This article divides a boy's life into three main stages: 0-6 years old, 6-14 years old, and 14 years old-adulthood, and addresses the developmental characteristics of boys in these three stages.
The important role of parents at this stage, what should be paid attention to when parenting and other issues are scientifically analyzed, and specific and feasible methods are given.
Although it is relatively long, it is recommended that mothers with boys at home read it well, because this article is likely to help you a lot.
Today, in general, girls are more motivated to learn, have better grades, and work hard than boys, while many boys learn poorly, have no goals, don't handle relationships well, and get involved in fights and disputes.
Studies have found that boys after the age of 15 are three times more likely to die early than girls for a variety of reasons (such as accidents, violence, suicide, etc.).
But if boys are properly groomed, they can become great lovers, fathers, and work partners, showing the good side of men: competent, caring, and stable.
So how do boys really grow up? What should we parents pay attention to as they grow up? Psychologists who pay attention to the growth of boys divide the growth process of boys into three stages.
Stage 1 (0-6 years): Gentle infancy
Although the role of the father was also important during this period, boys were mainly the babies of their mothers. They need a lot of love and security.
Development Features:
When a boy is a baby, his needs are no different from those of a girl, and he needs to establish a special intimate connection with someone who raises him, who is often the mother.
The mother provided the milk, comfort and hugs he needed most. At this time, the father will play some games with the child that excite him, such as throwing high, lifting high, riding on the shoulder, etc., which mothers generally do not do.
The difference between boys and girls began to emerge slowly, with girls being more recognizable than boys and having a sharper sense of touch, while boys were growing faster.
When you start playing from the age of 2 or 3, you will take up more space, like to use items, like to build blocks high, and girls like to build blocks that are relatively low.
The Role of Parents:
If the mother is the primary nurturer of the boy, he will use the mother as a model of intimacy and love.
If the mother sets the rules gently but firmly, not in the form of scolding or humiliation, he will accept the rules and progress quickly. He knew his mother loved him.
If his mother likes to teach him to speak, his brain's language ability will develop faster, making him more loving to interact with people.
The lack of interest or communication skills in interacting with others is a weakness that many boys grow up with, and mothers can make up for this when boys are young.
If the mother is often emotionally sad and lacks attention to the boy, the boy's brain will change and become easy to be sad and sad, if the mother is always angry and scolds him, he will confuse the mother whether he loves him and is insecure.
Therefore, the mother needs the help of others and rest well in order to do the important job of raising the child. The mother also needs to be taken care of so that she can take care of her child.
Mothers should accept a boy's adventurous nature. When the boy catches a small lizard or piles up a lump of dirt, the mother should be proud and happy, not urge him to wash his hands and change clothes.
Father could tease him, pretend to wrestle with him, and at the same time be gentle, also take care of him, read to him, take care of him when he was sick.
Little boys will know that men can be exciting, friendly, and book-loving, or they can share the chores of the family and the task of caring for children.
Places to note:
For separation from his mother, the boy will have a stronger anxiety disorder, and if he feels abandoned, he is more likely to close his heart and not communicate with the outside world.
If possible, boys are best cared for by their families until the age of three, and that kind of child has a lot of children, and nursery schools or kindergartens with large classes are especially not suitable for young boys.
Boys with separation anxiety disorder may be active or aggressive in kindergarten, and adults are likely to label him as active and likely to hit people, and this label may always follow him.
If cared for by a family member or by a caring teacher in a small family-run nursery with only a few children, the boy will adapt better and the separation anxiety disorder will be reduced.
A child under the age of three needs to spend his infancy with someone who puts him in a special place in his heart. The first things boys need to learn is intimacy, trust, warmth, joy and kindness.
These feelings experienced in childhood will help him get through the impulsive adolescence more smoothly, balancing his adventurous and competitive nature.
summary:
Until the age of six, there is no fundamental difference between boys and girls. The mother can be the primary nurturer, but the father can also take on this role.
It is important to have one or two key people who love him, in his infancy, put him in the most important position, so that he will have an inner sense of security throughout his life, his brain will acquire the skills of intimate communication, and love to learn and interact.
The second stage (6-14 years old): learning the male side
Around the age of 6, the boy will have a big transformation, he will start to imitate the movements of male heroes like Superman, Batman, etc., like to wield a gun and stick, and make a lot of noise (and trouble).
More importantly, he began to be very clingy to his father, and if his father was absent, then he would stick to other adult men around him, learn from him, and imitate him.
Without the attention and care of their fathers, many boys begin to have behavioral problems, such as fighting, aggression, and disobedience at school.
The role of parents
Mother:
Although boys start clinging to their fathers, that doesn't mean that their mothers aren't important. Society's demands on men are usually tenacious.
In fact, the male personality that can face the inner emotions is brave, the gentle and loving side is more perfect, and the marriage and interpersonal relationships are more coordinated.
The mother should let the boy know that she will always support him to love him, the boy can also be very close to the mother, keep a soft heart, and some fathers complain that the son and the mother are too close.
In fact, it is not that the wife does too much, but that he interacts too little with his son. If the father has a complaining attitude or expects too much from his son, he will only push his son farther.
If the mother suddenly alienates the boy in order to make him strong. In order to suppress his grief, the boy will close his original side with his mother: love and tenderness, because these emotions are no longer echoed by the mother.
Such boys tend to have stiff interpersonal relationships and monotonous feelings when they grow up. So mothers, whether your son is five or fifteen, you can hug him a lot.
Father:
While the 6-14 year old boy is still attached to his mom, his interests have changed and he is more focused on what male characters can give him. They pay more attention to what their father says than their mothers and are more willing to learn from them.
The short period of 6-14 years old is the most precious time for the father to influence the son, the father should spend more time with the son during this time, if the father is absent, then the boy will turn to other men who can teach him.
Unfortunately, there are fewer and fewer male teachers in today's schools, and many boys can only draw strength from older peers, so there will be small groups or even gangs of boys in schools.
Without the guidance of older, respectable men, these peer groups seek direction in the chaos, exposing themselves to adverse effects such as violence, premature sexual awareness, and smoking.
At this time, the father needs to truly assume the role of the father, go deep into the son's life, support his growth, and be a model for the son in terms of interpersonal relationships, character strength, family marriage, value orientation, etc.
To be a bridge between the world of sons and adult men, here are some basic ways of fatherhood that can be used as a reference for busy fathers:
1. Squeeze out time
This is the most important ability to be a father. If you work 50-60 hours a week, you have a hard time being a good father.
If your son has a problem in life, then it is your responsibility. The father should take the time to play with his son and laugh and teach his son.
2. Express your feelings
Boys like to hug, play, and wrestle, but fathers also establish emotional connections with their sons through quieter activities such as reading, telling stories, sitting and chatting, and listening to music, and sincerely praise their children's intelligence, efforts or creativity.
Some dads are afraid that these will make their sons feminine, but the truth is just the opposite, many gay people look for intimate feelings with other men because of the lack of paternal love.
3. Relax a little
Don't just be with your son out of pressure or a sense of responsibility. Enjoy your time with your son and choose an activity that both of you will enjoy.
Don't turn parent-child time into learning time, reduce the pressure on your son, gradually teach your children your skills, and experience the joy of sports, hiking, planting and other activities with your children.
4, also be a strict father
Some fathers like to be easy and loving fathers, and the difficult parts such as disciplining their children, sharing the housework, and supervising homework.
Some wives half-jokingly said: I have two sons, one of whom is my husband.
Don't put your wife in such a situation, not only to be a friend of the child, but also to share the responsibility of raising and guiding the child with the wife.
Boys aged 6-14 will face problems that have not been encountered in early childhood, such as bullying, discrimination, sexual information brought by peers and society prematurely, and parents need to pay close attention to the representation of these problems.
For example, boys who are bullied at school will not want to go to school, lack of classmates and friends, and loss of pocket money.
Another common problem is that boys' mental maturity during this time is six months to one year later than that of girls, and many parents want their children to be able to enroll in school as soon as possible so that they can be ahead of the curve.
In fact, if the boy goes to school a year later, he will be on par with the girl's classmates, and he can learn and adapt to school life with confidence and smoothness.
Boys 6-14 years old is a precious period for fathers to lay the foundation for men, and even busy fathers should squeeze out time to pay more attention to their sons in these years, even small things will have a big impact:
Walking on summer nights, talking to his son about his upbringing, playing ball together, patting his son on the shoulder and telling him he was great. These good memories nourish the boy and accompany him as he grows.
The third stage (14 years old - adulthood): take a step back to help adulthood
Definition of adulthood:
We usually think that the process of children from the age of 14 to adulthood is to study hard, develop more extracurricular strengths, enter the ideal university, and then find a decent job. That's how a lot of people have come, including myself.
But until the last two years, in the face of many changes in career, family, and environment, in the process of failure and attempt, hard work and happiness.
I realized that my previous self-esteem, pride, and affirmation of my identity came largely from my skills, degree, and job, and my sense of security came from relationships with my family and husband.
My judgment of others is more based on his degree and career, I never really paid attention to people outside of my social class, and I never really regretted my mistakes and the harm I caused to others.
I realized that if there is no self-sufficient mind, if love is reserved only for oneself, if there is always a complacent point to count some material gains, I am still far from adulthood.
Truly adult people have their own principles, the courage to fall and get up, the ability to not fight and foreign objects, and love for friends and family.
Such an adult can face family conflicts, deal with their own health problems, face the challenges of changing the economic environment and the replacement of skills in the workplace, and his identity with himself, relationships with his family and happiness will not be easily changed by environmental changes.
So in the period from the child's age of 14 to adulthood, our goal should not be a prestigious university, but how to train him to become an adult, and what we should do should be the opposite of the boy's previous two stages of development:
Continue to love him, but take a step back, expose him to great people from the outside world, give him a broader perspective, give him the opportunity to help others, give him the experience of making decisions and taking responsibility.
Characteristics of the development of boys between the ages of 14 and adulthood:
1. Think
The focus of a boy's development during this time is actually his mind, and it can be said that puberty is the age when the boy begins to think.
He began to think abstractly, began to criticize and analyze himself, others and the world around him, and adolescent boys often said things like, "My parents always said they supported me."
But they don't let me explore my true self," "I love my dad, but he talks racistly," "My mom is nice, but she always lets others sway her," and so on.
When he began to be silent and alone, he used it to think, absorb, and sort out his feelings and analyze the meaning of events in his life. Parents should now believe in the foundation we laid in his infancy, and trust him.
2. Changeable
Adolescent boys are fickle and prone to emotion. In order to explore himself, he will try different ways of behaving, and he may be confident for a while and know exactly what he wants.
Momentarily melancholy and shy. One will look like a pedantic, one will look like a hippie. Parents sometimes dislike some of his words and deeds, such as dyeing his hair, wearing earrings, criticizing others, and so on.
But as long as we remember a little, we can treat him calmly and communicate with him, and his actions are not directed at us, not deliberately embarrassing and angry.
He's just exploring himself, trying to understand the world, or through words and deeds, hoping to be accepted by his friends.
3. From negation to affirmation
The book Between Form and Freedom points out that there are two stages in the development of adolescence, from the age of 13 to around the age of 16 (presumably high school).
Boys explore the world with good hope, they look forward to discovering the truth, the good, and the beautiful, but they are disappointed to discover the ugliness, injustice, and shortcomings of human nature.
They take a negative attitude toward almost everything, and their criticism of things will be ruthless, sharp and accurate.
But by the end of adolescence (presumably after entering college), boys went from dashing hopes to accepting reality, hoping to change the injustices in reality, and began to look forward to a new life.
4. Energetic
During this time, boys' hormones will be 800 times that of infancy, their bodies will develop rapidly, many boys will fidget all day, and playing ball and running has become their favorite thing.
All boys should have physical activity at this time, and parents should help him find activities that suit him. Although basketball, football, etc. are very popular.
But not all boys like or are suitable for group sports, and introverted children can practice individual sports such as swimming, cycling, and wrestling.
Role of Parents:
1. Existing problems
At this stage, the boy's hormonal and physical development pushes the boy into the role of an adult, who craves more interaction on a spiritual level, hoping to follow passions and dreams.
And our education system just gives boys more schoolwork. Things that scare parents like drugs, crime, drunkenness, etc. are often the case.
It is because boys cannot find a way to pursue glory and realize their heroic dreams, they look at the vast desert society and cannot find people who can believe in and follow.
2. Establish the foundation of communication
What parents have to do is not to pay attention to the superficial problems that the boy annoys you at this time, such as hair dyeing, fat legs and pants. Through these surfaces, we must discover the boy's inner pursuit of independent personality;
In the words of the boys complaining, understand their positive statements. For example, "Dad, you always don't understand me", does it mean that he actually needs your support and approval? "I hate you!"
Is it an expression that he feels hurt? Does "what kind of girlfriend I'm looking for is none of your business" mean "I need privacy, I need better control over my own life"?
3. Avoid excessive attention
Modern parents often pay too much attention to their children's success, they hire expensive personal trainers for their children, send their children to participate in various special classes and competitions, and desperately push their children into prestigious universities.
Helping children choose graduate school, or even helping children submit resumes, this excessive focus not only limits children to becoming independent people.
And artificially delineate a box for the development of children, limiting the possibility of children's development and children's imagination, and even leading to children's depression and anxiety.
A 2011 University of Tennessee study found that the rate of depression and anxiety among adolescent children from wealthy families was similar to that of juvenile offenders in prison. This should serve as a wake-up call to our overly concerned parents.
4. Hold a coming-of-age ceremony
No matter how much we want our children to avoid making mistakes, or to lift them up when they make mistakes and reinvigorate them, we cannot replace them in feeling sadness, disappointment, and pain.
Without going through detours and mistakes, boys can't recognize what they really want and learn courage and persistence.
What we can do is provide them with the opportunity to grow, receive more mentoring from good adults, and move toward adulthood.
Families can hold small ceremonies at a certain age for a boy to announce that he will become an adult, tell him about adult responsibilities and expectations of him, and discuss problems he may encounter: such as sex, dating problems, drinking alcohol, etc.
Another important part is finding a mentor or mentors for him, such as a sports coach, church leader, uncle, etc.
Mentors are willing to follow his growth, willing to mentor and guide him, challenge him, care about him not making fatal mistakes, and find a few like-minded families to form mentorship groups.
Dads or uncles will regularly take the boys to hike and camp, share their growing experiences, discuss some questions, answer the boys' questions, and each boy will have a man to represent him, defend him, and promote him.
From the age of 14 to adulthood, boys gradually leave the family and aspire to become better and more independent people, and we parents need to look beyond the threshold of college.
Focus on the true meaning of adulthood, seek out for him excellent adults who can mentor and lead him, and give him the space and experience to develop independently.
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