:
First: "Channeling" emotions rather than "blocking" emotions
The root cause of Dayu's success in controlling water is not "blocking" but "thinning". Therefore, when we parents face the child's emotions, we cannot stop the child's emotions, we must learn to "channel". That is, when we see that the child has emotions, we must allow the child's emotions to flow, not stop.
For example, when we see a child who is angry in his room because of the exam, when he is angry and beats things, the parent allows him to release his emotions in this way, and when you don't know how to do what the child will like, don't do anything, as long as the child is in a safe environment with how he releases it. This is a kind of "sparse" process, which seems very simple, but many parents often see their children's emotions and can't control their emotions, and even more than the children's emotions, they want to suppress their children's emotions.
Therefore, when parents see that their children's emotions are released, please put away our own emotions first and stay away from the child, which is the most beneficial way for the child to deal with it. Children will also gradually become calm because their emotions are respected by their parents.
Second: Give emotions a name rather than let it go
There is a very magical kung fu in the martial arts drama called Dian Cave Gong, and one finger can get a person. Naming emotions, like acupuncture, can calm a person's emotions quickly.
When a child is in the mood, he is more controlled by the derived emotions, because the original emotions can quickly pass, and we see that the reason why the emotions cannot be calmed for a long time is that the derivative emotions are actually at work. And the derived emotions are more of a brain story, one story after another, so it is difficult for people to calm down. At this time, give him a name for his emotions, "Are you sad", "Are you angry" and so on, when parents name the child's emotions, the child will see his emotional state, even if he still does not stop at this moment, but he already knows his emotions at this time, he will soon calm down the emotions.
Therefore, naming emotions is to help children see their emotions, see their own state at this time, and withdraw themselves from the story of their minds and return to the present. By doing this often, children will become more and more sensitive to their emotions, and they can control their emotions well!
Third: Express emotions instead of emotional expressions
Neither children nor adults have learned how to express emotions, but we have all learned to express emotions because we have all learned it from our parents.
What's the difference between emotional expression and expression of emotion? The biggest advantage of emotional expression is that you can do whatever you want, but the biggest disadvantage is that you destroy the relationship between each other; and the biggest disadvantage of expressing emotions is that it is not so cool, but it allows us to maintain a good relationship.
For example, the child wants a pair of basketball shoes of a thousand yuan, shouting at home, and even beating things, at this time he is in the emotional expression, if the parents insist on not buying, the child will continue to aggravate this emotional release, with gambling not to eat, run away from home and other ways to blackmail the parents; if the parents buy, the child will be very proud, immediately stop the emotional release, and from then on the parents will be kidnapped by the child's emotions. So, in the face of emotional expression of children, no matter what the parents do is wrong.
The best way to deal with this is to do the two things mentioned above: I know you have emotions now, you are very angry, you are angry, you can release your emotions. We'll talk when your emotions have calmed down. When the child calms down, the parents can tell him: I hope that you can express your feelings and thoughts when you have emotions in the future, rather than solving them by throwing a tantrum. When parents use this way to guide their children to express their emotions, the child will gradually master the ways and methods of emotional management, and he will be able to become the master of his emotions without being kidnapped by emotions.
Emotions are the bridge of communication between parents and children, we must not only like happy emotions, we also have to embrace negative emotions, because all emotions are a kind of love transmission. Only by reading the appeal behind each emotion can we better understand each other. As a parent, only by maintaining a normal heart, patience and love, can we better guide the child to be the master of their own emotions, let the child control his own life, the parent-child relationship will become more and more harmonious, and the family will be happier and happier!