Author | Wooden man
A few days ago, there was a Weibo hot search # After watching the female psychologist my mother apologized #, after reading the heart for a long time can not be calm.
The reason is that a netizen posted that he had good grades since he was a child, and he began to live in junior high school, and he also lived in high school, but he didn't want to say anything to his parents.
Just after lunch, his mother suddenly apologized to him, saying that he should not be so young to send him to boarding.
Mom said that after watching the female psychologist, she felt that she had done a lot wrong and couldn't stand him.
Although he told his mother that he did not care, he silently cried during his nap.
It turned out that I had been expecting an apology from my parents.
Netizens have told their "heart knots":
Parents are obviously the closest people to the child, why do children dare not tell their parents when things happen, and they are not willing to get close to their parents?
There is a line in the play: "All the misfortunes in the world come from each other's concerns." ”
Parents in the world love their children, but if love is used in the wrong way, the more you love, the more you push your child farther and farther.
01
Parents have more control and less freedom for children
In "Female Psychologist", Jiang Jing, played by Li Meng, is very distressing.
Jiang Jing likes to overeat, after eating crazy to vomit, see the doctor to take medicine, the situation has not changed, it turns out that everything is a psychological problem, because the mother's tight control around.
Jiang Jing began to play the piano at the age of 5, practicing for 10 hours a day, no weekends and holidays, once the wrong play, the mother will "start over" over and over again, when she collapsed and quarreled with it, her mother showed that it was all for her own good, hoping that she would have a future appearance.
Control always appears in the face of "good for you", but in fact strives to make the child look what he expects.
Jiang Jing used to wear a white dress, comb a high ponytail, and keep bangs, because her mother liked it;
Clothes should be conservative, and when going out, they should be reported, which is also the mother's expectation.
As the child grows older, the mother's control spreads all the way, and the mother-daughter struggle becomes more intense.
When her mother confiscated Jiang Jing's mobile phone and locked her in the house, a desperate Jiang Jing frantically smashed things, picked up ceramic fragments and tried to harm herself.
Jiang Jing shouted, "I'm Chinese New Year's Eve today, I don't want to live like what you want me to be, I don't want to live like this." ”
Parents' desire for control gradually swallows up children's self-confidence and self-esteem, and children are increasingly lost in the way they want to go.
The ubiquitous control of parents allows children to have no freedom and step by step into a desperate situation where there is no way to escape.
The child's true vitality is suppressed little by little, and there will inevitably be problems in the mind and body.
02
Parents deny more, and they definitely have less to their children
I watched a video and was very touched.
When I was a child, parents saw that their children had not finished their homework, and they opened their mouths: "What can you do before you finish writing?" Just know how to eat! ”
The child weakly replied, "I have finished writing today, and I will prepare for tomorrow." ”
When he grew up, he would party and sing, and his friends encouraged him: "Don't you love to sing?" You try it, you can do it."
He scratched his head, smiled and embarrassedly refused: "I won't try, I can't." ”
Friends said, "They all say you sing well, why can't you?" ”
He insisted on shaking his head: "No, no, I really can't." ”
He was smiling on the screen, but who knows how much bitterness was hidden in this smile.
When you take the first place, or do something, full of joy, this time, your parents say: "There is nothing to be happy about, if you do it next time." ”
Because they are afraid of your pride, they deny you.
The denial in the mouth of the parents may be more considered and higher expectations in the heart, but the child will only believe what the parents say.
Over time, children living in the shadow of parental denial have low self-esteem and self-confidence.
More seriously, it is easy to be pessimistic after being denied for a long time.
The matter has not yet begun, the heart has been defeated, the victory or defeat has not yet been clear, and the bad ending has been conceived in the heart.
The sound of parental negation is like a big stone pressing on the child's heart. Can't see the future, and can't become a better version of yourself.
Psychologists say that the deepest desire of human beings is to gain the appreciation of others.
All things seek advantage and avoid harm. The denial of parents will only force the child to get farther and farther away, and with more affirmation, the child is willing to approach us.
03
Parents ignore more and see less of their children
A primary school student wrote an essay "My life is like a plant raised at home", accusing himself of being like a pot of plants, ignored and perfunctory by his mother.
Looking at the roots of the pot of flowers at home full of bugs, I couldn't help but think: Is it not until my roots rot that my mother will find that she has a problem?
Neglect is like a chronic poison, the surface is not hurt, but the inside has long been full of holes.
You think you know a child very well, because you watched him grow up, but you don't know anything about what he thinks;
You think that while you swipe your mobile phone and urge him to write homework, it is companionship, but you don't know that it is ineffective companionship:
You think that there is no point in chatting with your child, but this is the best bridge for you to the child's heart;
Busy work life, let us accustomed to ignoring and perfunctory children, do not know, there is no communication and connection, parent-child relationship will inevitably gradually drift apart.
"Seeing is healing", not seeing is the greatest harm to the child, that means not being loved, not being paid attention to, so the child will feel superfluous and feel inferior.
Psychoanalysis says, "A place where there is no response is a hopeless situation." ”
Desperate situations are frightening and then avoided.
Children who do not receive the attention and sight of their parents are first cold in their hearts, and then drift away from us.
04
In fact, children don't want much.
Don't want to push the child farther and farther away, do not want to hurt the child unconsciously, please pay attention to these points:
First, communicate with your children regularly and try to give your children as much encouragement and love as possible
In "Goodbye Lover", Yang Di said that his family belongs to the joyful type, and his parents encourage his education mostly.
At the beginning of Yang Di's debut, his development was not smooth, and he had his award ceremony canceled because of his appearance restrictions. When his mother learned the truth, she still encouraged him: "You are actually very good. ”
Finally, Yang Di, who has no background, has been wandering in the entertainment industry for many years, with his warm and optimistic personality, hard work and persistence, ushered in the peak of his career, and also had the touching scene of "kneeling to thank his parents".
His success is inseparable from the warm care of his family, as well as the unconditional love, continuous attention and trust of his parents.
Second, avoid emotional violence
We who claim to love our children the most, why should we poke our children in the heart?
The son and the father quarreled, the father smashed the child's beloved model in a rage, and the next day, the father told the son that if the son dared to resist, he would continue to smash and destroy all the things that the son loved.
The results of the child's time, energy and enthusiasm are destroyed by the father's own hands. It is not only the toy model that is broken, but also the rift in the parent-child relationship.
Perhaps at that time, in the face of the emotional violence of his parents, the child was soft-spoken and powerless, but his heart began to deliberately alienate his parents and keep a distance from us.
Every hurt makes the child deeply doubt the love of the parents, and behind every doubt, the child will consciously step back an inch.
There is a south wind effect in psychology, which tells us that warmth is lovely, and cold makes people flee. Family emotional violence will only push the child farther and farther away, and warm care can retain the child's heart.
Third, if the parents really do wrong, they may wish to apologize to the child
Parents are also first-time parents, it is inevitable to make mistakes clumsily, care is chaotic, or wronged children, or hurt children.
Hurt is inevitably unpleasant, but parents dare to put down their authority to apologize to their children, which is also a warm wisdom.
Maybe you have hurt your child, but turning your mind to realize the problem and saying "I'm sorry" to your child frankly is also a manifestation of love.
Don't let your child wait for the "I'm sorry" all their lives.
"Why Home Hurts" said that the only thing that can really create a sense of security is love, home is a harbor, and love is a way out.
Let the family emotional violence be less, and the children be warm and cared for a little more, so that the children can be warm as light and always connect hearts to each other.
May parents and children always have love, and the more they love, the more they love, the closer they are.
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Author: Wooden man, a small homeowner. Some of the pictures are from the Internet, and the copyright belongs to the original author.