Previous articleThe Function of Marriage | What did we mistake about marriage? In Maybe You Should Talk to Someone 24, we discuss the function of marriage and reflect on the challenges it presents. As far as the function of marriage is concerned, the first is that the husband and wife support each other to live a life. But what really matters is the raising of children, and we can even say that without children, marriage itself has no need to exist.
A few years ago, the word "Dink" could be heard, which means that two people are licensed but do not have children. If you think about it, this is actually the most absurd relationship between men and women ever. If you don't want children, why get married? Can two people play how they want to play?
The starting point of monogamous marriage is children, no children, and a paper marriage contract loses its basic function and meaning.
Marriage in reality is always concrete, and raising children has extremely important practical significance and rich connotation for marriage. In this section, let's talk about the role of children between husband and wife. I believe that it will definitely make you enlightened and reflective.
A line can be drawn between two points, but the line cannot be firmly bound to two points. To fix the distance between these two points and the straight line between them, you need to add another point to form a triangle. This is a geometrically stable structure. In other words, the fixation of the position of the two points depends on the existence of the third point. I drew a picture as follows:
In the absence of children, both men and women can extend countless tentacles at the same time. The birth of a child allows men and women to focus on one, that is, the child. Thus, a solid triangular relationship was established. This fits well with our experience, where divorce rates for childless couples are significantly higher than for couples with children. Pushing a step further, the more children there are, the stronger the effect of this cohesion. Generally, couples who have 3 to 5 children are difficult to distinguish in this life. In this sense, milk powder and wet diapers are indeed more reliable than marriage counselors.
Above I also specially drew a triangle of mother-in-law relationship, and you will find that this triangle is a twisted triangle. The mother-in-law and the son are together, and the wife is an outsider. Therefore, there is a tendency in this triangle to exclude and isolate the daughter-in-law. With the existence of this tension, the family is naturally centrifuged and wary of each other. In the same way, if one parent particularly prefers the child, such as the common and particularly intimate mother-child relationship, it is easy to isolate the role of the father, which also makes the family triangle unstable.
Politics is everywhere.
The triangular structure in this figure is worth pondering. However, this is only a model of our understanding of family relationships, and the so-called model is the scaffolding that helps us understand complex things. Neither can it be taken too seriously nor too seriously.
Moving on to the husband-wife-children, this triangle. You will find that if any corner is missing between them, the family structure will be out of balance. Therefore, we call children the ballast stone of the relationship between husband and wife. In fact, the meaning of the child's existence is far more profound than this. To a certain extent, it is the children who set the tone for the relationship between husband and wife, and even point out the direction for the future life of the husband and wife, and kick them into the real world.
Why?
We people live in the world, most likely do not know what we want and do. Many people are walking one step at a time, one foot deep and one foot shallow, walking in a daze.
Walking along, men and women met, very beautiful. But unfortunately, the love between the two people is difficult to help them seriously look forward to the future. The love of men and women, saying that breaking the sky is "come, be happy, enjoy" ah. After all, living in the moment is called enjoyment. You may retort, no, it is precisely because we love each other that we plan the future together. In fact, it is called wishful thinking, which is an unrealistic fantasy, such as the very kitsch "love each other forever" and "to be happy forever"...
Love itself points to the present, but there is no future. Such a combination is fragile. Our past is so different, just the present together, once we encounter serious problems and tests, then because we have different pasts, it is easy to make diametrically opposite responses based on different experiences, and the results are parting ways.
What to do?
A future must be created for the little two, and they must be pulled and constrained.
The birth of the child creates a common vision for the future for the husband and wife, so that the husband and wife have a particularly clear goal and task. This future is so real. In this way, the life between husband and wife is considered complete, with a past, a present, and a future traction.
Although raising children is very hard, children are simply a kind of redemption for the relationship between husband and wife. We all know that husband and wife have to run into each other, but how to run into it? You can't always stay on your lips. Or do you want to jump into the game and cultivate in a common cause. Consult, negotiate, compromise, and finally reach a division of labor and cooperation.
The common cause of raising children is the training ground of their lives. The behavior habits and personality ideas between husband and wife will be forged and integrated in this field.
From this point of view, it is not so much that the husband and wife have children, but rather that the children really create a solid husband and wife relationship, and point out the direction of life and the development of the husband and wife. Further, without the common cause of raising children, the relationship between husband and wife would be shallow and casual.
Unfortunately, most parents do not realize the true meaning of their children to marriage, nor can they understand the homework assigned by their children to the couple. Therefore, they often answer the wrong questions. This is also normal, just like the process of children's growth, is the process of constantly learning how to become a qualified child, and the process of parenthood is also a process of constantly learning how to be a parent. The only flaw is that adults are too arrogant, always feel the truth in hand, blindly confident, and face children with less awe and learning attitude.
It is also on this basis that after I read Mr. Fei Xiaotong's "Birth System", I began to think that the most important thing in marriage is children, and husband and wife are just supporting roles. Lowering the stature is not to deny the relationship between husband and wife, but to recognize the difficulty of maintaining the relationship between husband and wife, the difficulty of creating, marriage is indeed a brave person's career. If you want to enter, it is worth taking seriously and operating with heart.
I remember my young lady telling me that she had never slept lazily after giving birth to two children. It's not that she doesn't want to, it's that she can't sleep, it's that the child makes her realize what life is and how to arrange her life. Such days are very tiring, very boring, very boring, but there are also satisfaction and happiness, and the future direction is very clear, and people's hearts are also stable.
In addition, the cultivation of children is also an important task entrusted by society to couples - to make children a qualified social successor. If marriage is a siege, then the family is a prison for children. The process of growing up is to try to escape from prison again and again.
Therefore, when the child appears, it will naturally bring the power to disrupt the order, just like a beast breaking into the porcelain shop. It's troublesome and a headache. As for what trouble there is and how it is a headache, please see the next breakdown.
Finally, let's reflect on it:
1, the relationship between men and women, when encountering specific things, it seems very unreliable. The reason for this is not because of not loving enough, but because of the limitations of love itself—it is only to point to the present moment, with personal enjoyment and happiness as its purpose. But life is not just about the past and the present, but also about the future. Life without a future is incomplete and difficult to maintain.
Marrying for love is only a brief insanity in human history.
2. The run-in of the relationship between husband and wife, the child is the greatest. The child is like a textbook existence to the parents, and her wow crying is like a reprimand to two young people in love: sober, pragmatic, not numb to feed me, change diapers? In addition, what you quarrel with, your temperament is not important, all of them will collect it for me. Do you still want to live a good life?
It's just a pity that the young couple with a strong heart can't understand the subtle meaning behind the child's uproar.
3. We have a deep understanding of the structure of the family and the function of marriage in order to break common errors and prejudices, but also to judge and think independently.
For example, many people think that they will be happy when they marry love, but the limitations of love itself, as well as the lack of understanding or fantasy about marriage itself, will also make them fall into a lot of inexplicable troubles and troubles.
Well, here we are today!
Ps: Believe me, everything I said is wrong.
Past Articles:
0. The Function of Marriage | What did we mistake about marriage? - "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone 24"
1. "Weekend Recommendation | "Wang Dingjun's Memoirs Quadrilogy"
2, "The Situation of Ancient Western Wives - "Maybe You Should Find Someone to Talk To 23""
3. "How to settle myself in the noisy and chaotic information?" - "The Café at the End of the World"
4. "Literature and Art | In the world of poetry, settle our emotions – "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone 22"
5. "Impermanence| How the situation of Chinese women in history has deteriorated step by step - "Maybe you should find someone to talk about 21"
6, "Moral Kidnapping and Smear of Women - Maybe You Should Talk to Someone 20"
7. "I Came from Loneliness - December Summary [2021]"
8. "Self-defense with courtesy| Someone is insulting! - "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone 19"
9. "Slackness | Please go back to the life of the gray flutter - "Maybe you should talk to someone about 18"