Yesterday, my 2-year-old daughter said to me, "Mom, I want to eat sugar", I was afraid that eating sugar would be bad for the child's teeth, and I also remembered that the more children who can delay gratification, the easier it will be to succeed in the future, so I refused her request.
I said "Baby, eating sugar is not good for your teeth and can't give it to you", in fact there is a lot of sugar in the house, I am hiding it.
My daughter didn't dry up and began to cry, as if she wouldn't stop eating the sugar, and then I really saw her crying sadly, gave her one, and she instantly broke into laughter.
Seeing her smile, I wondered why I had to deliberately torture the child if I could satisfy the child. Such delayed gratification is like abuse.
Later, I saw psychologist Li Xue say that in fact, the delayed gratification that everyone advocates is wrong, not only can not train the child's ability to delay gratification, on the contrary, it will make the child fall into the fear of "not getting".
True delayed gratification should be based on timely response and gratification.
Seeing this, I suddenly realized, yes, I have been used to what I want since I was a child, and I have not seen my poor endurance; on the contrary, I know how to cherish and trust my parents more.
Delayed gratification that has been misunderstood
The delayed gratification that has been emulated by everyone comes from a "marshmallow" experiment.
In 1968, psychologist Walter Michel presided over the famous "Marshmallow Experiment", the youngest was more than 3 years old, the oldest was more than 5 years old, a total of 32 children.
After the experiment began, each child was given a marshmallow and was told that if they could wait until 15 minutes later, they would get a second marshmallow; some children could not wait and ate it immediately, and some children waited until the second.
Of course, the sample of this experiment has been expanding, and more than 600 people have participated.
After 18 years, they found that the children who could bear not to eat marshmallows at that time grew up to perform better, and at this point, they came to the conclusion that the children's delayed gratification needs were trained, and the children who were trained had stronger endurance.
There is nothing wrong with this experiment, but what is wrong is that many parents do not see the real problem.
Children are voluntary, and they are told that they can get a second piece if they don't eat it, so the child can make his own decisions, not forced ones.
But in real life, many children are forced to "delay gratification".
That's the real reason.
Being forced to "delay gratification" can distort a child's mind
I believe that nursing mothers will have such a feeling, when the child is hungry, you grind and rub, you have to wait until the child is crying very badly before giving it to him, he is bound to be aggressive, desperately biting the nipple until he eats it.
This is the consequence of deliberately training to delay gratification, which can cause children to fall into the fear of "not getting".
And the child who can drink milk in time, he must be very at ease to drink milk, even if he waits once or twice once or twice, he can wait, because he trusts you, he knows that he will eventually be satisfied.
What is missing is desperate to desire something, and when a child trains from an early age in an unsatisfied state, once he has obtained what he dreams of, he will be consumed urgently.
Because he is afraid of losing, he will consume it in time to find that pitiful sense of security.
Therefore, if there is obviously one, but deliberately do not satisfy the child, such a delayed satisfaction is bound to distort the child's mind.
Either become a bottomless pit of dissatisfaction or become a repressed old good person.
The premise of delayed gratification is the child's sense of security
You will find that only those children who are full of heart can stand the wait and are willing to discuss.
Only children who have not been received are afraid of losing, afraid of not being satisfied, and the key reason is their sense of security.
When the child puts forward the need, the parents can respond and meet in time, which is to give the child a sense of security, such as eating sugar, the family has to give, if you are afraid of bad teeth, communicate well on the line, rather than saying that there is no room for negotiation, directly reject the child's request.
When you fall into deliberate training, it is actually a process of depriving children of a sense of security, ostensibly he is expressing needs, but in fact, he is gaining a sense of security.
For example, why everyone will squeeze desperately on the bus, afraid that there is no place, and when taking the plane, it is not hurried or slow, because the plane position is fixed, no one can take it, and the bus can't.
I know that sooner or later I will be satisfied, naturally I can stand the waiting, this is an active choice; I don't want to wait, and my parents have to wait, this is forced.
Some people may wonder, isn't this equivalent to meeting all the requirements of the child? What about what you can't do yourself?
No, timely response and satisfaction does not mean that everything is satisfied, but that what he can do is given to the child, and after he has a sufficient sense of security, you can't tell the child generously, he will naturally say "Well, if there is no one, forget it."
If infants are responded to and satisfied in a timely manner, children who are usually less than two years old are already able to wait with peace of mind for the necessary process, know exactly what they want and what they don't want, and have a peaceful and negotiable attitude.
So the real ability to delay gratification is to cultivate their ability to delay gratification by discussing it well with the child, rather than by consistently rejecting the child's request.
In the end, greed is not the nature of the child, but because too many needs have been denied, judged, deliberately delayed, and accumulated over a long period of time, finally making him an unreasonable and demanding person.
Therefore, do not use appearances to educate children.
I believe that every parent is looking forward to Jackie Chan, looking forward to the female chengfeng, at the end of the article for all parents to share a good book, don't miss it!
Take the words of the world-famous physicist Yang Zhenning:
If you want your child to learn mathematics well, the first step is to first understand the basic concepts of mathematics; secondly, the origin of its basic concepts, which requires parents to accompany their children to read more mathematical books and play some mathematical games in the process of tutoring their children's mathematical problems.
However, climbing the pinnacle of mathematics is not an easy task. Yang Zhenning, a world-famous physicist, said: "I also think mathematics is very boring, but when I saw Liu Xuanyu's math book, I was very surprised. Can you still learn math like this? ”
Yang Zhenning was the greatest physicist after Newton and Einstein. The math teacher he can recognize, Liu Xuanyu, can't be wrong.
Who is Liu Xuanyu?
Compared with mathematicians such as Hua Luogeng and Chen Jingrun, Liu Xuanyu is not well-known, because his energy is mainly in mathematics teaching and the preparation of primary and secondary school textbooks.
Liu Xuanyu wrote many mathematical books in his lifetime, the most famous of which are these three:
The first book is "Mr. Ma Talks About Mathematics", which mainly talks about how to use the graphical method to solve some of the four problems of arithmetic
The second book is "Mathematical Fun", which mainly talks about the mathematical problems encountered in daily life, we say that all things are mathematics, and learning mathematics through all things is the fastest.
The third book is The Garden of Mathematics, which is a bit more difficult, and it talks about the concepts of functions, continuums, induced functions, differentiation, integrals, and sums, as well as the basic principles of their operations. Although it is a little deep, the method of explanation is very good, and the sixth grade baby can still understand part of the content.
At the same time, take this book to the child, usually the child also tutors mathematics, sometimes feel that going to cram school is a bit boring. But when the child read this book, he found it very interesting, and he could also apply what he learned in the cram school.
I didn't feel tired after watching it for an hour! Parents: It's a rare good book!
For this set of classic mathematical science books compiled by Mr. Liu Xuanyu, parents also gave a high evaluation, parents said that "this series of books in general has a kind of follow-through temptation, from shallow to deep feeling, the language is particularly convincing"
It can be said that after reading this set of books, there is no need to worry about mathematics in elementary and junior high schools.
This set of classic mathematics series, the biggest benefit is to stimulate students' hidden enthusiasm and desire to learn, so that students love to learn mathematics, many parents said that "Mathematics Three Books" is a rare good book, can not be missed!