Mentioning these and such needs to parents from time to time is the standard for human cubs:
"Mom, I want to eat/buy/play this"
"Mom, I want to hug"
"Mom, I want to..."
First reaction: pain in the brain shell.
Second reaction: Or is it time to delay gratification?
Not to mention, there is more than one parent who thinks like this, so is delayed gratification really worth pursuing?
Perhaps, not really.
1. What is delayed gratification?
Origins: In the 1960s and 1970s, Stanford University did a famous children's experiment - the marshmallow experiment.
Participants: More than 600 children aged 3-6 years.
How it worked: The researchers took the children into a room with only marshmallows and a little furniture, and told them that when they returned (about 15 minutes later), the children who did not eat the marshmallows would receive double portions, and there was no additional reward for eating them.
Experimental results: Only 20% of children received double portions.
Purpose of the experiment: According to the secular view, these children are "more successful" in adulthood - that is, the stronger the ability to delay gratification, the easier it is to succeed.
2. Why is delayed gratification obsolete?
After crossing the ocean, delayed gratification was once regarded as a parenting classic + the secret of children's future success.
However, the researchers overlooked one point: the baby's self-control is already relatively poor, so the focus of delayed gratification is not blind delay, but how the baby weighs the pros and cons and how to choose.
Therefore, after standing on the altar for decades, the harm of "delayed gratification", which only focuses on delay, has gradually been exposed:
1, so that the baby is insecure, it is not easy to establish trust, intimate relationships with people when they grow up, and even affect interpersonal communication.
2, let the baby have serious separation anxiety, it is difficult to establish a healthy intimate relationship with the parents, and even generate doubts about their own abandonment.
3, let the baby form the habit of procrastination, mistakenly think that delay is equivalent to procrastination, and will only make parents "angry to the liver" in the future.
4. Affecting the formation of the baby's self-awareness, it will produce bad emotions of self-denial.
5, the baby put forward the needs - parents ask to wait - the baby emotional collapse - parents feel that the baby's self-control is too poor and need to be cultivated... Well, under the dead cycle, the baby's mood will be more unstable and impatient.
6, because of the long-term unsatisfied, in the face of temptation, the baby is more calm, short-sighted.
Before 3 or 3 years old, please meet in time
Think about the chicken baby again, before the baby is 3 years old, parents please bear with it:
1, 0-3 years old, is the baby's sense of security to establish the key time, in principle, as far as possible unconditional support, so that the baby will have enough sense of security.
2, 0-3 years old, the baby's language ability, self-awareness is not perfect, especially before the age of 1, very attached to parents, delayed training effect will be very poor, half the work.
3, 0-3 years old baby, mainly physiological needs and seek comfort, such as eating, sleeping and playing to hug, etc., blindly delayed gratification, but will bring psychological trauma to the baby, the younger the age, the more serious the trauma.
4, as for the self-control that parents care about, it will increase significantly with age, and there is no need to worry.
After 4 or 3 years old, how to do delayed gratification training?
So, can you let go after the age of 3 to delay gratification? First of all, we must divide the baby's situation:
Introverted, sensitive, sensible, timid, well-behaved babies are more likely to complete delayed gratification.
Outgoing, lively, bold babies are more difficult, parents may wish to wait.
Then, the "main points" of delayed training also keep in mind:
1, not all needs are suitable for delayed gratification, the baby's physiological needs such as hungry thirst cold hot, etc., no matter how old to meet in time
2, first create an atmosphere full of trust for the baby, that is, basically meet in time before the age of 3, let him know that parents can be trusted.
3, in a way that the baby can understand, and he analyzes the pros and cons of delay, and at the same time work with the baby to formulate principles that are in line with their own actual situation, otherwise the baby will protest.
4, the decision to the baby, while the expectations should not be too high, because many babies are not willing to delay the satisfaction at the beginning, parents need a little more patience and tolerance, rather than blindly accusing, angry or even punishing.
5, the delay time should not be too long, half an hour to an hour is better, because the focus of training is not how long to endure, but how to make a choice after the baby weighs the pros and cons.
6, usually meet the needs of the baby, so that the baby has a sense of security.
7, once the baby completes the delayed gratification, to cash in time for the reward, can not break the word Oh.
Isn't delayed gratification much more elaborate than you think? I also wish that parents can scientifically and reasonably delay the satisfaction.