Growth and separation are accompanied by this sentence, which I have said many times in the article, and I have given an example of the separation and differentiation of cells from a biological point of view, becoming organs and tissues, and the phenomenon of individuals growing up.
The same is true for the growth of people, a person also needs to be separated from the original family, separated from the parents, for the parents, the growth of the child is that he finally became himself, with a life that alienated him.
For my parents, it is that I watch you go away, you spread your wings and fly high, you have your own world, with your life, I am happy for this, you don't have to worry about me, I also have my own wonderful life.
But from a psychological point of view, for some original families, some parents, the departure of children will make them feel a certain "betrayal", of course, this "betrayal" is in quotation marks, does not involve the moral level of content, we are still discussing today is limited to the scope of psychology.
Especially when it comes to the original family, involving the relationship with the parents, this feeling of "betrayal" will be more intense, for example, a visitor said to me that if he did not listen to his parents, he made his own choices, he felt that he was "betraying" his parents, which made him uneasy, he asked me what the reason is, then today we analyze this problem.
1, why growing up is to "betray" their original family
Because from the perspective of psychoanalytic psychology, for many people, a person's relationship with the original family will become a bondage for his life, and how a person grows up to establish relationships with others and how to do things is closely related to his original family.
For example, the following case in psychological counseling:
Visitor Xiaoning (pseudonym), when he was very young, he was obedient and sensible, from childhood to adulthood, no matter what he did, he listened to his parents' arrangements, in this way, Xiaoning became a good child who understood things in the eyes of his parents, and in the year of graduating from high school, according to his mother's ideas, he went to a local university.
However, in college, he was depressed, he could not adapt to the relationship between classmates, could not study and live normally, so he had to take a break from school, return to his home, return to his parents, from this point of view, he did not have the ability to separate from the original family, and his growth was a failure.
Psychoanalytic psychologists often say that a child's growth begins with a "betrayal" of the original family, such as the child has his own ideas and opinions, makes a different choice from his parents, and becomes himself.
For some parents, they will feel that the child has grown up, this is his own idea, this is a good thing, but for some parents, he will feel that the child is not filial piety, this is "white raising".
But let's imagine that if a child does not have his own opinions from an early age, that is, to listen to others, then what will happen to such a child after he enters society?
He may not be able to adapt to this society, he may suppress himself and become mentally unhealthy, just like Xiao Ning in the above case, he is only in college, he can not study and live normally, if he does not change, then in the future after entering the society, the result will be worse.
2) Live yourself so that you have the ability to love others
Live out yourself so that you have the ability to love others, and I often say this in this column, "100 Lectures on Psychology of Living Yourself.".
This is also the central idea of our column, I often say that a person can not give others what they do not have, you have to love others, give others nourishing love, then your heart must be rich and healthy.
So what kind of people are rich and healthy in their hearts?
People who are allowed to be themselves at a young age, such people whose parents encourage them to be themselves at a very young age, so they don't feel like they're "betraying" their parents when they make different choices than their parents.
For example, a friend of mine, his parents are teachers, parents from a young age to encourage him to develop his hobbies, what major to study in college, which city to go to school, what kind of friends to choose, these will never interfere.
Although they have a child in their family, he and his parents do not live together, he has his own career and life, what about his parents? There is also his own wonderful retirement life, the mother dancing square dance, the father and the old guy practicing calligraphy and chess together, all living a wonderful life.
My friend also dares to love and hate the people around him, dares to reject others, is also very frank when he pays, and does not expect others to return to himself, which is actually what we said, there is no sense of giving, because his heart is rich, and his psychology is healthy.
He also has excellent grades in his work, when making choices, he is crisp and clean, never drags mud and water, hesitates, and when he needs to take responsibility, he is also brave and brave to take responsibility.
These shining points in his personality come from being allowed and encouraged as a child, when his parents allowed him to be himself, to live out himself, and that his parents supported him.
Psychoanalytic psychology believes that if the parents themselves are "weak", then the child does not dare to leave the parents and pursue his own wonderfulness, otherwise he will feel guilty and uneasy, which is very correct.
The friend I mentioned above, his parents have their own lives, and it is very exciting, so my friend can rest assured and bold to pursue his wonderful life. Well, that's what we're talking about today, so let's briefly summarize it.
Growing up is to "betray" your original family and live yourself:
1, from a psychological point of view, a person's relationship with the original family, will affect his life, if this influence is negative, it will tie him, let him go far, can not fly, and we say "betrayal", in fact, is to weaken this impact, so that you can make a person's life easier, more exciting.
2, those children who were too obedient and sensible when they were young, often suppressed their emotions and needs, they are good children in the eyes of their parents, but in society, they will have no opinion, will not choose, it is difficult to adapt to society.
3, so parents when their children are still young, they should encourage and support them to "betray" themselves, allowing them to become themselves, so that they can live their own wonderful lives, rather than eventually becoming like themselves.