Since childhood, I have felt that my sense of existence is low, my parents' praise is given to my excellent sister, love to my lively younger brother, and I am like a child who does not need to exist, and I get little care and care, and my parents' recognition and affirmation are even fewer.
At 27, Shelley lives in one such family.
She has been moderately depressed for a long time, often insomnia, more self-denial, and has also tried to self-regulate, reading a lot of books on psychology, philosophy, history, religion, aesthetics, etc., hoping to look down on the harm caused by the original family, improve the state, be happy and happy like others, and be less worried and sad.
For her depression, she believes that it is the influence of her original family, and at the same time she is confused:
I feel that my parents are not good, but I can't tell what is bad;
want to be angry with your parents, but can't get angry, parents don't deliberately ignore themselves, parents also have their last resort;
Longing for parents to give more affirmation, but feeling that active expression is a kind of "taking", very shameful...
The state of long-term depression made her a frequent visitor to the hospital, changing doctors and taking medication many times, but the effect was not good. Under the doctor's advice, come over for psychological counseling to improve depression.
I heard that teacher Xu Wenjiao of the Psychological Counseling Center saw in the consultation that Shelley's conflicting concepts and feelings suppressed her, so that she could not be angry, could not express needs, could not love, hate, the whole person from time to time felt depressed, self-blamed, depressed, after accumulating a certain extent, regularly entered the emotional trough, inexplicably sad, want to cry, loss of appetite, irritability, insomnia.
After in-depth counseling, Shelley's long-term moderate depression was assessed to be related to her "self-defeating" personality trait, that is, she had a "masochistic personality" tendency.
The core problem of self-defeating personality is "self-denial". Such individuals have a low sense of self-worth, believe that their strengths are not merits, or feel that their strengths are not worth mentioning, and pay more attention to their shortcomings.
At the same time, there is an element of the self-defeating personality called "self-abuse." For Shelley, her "masochism" is more about work achievement and intimacy.
At work, Shelley has talent, insight, and a good ability to solve difficulties in the scope of work, but she does not think that she has these, and whenever she is about to be promoted, her depression worsens, she is depressed, lazy, weak, regressive, and even serious enough to be unable to go to work normally.
She frequently retreated, believing that she was not qualified for promotion, worried that her leaders would be disappointed, under great pressure, and her work condition was getting worse and worse, so she chose to resign and change jobs.
And constantly changing jobs not only affected the long-term and stable development of her career, but also made her more confused, not knowing what kind of work she liked and what she was good at. This increases her self-denial and exacerbates the vicious cycle of depression.
Emotionally, Shelley longs for a good relationship, overly flattering and very humble in intimate relationships; After that, she suffered from gains and losses, feeling that her boyfriend did not care enough and cherish her, and began to make emotions.
My boyfriend thinks she is very good, but she is too insecure, more clingy, anxious, negative... This relationship is destined to not get together well, and the two people scatter with their own grievances and resentments.
During the consultation, Shelley realized that his depression, intimate mode, etc., are often not due to the persecution and injustice of others in the outside world, but the influence of his own "masochistic personality" tendency - it is easy to put himself in the role of a victim, always feel that the outside world is unfair to him, unfair, and does not care about his feelings.
Individuals with masochistic personality traits do not consciously love pain, and have always wanted to get rid of it, hoping to live less painfully, but the subconscious has become accustomed to using the posture of "victim" to make others feel guilty and indebted, so as to achieve moral and emotional victory.
As a result, they have habitual attitudes such as willing to suffer, complain, constant self-harm and self-deprecation, and a subconscious desire to torture others with pain.
Shelley only knew that he was depressed, but he didn't understand what was wrong with him and why he was like this, so he was obsessed with "blaming" his native family, did not see the moral spiritual victory brought by self-abuse, and did not realize his own strength and his parents' love for him.
She suddenly understood why she always felt that her depression was caused by her bad parents, and often complained that her parents were not good enough for her, but her parents did not do any major harm in her memory, and she was not so bad to herself.
Shelley's inner part loosened a little, and she began to talk more freely about her expectations, hatreds, disappointments, and love for her parents, sister, and brother, and she was happy about the preferences that her parents, sister, and brother gave her from time to time. Her emotional state is becoming more and more stable, her inner emptiness is reduced, her sense of fullness is increased, her self-esteem is improved, and she has more and more time for peace and happiness.
Of course, change is not always easy, and Shelley has to contend with self-defeat, self-denial beliefs, and early cognition. Although it was difficult, she was persevering, kept trying, and was very cooperative with counseling. In life, I also started a new relationship, challenged the work of management positions, and became more and more powerful inside.
After consultation with a psychiatrist, Shelley suspended medication and was able to maintain stability on his own.
Write on the back:
Depression, not only has a difference in degree, but also the psychological roots of depression. For the treatment of depression, professional evaluation is required and targeted, because the best treatment for different types of depressed mood is always different.
Xu Wenjiao
・Listen about it Counseling Center - Senior Counselor
National second-level psychological counselor
Sandbox game consultant
Member of the Professional Committee of Psychological Counselors of Guangdong Mental Health Association
Member of Guangdong Psychological Society
Member of the Psychoanalytic Professional Committee
Psychological consultant of the "Rights Protection Service Station" of the Guangdong Provincial Women's Federation