Tuanzi's mother often saw such a scene on the Internet, a two- or three-year-old child was lying on the floor of the mall crying, while his parents stood calmly and watched, without taking any means or methods.
When asked why, many parents said that they could not get used to their children, they should learn to use the delayed gratification method, and they could not meet his unreasonable requirements because he was crying in public and his parents felt that they could not pull down their faces.
We will often hear such examples, whenever the child wants some small toys or snacks, some parents will say to the child, "I have eaten in the first two days, as long as I can wait for two more days, my mother will buy it for you." ”
That's not how "delayed gratification" is used
This seems to be a delay in gratification, but in fact, in such a process, a lot of deliberateness is injected.
It is important for your child to learn to delay gratification, but it is absolutely impossible to let the child wait without considering the age characteristics of the child or the size of the matter.
Because of the deliberate delay in gratification, not only does it not improve the self-control ability of cultivating children, but also easily hurts the hearts of children.
Parenting experts say: "Deliberate delays may reduce a child's trust in their parents. Reduce the emotional needs of children for their parents, thereby diluting their parent-child relationship. ”
In fact, children do not have any consideration for the future, they all want to get what they want immediately.
Therefore, parents implement deliberate delayed gratification for their children, and children often think of these "wait" as "why didn't Mom and Dad buy it for me?" Do they not love me? ”
Psychological research has shown that children who are not satisfied in time as children will easily be unable to control their inner desires and become out of control in some things.
What is true delayed gratification?
The kernel of delayed gratification is "satisfying"
I believe that every child will have such an experience when they are young, that is, if they want something, their parents will put forward conditions to themselves.
For example, if you want a new pair of shoes, your parents say that they will only buy them for you if you get good results in the exams;
However, when they achieved good results, their parents did not believe what they said, thinking that buying new shoes was useless. Later, most children will not mention this matter again, but after decades, these small things will always be buried in their hearts and take root.
Delayed gratification is characterized by consensual, not forced acceptance
Truly effective delayed gratification should enable the child to understand the whole picture of the matter, analyze the pros and cons, and actively be willing to extend the waiting time.
No matter how the child chooses, he should be allowed to make his own choices, rather than forcing our children as parents to accept their own wishes.
While delaying the satisfaction of children is something we think about our children's future, it is not an excuse to further control them.
Experts suggest: try to meet the needs of children before the age of two, and gradually implement delayed gratification after the age of two.
Why try to meet your child's needs before the age of two? Because children before the age of two have not yet established their own sense of security, they cannot understand the delay and benefits of satisfaction that their parents think, and children of this age can only gain a sense of security if they are satisfied in time.
If at such a young age, the child is delayed in satisfaction, which will lead to the lack of a sense of security in the child.
The child is generally trusting enough to trust his parents and will not worry about his parents lying to him.
So whenever a child makes a request to his parents, he must do so if he or she agrees. If you don't believe what you say every time, then the child will not make any more demands with the parents. There will be no loss of security, and the parent-child relationship with parents will deteriorate.
If you can't meet your child's requirements in time, you must also give your child a timely response
Although parents should meet some of the children's requirements in time, they cannot listen to the children's unreasonable requirements. You can't buy your child what he wants. This also violates our original intention of delaying gratification.
The real delayed gratification is to be able to make the child not afraid of trouble, not afraid of waiting.
Therefore, if the child puts forward unmet requirements to the parents, then the parents should also explain to the child why they have no way to meet his requirements, and they must treat the child as their own friends, and the two sides should sincerely communicate and understand.
At the same time, parents should give their children a variety of choices. For example, when children want toys, parents can provide children with a variety of choices, with other things instead of toys, which can improve children's attention to toys, so that children can learn to wait.
All in all, if the child is not satisfied in time by various restrictions from a young age, a lot of insecurity and loss have accumulated in the heart, but it will make the child more likely to lose control when he grows up.
【Today's topic】Did you grow up with the experience of being delayed in gratification?