Phoenix Reading Plan Healing
Feel life and grow together
I have been doing marriage and family counseling for so many years, and I have found that what clients really care about is whether their partners can understand themselves and empathize with themselves when they are in pain, vulnerability, or pressure.
Empathy is the ability to put oneself in the shoes of others and experience the situation of others, so as to feel and understand the emotions of others. With people who have empathy, you will feel like a spring breeze. Having an empathetic lover, you will feel so loved.
How desperate would it be to meet a partner who didn't understand empathy?
I have heard a lot of this despair from visitors.
For example, a woman's caesarean section produced a child, and the knife edge did not grow well during the month. At night, the child is hungry and crying, and you wake up your husband to ask him to help, and he scolds you impatiently: "You are so annoying, even a child can't be brought well." Then he hugged the pillow quilt and went to sleep in the next room.
For example: a man works overtime for a project, but the final work result is shared by the leader, he goes home and complains to his wife that he has suffered unfair treatment, but his wife hit him again: "Who called you not a leader, you deserve to be bullied if you have no ability!" ”
Men and women in this kind of marriage cannot meet their emotional needs in the relationship, and in the long run, they either have extramarital affairs and go outside to seek emotional understanding and satisfaction; Or just can't stand it, choose to divorce, and end the marital relationship.
In fact, both men and women expect their partners to be able to compare hearts and minds and be empathetic.
A partner who doesn't empathize often gives you the feeling that he doesn't understand you, he doesn't love you, he doesn't care that you don't care about you. Your pain and sorrow have nothing to do with him. What you often feel is "alone", "discouraged", "cold heart".
Writer Han Songluo once wrote such a passage that I like very much:
"When people are looking for a partner, in addition to the ability of wealth, intelligence, and emotional intelligence, they should add an investigation of empathy.
You have to find a person who can probe your emotions, who can put yourself in the shoes of others, who can compare hearts to hearts, who is awake, who can share joy and sorrow with him, honor and disgrace, resonate with him all the time and everywhere, and touch the real life. When you are about to die in the hospital, he may respond positively to your pain and actively do something. ”
So in marriage, how to become a person with strong empathy ability?
● Accept the negative emotions of the other party
To be honest, it's not easy to do that.
It requires us to form a mindset that values people's emotions more than things. This point is actually not in line with the rules of work or business society, who in work and society talks to you about your feelings? People are talking about doing things, solving problems, or being efficient.
But because of this, in the family, in marriage, we must learn to value a person's mood and emotions. We can't live like a machine, can we?
Our counselors have better empathy than the average person and are more receptive to the negative emotions of our clients:
1, their own personality and career training, we pay more attention to people's mood, emotions. As I often ask clients in counseling: How are you feeling right now? Or how do you feel?
2, we have also undergone a lot of study and vocational training, the container that contains and carries emotions inside is better repaired.
3, we accept the visitor's money, see in the money to do their own work.
Therefore, in intimate relationships, on the one hand, we must know how to see each other's emotions and empathize with each other; But on the other hand, you can't ask the other person to empathize with you like a counselor, after all, the requirements are too high.
When your partner has a negative emotion, you try to accept that emotion instead of criticizing the other person. I think this is something that most people can try to do.
One of the painful feelings that many women feel in marriage is that when they have emotions, their husbands always say: "You are here again." "Is there something wrong with you?"
In such a state, everyone is very miserable, and women feel that their emotions are not only not accepted, but also defined as "faults" and "problems", and they are blamed and attacked.
Men are also miserable, and in the face of your emotions he can't bear, can't catch, or has no solution, is irritable. He either feels helpless and powerless, or he sees this emotion of yours as an intrusion or an attack on him, and he attacks back.
In such a situation, it is recommended that women still come to do psychological counseling, deal with their emotions first, and then go back to teach their husbands to deal with emotions.
● Feel emotions and identify emotions
If you want to empathize with others, you first need to recognize some emotions and be able to match them to emotional vocabulary.
Feeling emotions, identifying emotions, and describing emotions in words are all part of our emotional intelligence.
Some people's emotional vocabulary is very scarce, and when it comes to it, there is only "sadness" and "anger", and there is no such words as "anger", "self-blame" and "frustration". Some of these people are relatively sluggish about their own emotions and others, and need to practice sensitivity and awareness of emotions; Some are sensitive to emotions and just lack the learning of emotional vocabulary, as long as he expands his emotional vocabulary, his emotional intelligence will improve.
● Substitute yourself for each other and describe each other's emotions
Try to feel from the other person's point of view, to think, and then describe the other person's inner feelings, the more accurately described, the more the other party feels empathized by you.
For example, the wife is planning to go to bed early and get up early. But when she wakes up and is sullen because she stayed up late the night before, you can ask her: "Did you not realize your plan to go to bed early, do you feel depressed, and a little self-blame?" ”
At this time, the wife will feel that she is empathized with by you, you understand her, and the mood may soon get better.
Our emotions are often mixed. In the example above, the wife may feel frustrated, frustrated, disappointed, self-blame...
When we can accurately express the emotions in each other's hearts, we are helping each other deal with emotions, just like peeling an onion, saying that one emotion is peeled off an onion. When all the emotions in the heart are described and expressed through the way of language, and the onion of emotions is also peeled away from the heart, just like the flow of water flows through the body, the emotions go away, people will become calm, then it will become much easier to solve the problem.
We have all heard the saying that there is no real empathy in this world, and if the needle is not stuck in one's body, it will not hurt.
This is true on one level, but if we can have an empathetic heart, a soft heart, a heart that senses and imagines the suffering of others, when you see someone being pricked, you will certainly be touched, even if it is only for a moment.
And this momentary touch is actually a very precious thing in this world. Prove that you are awake, alive, and alive without numbness or machinery.
The so-called husband and wife, solidarity. May you be an empathetic partner in an intimate relationship, because you hold hands with each other, so you can grieve your sadness and be happy with your happiness.
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