All along, the nibbling old people have been a group of people who have been criticized.
Correspondingly, there are many such old people: the children are older, slowly have income, and they begin to find ways to attach themselves to the children.
The most typical thing is that after the children get married and have children, they must live with the children and take the children.
If you don't cling to it, it is considered by the old man: the child has grown up, and the wings are hard! Parents worked hard to raise you, but when it is time to reciprocate, they are so unfilial to us!
We don't mean to blame our parents.
After all, there are also cases where children need parents to help carry their children.
What we want to discuss today is that what is the reason for parents to take the opportunity to control and attach themselves to their children on the grounds of "helping their children with their children"?
First, parents have no self, and children are the focus of life. When parents are no longer needed by their children, they do not know how to continue their lives.
On the day of my husband's wedding, my father-in-law knocked on the side of the side to give birth to a child, saying that the grandchildren of the neighbor Uncle Li's family were in elementary school.
I don't say no, understand the old man. But we will still make our own decisions.
What was even more surprising was that the next morning, the in-laws stopped the breakfast business that had been working for more than ten years, and all the guys and children were pulled back.
Grandma secretly told me: "You are already married, self-reliant, do not need them to work hard to make money, now waiting for you to bring you children!" ”
At that time, I was very incomprehensible: parents have paid a lot for their children, and now that their children have finally started a family, shouldn't they have a good rest? Besides, we don't have a plan for when we'll have a baby!
But half a year later, we did have children.
The old man was ready for everything and had quit his temporary job because my mother-in-law wanted to come to our little house at least a month before I gave birth.
It seemed that they had waited too long, and it was the last moment, and they had to hurry up.
The arrival of the in-laws has made the small home with a construction area of only thirty square meters more cramped.
I felt like my every move was being watched. I no longer have a little bit of privacy except for going to the bathroom.
After the birth of our daughter, we finally broke out. My husband and I had a big fight.
Although neither parent is mentioned, the root cause of the emotional outburst is clear to each other.
The old man seemed to realize something, and my father-in-law said quietly, "If we don't take the children here, what are we going to do when we go home?" After looking forward to so many years, the son has been raised, is it not time to take the grandson? Isn't that our task? ”
Only then did I understand that there are too many old people who are all looking forward to the birth of generation after generation.
Raise your sons and grandchildren to a family. Descendants wrapped around their knees and flourished, it seems to have become their task and long-cherished wish in this life.
Nothing else.
In life, one of the most common words my mother said was: "Isn't it for the sake of children to live?" ”
However, there is no consideration or planning for themselves.
Reality also doesn't allow them to think too much, because they think that "living is for the child", and of course, all the money earned is spent on the child.
Therefore, except for children, in their cognition, they do not need anything, and they can eat and wear warmly.
For their children, they have devoted almost everything of their lives.
When the children start a family, they may no longer need their parents so much.
However, this contrast will make them feel: we have worked hard to raise our children, and now that our children's wings are hardened, they have thrown us down, but they have flown far, what should we do in the future?
It seems that the growth and separation of children all at once "emptied" them.
Therefore, help children take care of children, so that the elderly have to be needed again, and can continue to continue the "motivation to live" - children, as long as they are always with children, can achieve "a long-cherished wish of a lifetime", live, there is motivation.
Second, traditional ideas and concepts: raising children and preventing old age.
In China, since ancient times, we have paid attention to raising children and preventing the elderly, and we must rely on the old and support the old.
There is such a passage in the TV series "Heavenly Path":
Ding Yuanying's father was seriously ill, and he could not bear his father's loss of dignity and painfully lived, so he told his family what he thought: he did not want his father to bear unnecessary pain anymore, and see if there was any way to let his father leave with dignity.
This idea was strongly opposed by my brothers and sisters and mother.
The mother could not accept that her son wanted to "extricate the pipe" for the father, and she said to her son in disappointment: "Yuanying, you can also say such a desperate word as the pipe." Raising children to prevent old age, he fell into such a fate? His own son wants to extubate him and have children, what is the use! ”
Ding Yuanying said to his mother: "Mom, if you raise your children to prevent old age, don't say how great maternal love is." Do you raise it or for yourself, that's an exchange, and you don't have to wait for the price to say it twice! If you meet someone who is so unfilial as me, you will lose money. ”
When the mother heard her son say such a thing, her eyes went black with anger and she almost collapsed on her daughter.
Raising children and preventing old age is a deep-rooted ideology in China.
Many people think that they are the crystallization of the divine love of their parents. But the truth is that they are brought into this world without consent, but after being raised by their parents, they are kept as their own private property, so that they can be attached to their old age in the future.
Such a birth may be just a hoax.
Third, it is not that children are inseparable from their parents, but that parents are inseparable from their children and want to control their children.
From birth, children are regarded by their parents as their own lifelong dependence, regardless of the cost of their children, desperate to give everything, all the hopes and sustenance are placed on the children.
And the consequence of this is: how fierce the initial payment is, how fierce the attachment will be in the future.
Therefore, in life, many parents have no sense of boundaries. Moreover, the majesty and rights of parents have not disappeared because of the adulthood of children, and they still continue their various "control" over their children.
One of my female friends, Little A, was sure to be pregnant soon after her parents offered to help her with the baby.
For Little A, it is better for parents to help with children than in-laws, so they accepted.
Unexpectedly, the mother made Little A tired.
For example, the mother requires that each meal must be eaten at home, and if there are special circumstances that need to be eaten outside, it is necessary to apply with the mother in advance.
Although the place to work is indeed close to home, after all, it is a young person, and a lot of necessary social interaction is unavoidable.
In addition, in the process of helping Little A to bring the child, the mother's control is almost pervasive. She not only controls Little A, but even the care of Little A's children is almost all up to herself.
Even, Little A's desire to let the child sleep with himself at night cannot be realized.
For this reason, Little A's life is full of too many troubles, and the husband and wife have frequent conflicts.
In the final analysis, all entanglement and attachment is because parents and children have not done the homework of separation.
All the love in the world points to reunion, but the love of parents for their children points to separation.
If the separation is not smooth, it will have a lot of adverse effects on both sides.
First, neither parents nor children can become independent subjects.
Second, it affects the married life of the children, and even affects the entire life of the children.
Third, parents and children will always live in a state without self and unable to realize the greater value of life.
So what exactly can be done to help parents and children successfully complete the separation?
For parents, there are two things to think about.
(1) From the husband and wife feelings, the child finally does not have to worry about it, do we have time and energy to accompany each other more?
Mothers, in particular, focus their attention on their children from birth and neglect their partners ever since.
Without communication and exchange, over time, it will affect the feelings of husband and wife, and such things in life are not in the minority.
Life is wonderful, the world is wonderful, do something together that you wanted to do but haven't finished yet, trying to make your marriage as happy as possible.
(2) From the perspective of their own life value, parents should understand that if they continue to worry about their children and grandchildren in the second half of their lives, when is it a head? What is the meaning of your life?
The separation from children also means that they can better develop themselves, create more possibilities, and realize the value of their lives.
For children, we can start from the following two aspects.
(1) Learn to say "no" gently and firmly to your parents as soon as possible. Bai Yi Bai Shun is foolish filial piety, and he must have his own right to speak.
You can start small, stick to your bottom line, and get rid of the control of your parents.
(2) Don't think that as long as you follow your parents' wishes, they will be happy. This will only lead to bigger problems.
For example, my in-laws mentioned above. Objectively speaking, our house is really small enough to accommodate a third person, let alone four or five?
But because my husband was afraid that his parents would not be happy, he accepted their decision, and then there were various problems.
Children must have the ability to distinguish between right and wrong, and not all parental decisions are reasonable. If you are always afraid that your parents will not be happy, then there will be no boundaries to speak of, and it will be impossible to successfully complete the separation.
epilogue
The American psychologist Fromm said: "If you don't make an effort to develop your full personality, then every love effort will fail." ”
Yes, without a sound personality, no matter how hard love is, it will eventually fail.
Because that kind of love is unhealthy, it's deformed.
The love of parents for their children is originally a gradual separation.
The separation of parents and children is the beginning of each other's independent self, the opportunity to develop a sound personality, and also makes each other's life more free and broad.
Thanks for reading. I'm Bubel.
Welcome to pay attention, read and write together, and look for the beauty in life.