Want to develop self-discipline in your child? Please let your sense of security "land"

At the parent-teacher conference after the exam, I guess there are many worried parents who complain to the teachers about their children: "Too undisciplined!" ”

For example, he can't sit still and write his homework, and he is always twisting and turning around during class. Let him read a book, and after a while he will lose his mind, look around, unable to concentrate...

In the eyes of parents, these situations are all manifestations of "lack of self-discipline", and it seems that no matter how to persuade them, it is useless. Of course, parents will also look for ways to try to cultivate their children's self-discipline.

What is self-discipline?

It is said that the word "self-discipline" comes out of "Zuo Biao", which refers to being able to demand themselves without on-site supervision, turning passive into active, consciously following the rules and laws, and restraining their words and deeds. Obviously, this is one of the socialized manifestations of behavior. In other words, it is not an instinct of human behavior, and the cultivation of self-discipline must have a process and specific conditions.

For children, the cultivation of "self-discipline" is obviously not simply to improve learning efficiency in the future, and the child's self-discipline is to evaluate their ability to socialize when they are fully involved in specific situational events. And the child's "full commitment" needs a situation that he can predict and control, in order to achieve it.

An "predictable, controllable" environment is usually roughly equivalent to the "sense of security" that psychology often refers to.

The stability of the parenter and the long-term rhythm of life gives the child peace of mind

There are many children's parenting books that introduce "security", emphasizing its importance, and often ignoring the "landing" measures to cultivate security.

For example, emphasizing the attachment relationship between mother and baby is the core of security building, but how can mother and baby interact with each other, or between nurturers and babies, to better build security?

When we look at "good parenting," we probably have the following factors:

The primary caregiver should be stable Mother or other nurturer (such as the elderly in the family), we recommend trying to be as stable as possible. We found that in some families, grandparents and maternal grandparents frequently alternated to raise their babies, and babies tended to be more likely to show difficulty appeasing.

We can use the analogy of the adult experience: everyone "comes with their own rhythm.". Living habits are different, the rhythm is different, if adults frequently use "different ways" to live, it will inevitably cause discomfort in the parties. And similar discomfort, in the baby's place, often brings him feelings of confusion. Babies need to spend a lot of energy to adapt to the changes brought about by frequent changes in caregivers, and this instability is not conducive to building a basic sense of security for babies.

Stability of the rhythm of daily life This is easy to ignore. There are always many new parents who want to take their children to "go out to see the world", such as especially like to take their babies on frequent trips, and arrange dazzling outings for young children every weekend... In other words, even if the parent is stable, the chaotic pace of daily life cannot create a sense of stability for the child, and long-distance travel is only an "extreme" and typical manifestation.

Usually, for babies under 3 years old, infants and young children are difficult to distinguish and understand the differences in time and space, and the novelty of travel is probably limited to adults to experience, and what is left for babies is only the pressure and anxiety brought about by continuous adaptation. Infants and young children will originally "amplify" many sensory experiences, for example, infants and young children are very sensitive to a series of stimuli such as sound and light, and babies will even be scared to cry by a fart they put. This also explains why some parents feel that it is not easy to take their very young children out to play. After frequent trips, even when babies return to their familiar homes, they may show more difficulty in placating themselves than before.

The state of excessive arbitrariness continues into the school age, and the child is susceptible to interference

It is precisely the stability of the nurturer and the stability of the rhythm of daily life that brings the intuitive feeling of "predictability" to the baby. Through "Mother and Baby Observation", we see that living in a stable state, eating breakfast every morning, when the mother begins to wear a coat, the baby will show abnormal excitement, and he intuitively knows that soon my mother will take me out to play. This initial prejudgment and "sense of control" of life is the prototype of a sense of security, and it is precisely this type of core feeling that develops the ability of children to delay their satisfaction in the future: I can predict it, I can wait at this moment, and the future will happen according to my judgment.

Therefore, stabilizing the maintenance and long-term stable pace of life is a "landing" measure to cultivate a sense of security. On the contrary, if the baby's daily activities and rest time are uncertain and unstable, then it is naturally difficult for him to establish a "predictable" intuitive feeling.

This point is also reflected in the "Maternal and Infant Observation": if the mother often does not observe the needs of the child, let her own life and work needs, breastfeeding when it is convenient to breastfeed, and suddenly have the utmost to take the child to play and go out, the child will often show mental malaise, sleep unsteadily, and have difficulty eating. When the child is older, there may be other difficulties, such as playing games in kindergarten, absent-mindedness when listening to stories, easy to be disturbed by other things, and unable to devote themselves to it.

When a state like this continues into the school age, it causes anxiety among parents, when parents may say: My child is not self-disciplined enough.

Therefore, before entering kindergarten, please try to provide children with stable caregivers and a stable pace of life.

A steady sense of regularity helps to schedule your time autonomously

Stable sense of rules If all of the above can be done, then also pay attention to a stable sense of rules. Children raised in situations with unstable rules are more difficult to educate when they grow up, and they can't listen to anything, and the more they grow up, the more "difficult it is" to manage.

Stable rules are like traffic lights, and once established, they should not be changed overnight. The reason is very simple, none of us want to go out one day, suddenly find that the rules of traffic lights have completely changed; and after a few days, it has changed back to red light stops, green light lines...

In the same way, when parents and children make an agreement, no matter how big or small, the establishment of rules should be cautious, and once the rules are established, they need to be firmly implemented under the maintenance of parents. Sometimes in the situation of multiple parenting, the rules are also unstable, such as the father has the father's rules, the mother has the mother's rules, and the grandparents have their own standards...

Not only that, in addition to the love of multiple people raising, even if the parent is stable, the rule is not uncommon. For example, if the child is playing in the playground, the parents suddenly tell the child "We are going home" if they do not set it, and the child is often nostalgic and extremely reluctant. In this case, some parents will forcibly take their children away, and some parents, although they "can't" the child's interest and allow the child to continue to play, but after waiting for a while, they eventually force their children to leave the scene because they can't stand it. Similar treatment, whether it is the "decisiveness" of "words must be done" or "the fierce action after intolerable", is mostly determined by the mood of parents. If a similar situation becomes the norm, the child will have difficulty concentrating in the process of engaging in the game, he will worry that he will be taken away at any time, and the game activity becomes neither expected nor controllable.

Let's take game time as an example to talk about the establishment of rules. Parents can inform their children 5 minutes in advance during the game, and there are 5 minutes to leave, ready; when the time comes, they will firmly take their children out of the field. For smaller children, we may also need to tell our child that there are still a few minutes left. Because smaller children do not have an exact sense of time, what adults call 5 minutes has no concept in their inner feelings.

Paying attention to such details is helping children to gradually clarify the feelings of time. Establishing rules with such prompts and help makes it easier for children to devote themselves to play with all their heart, and to effectively arrange learning and playing time when he enters the school age later.

In short, in a stable living environment, in a clearer rules and rhythm to establish a basic sense of security, in order to let children in the future fully into life and learning. So self-discipline is a natural ability, not the result of scolding or lessons.

(China Youth Daily, Xue Chang)