What is a pestering family
Entanglement refers to the lack of differentiation of the self-other. Entangled families are sometimes referred to as chaotic families, characterized by a lack of clear family boundaries between parents and children. The boundaries between them are convergent and blurred. The personality or separation of individual family members is usually not tolerated. In extreme cases, this is similar to emotional incest. An entangled family system is usually passed from previous generations to the next.
What is entanglement
In a typical family, there is a spousal subsystem, a parent subsystem, and a sibling subsystem. These subsystems form a family hierarchy. They are expected to exhibit the following five typical behaviors:
Parents nurture their children more than parents.
Parents have more control over their children than they do.
There are more alliances between parents than their children.
Parents will not ally with their child against another parent.
Spouses and siblings have more relationships in the same generation than they do between different generations.
Entanglement arises when family members deviate from these five patterns of behavior and emotions are so high that each member is unable to make their own decisions.
Psychologists believe that clear boundaries create functional family patterns, while entanglement (scattered boundaries) and disengagement (rigid boundaries) at both ends of the continuum can lead to dysfunctional patterns and family instability.
Entanglement is not the same as cohesion
Family cohesion refers to the degree of intimacy and care between family members. A closely connected family has strong family bonds, including emotional intimacy and support. Close families are associated with higher life satisfaction and lower depressive symptoms.
On the other hand, entangled parenting styles can create dysfunctional relationship patterns that inhibit the psychological differences of individual members. Although there are no boundaries, the level of cohesion in the entangled family is low, and the warmth in the family relationship is moderate. Levels of intimacy often limit and hinder individual autonomy.
In addition, entangled parents show a high degree of hostility and negative emotions. Entangled parents are intrusive and competitive, and their psychological control over their children often leads to unhealthy relationships of interdependence.
Entanglement in the family can also imply strict boundaries with the outside world. Troubled children are forced to maintain their own needs and can only find satisfaction in the family. When they deviate from expectations, they develop a strong sense of guilt and fear of abandonment.
Thus, the family system encompasses both weakly defined boundaries for the entire family and highly rigid boundaries between the family and the outside world.
The cause of the entanglement
Entanglement often coexists with the emotional distance between husband and wife, intrusive over-involvement from parents, and estrangement from one parent.
Parents with long-standing or highly conflicting marital discord can engage in entangled parenting. Often, children are forced to choose between two warring parents. Then, one parent and one child get caught up in an over-engaged alliance that excludes another parent who is less involved. Sometimes, it even develops into parent-child estrangement. Emotionally pulling or coaxing a child into a family issue like this may amplify the impact on a child's sense of security.
Patterns of entanglement have also been found in families where one parent uses severe punishment or physical abuse on the child. Children tend to align with non-abusive parents and form an entangled relationship.
Signs of family entanglement
Entangled parents usually manifest as loving and outstanding parents, while children usually behave well.
Here are some signs and patterns of family entanglement.
"We" is often used to describe feelings, opinions, or emotional experiences.
The lack of psychological boundaries usually manifests as a lack of physical boundaries, for example, a child sitting on the lap of a preferred parent and entangled with them.
Children have developmental difficulties in separating from their parents and going to school.
Because of their attachment to their preferred parent, children are unable to establish peer relationships.
Children cannot function in an independent, age-appropriate manner, such as attending camping or spending the night with their peers.
Children are highly adapted to the needs and dependencies of troubled parents.
Children assume the responsibility of protecting their parents.
Role reversals and unhealthy family dynamics, in which children take on the role of caring for their parents.
The impact of entanglement on children
When the boundaries between parents and children are excessively dispersed, children will have difficulty personalizing properly. Children who are entangled with their parents often feel unable to be separated from them and have low self-esteem. They may be hesitant about their career path and unwilling to risk their health to reach their potential.
When parental conflict leads to entanglement, the child's insecurity is prolonged. These children are at risk of maladaptation, including internalizing and externalizing mental health problems.
Children who expect to take care of their parents may experience role confusion.
Psychosocial and developmental studies have shown that family differentiation also affects many aspects of a child's psychological self-awareness development, including individuality, individuation, and personal identity.
When there is no boundary with family members, children are unable to achieve psychosocial maturity through individualization. Children from low-polarized families tend to have a weaker sense of identity.
When these children face important life transactions (such as college), the threat to emotional identity is obvious.
Going to college is more than just an educational shift. This shift often involves major changes in everyday life, relationships, and educational structures. Young people from these families can have difficulty setting clear personal boundaries.
Troubled children lack independence and have been linked to more mental illnesses, such as anxiety and depression. They tend to have more pain and powerlessness in adult life, as well as less satisfaction in life.
How to heal from the wounds of family entanglement
The lack of healthy relationships in childhood can have a long-term impact on adult children. To recover from traumatic experiences, adult children first need to learn to establish healthy boundaries while maintaining flexible boundaries.
Balanced levels of cohesion and flexibility can lead to healthy families, while unbalanced levels can lead to maladaptive family functioning.
Getting professional help is the best way to deal with entangled trauma. Home remedies, such as home systems therapy, may help reduce family entanglement and border problems in dysfunctional families. Family counseling can help families eliminate dysfunctional behaviors and develop healthier relationships.
Personal therapy can provide you with emotional support and help you build healthy personal boundaries. If you are currently in an abusive relationship, a mental health provider can help you identify entangled family traits and break the cycle of abusive families so that this parenting style does not pass on to your own children. Learning good relationship patterns with the help of a family therapist can lead to healthy, intimate relationships.