In the 1960s, a team led by American psychologist Walter Mishel conducted the famous "Marshmallow Experiment" at a kindergarten affiliated with Stanford.
They selected a total of 32 children, ranging in age from three to over five. Each child was placed in a separate room with only a table on which was placed a marshmallow. Before the experiment began, the researchers told the children that the experimenter needed to go out for a while (about 15 minutes), and if the children could wait until the experimenter returned, they could get an extra marshmallow. If the child can't help but eat the marshmallow in front of him, he won't get an extra reward.
After the experimenters went out, the children's performance varied: some children could not wait for the adults to close the door and could not wait to enjoy the food; Some children resisted for a while, and they really could not withstand the temptation to eat; Some children distract themselves by blindfolding, singing, kicking the table, etc. At the end of the experiment, most of the children could not resist the smell of marshmallows and chose to enjoy the food, and only about twenty percent of the children persisted to the end and received an extra reward.
Later, the experimenters followed the participants in the experiment, and they found that the children who persisted in the experiment until the end of the experiment grew up to be slimmer, more adaptable to society, better performed in academic achievement, and had better cognitive ability. From this experiment, the researchers discovered an important ability that successful people need to have - the ability to delay gratification.
After the results of the study were published, it caused quite a stir, the experiment seems to tell people how to predict the future of their children, and many parents have begun to pay attention to cultivating their children's delayed gratification ability.
However, in the process of practice, some problems have arisen.
Many parents have misread the concept of delayed gratification, and they believe that delaying the satisfaction of children's requirements can cultivate this ability, so there will be some strange practices:
If the child cries, don't hug it immediately, let them cry for a while and then hold it; The child wants a certain toy, obviously he can buy it at that time, but he has to buy it after a while; Children want to watch TV, and parents have to make them wait and watch again.
On the surface, these practices do delay the satisfaction of the child, but they do not seem to have brought any benefit other than increasing the child's waiting time. Some children will also feel confused and angry about this, thinking that adults are deliberately embarrassing them.
We can understand the ability to delay gratification as the ability to withstand temptation, and people with this ability can distinguish the weight of things, can recognize the benefits of delayed gratification, have greater self-control and regulation, and have a greater likelihood of success.
Parents should pay attention to several important points when cultivating their children's ability to delay gratification:
1. Delayed gratification is premised on the child being fully satisfied.
Especially before the child is two years old, their needs are real, hungry need to have food immediately, sleepy need to sleep immediately, afraid of the need for adults to soothe in time. Their needs are fully met, and they can build a full sense of security and trust in adults and the environment as a whole. A child who is not fully satisfied is suspicious of the world, insecure, and he will want to grasp everything in front of him firmly, because he is not sure whether the next moment this thing will still belong to him. Therefore, if he is involved in the marshmallow experiment, there is a high probability that he will not be able to last to the end.
2. Let the child understand that his waiting is meaningful.
If the child wants a toy, the adult tells him that he will buy it for him in a few days, and the child cannot understand and is not willing to wait. If the adult tells him that he can buy him an extra one after a while, the child is more likely to be willing to wait. Otherwise, it just prolongs the time for the child to get the toy, so that the child waits for nothing, so there is no point. When a child understands that temporarily restraining his desires will bring greater benefits to him, he will have the motivation to do it. Just like a child doesn't watch TV in order to do his homework, it's because he knows that learning is more important and that it's valuable to do so.
3. Give your child the opportunity to make decisions, so that he can feel a sense of control over himself.
It is undeniable that even if the child recognizes the meaning of delayed gratification, sometimes he still cannot resist the temptation. They think the TV of the day is too good, and they would rather risk being criticized by the teacher for not completing their homework and watching TV first; They want the toy in front of them so much that they'd rather have one less toy and buy it right away. At this time, if the parents force them to delay gratification, the effect is often not good. Because it is not a choice that the child himself has made voluntarily after thinking, it is difficult to internalize. Neuroscience studies have shown that passivity activates the angry emotional system, which in turn interferes with self-control and prevents children from showing the ability to delay gratification. Therefore, parents must not control their children or make choices on behalf of their children, but encourage their children to make their own decisions.
Any experiment and theory is not omnipotent, we can only learn from, can not superstitious authority, let alone misread. The purpose of scientific research is to bring useful help and inspiration to mankind, and we must not be biased.
This article is original by "Guo Lifang Psychological Studio", welcome to pay attention to, like, comment, the article is not reprinted.