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Satya, the famous "master of family therapy", believes that a person is inextricably linked to his family of origin, and this connection may affect his life.
But don't use your original family as an excuse not to grow and change, because your happiness and happiness are in your own hands.
And as a parent, please remember: you are now the original family of your children! You're recreating a culture.
Don't continue what was wrong in the past; the good experience of the past should be passed on. You affect your child's future family happiness.
1
Family of origin
We have two homes in our lives. One is the home we grew up with, mom and dad, and maybe siblings. The other is the one where we grew up and married and started our own family, and we called the first home the original family.
Which of the things you remember now, or the things you don't remember when you were young in your original family, has a greater impact on you?
In fact, it is the things we don't remember that affect us more.
People are like a well-run computer, usually we see the computer interface is the interface we need to see, but the program that decides to present these interfaces is hidden in the computer program.
Therefore, we are also driven by some invisible program to exhibit our current behavior.
In interpersonal interactions, many times we are modeling on some of the behaviors we unconsciously learned in our original families, and sometimes we will do the opposite.
2
Don't just draw an equal sign
For example, a newlywed couple, the wife insists that the toothpaste should be squeezed from the bottom, but the husband squeezes the toothpaste from the middle. The wife will say that the toothpaste should have been squeezed from the bottom, and the husband will say, "Your original is not the same as mine."
We come from different families and have different habits and rules.
3
A strong feeling affects a lifetime
Some very strong and painful experiences experienced in childhood often make the person unconsciously make a major decision that affects how to treat people and things in a lifetime.
For example, a very beautiful girl with excellent character and learning always finds a boy with much worse conditions than herself when looking for a partner, and after getting along for a while, it is difficult to force herself and break up.
It turned out that when she was six years old, her parents divorced, and her mother had to do several jobs to support the family. One night, while her mother was still at work, she came home alone and saw the dark room with nothing to eat in the fridge.
This feeling of loneliness and sadness is unforgettable at this moment. Since then, she has made a decision not to be abandoned. So when she was looking for a partner, she didn't dare to find a boy who was as good as herself.
These subconscious "invisible inner vows" often have a decisive impact on the most important interpersonal relationships in the person's life.
This lifelong decision is not necessarily bad. It has protected you at some point in your life and helped you.
It's only later, when the environment of your life changes, that the behavior that protected you in the past becomes an obstacle in the new environment.
Everyone has to learn to take responsibility for their own psychological emotions.
There's no way you can keep the wind from blowing, but you can adjust the sails to get your boat to its destination. The least influential people are often those who absolutely do not accept the influence of others.
You are not responsible for some things that happened in the family of origin in the past. But, starting today, you are responsible for every choice you make.
Remember: you are now your child's birth family! You're recreating a culture. Don't continue what was wrong in the past; the good experience of the past should be passed on.
4
What kind of family is best for children to grow up?
The best love a father has for his child is to love his child's mother well;
The best love a mother has for her child is to appreciate and respect the child's father;
It can be together, or they can be apart, but not without love.
Respect is the deepest level of love! Half of the child comes from the father and half from the mother, and denying one of the parents of the child is equivalent to unconsciously denying half of the child.
Furthermore, children are bound by the cells of their parents, so every child's subconscious wants their parents to be united.
According to psychologist Maslow's research, when people's physiological needs are met, that is, after eating and wearing warm, the greatest desire in the heart is love and belonging, they are like food for the soul, if they are not available, it will make people feel empty and depressed.
The greatest desire in the child's heart is the sense of belonging to connect with the parents, that is, the desire to transcend everything, so in what way does the child connect with the parents?
As mentioned earlier, it is to do the same thing as the parent, because by doing the same thing, the child can feel "we are together", which is the need for belonging.
Therefore, the child does not care what is done, sometimes even the law, because the strong psychological need is like being able to eat enough when hungry, or even risking to steal food.
Therefore, we need to understand the child's deep psychological needs, that is, he must be connected to both parents in order to meet the need for belonging in his heart.
If the child lacks the connection between one of the parties, it will make the child feel empty and regretful, and the most unbearable thing for the child is that one of the parents negates the other party and excludes the other party, which is like the inner half negating the other half, and the result will inevitably cause a psychological split in the child.
"Your dad is a lazy, irresponsible person, don't be like him in the future!" 」
"Your mother loves to nag, don't nag like her in the future!" 」
"Your mother doesn't care about home, you must not be like her in the future!" 」
Such children will certainly grow up with these behaviors: laziness, irresponsibility, nagging, and disregard for home.
Why? Because he has a strong need to connect with his parents, but the information about his parents is all negative information, of course, he can only connect with this information and make the same behavior to satisfy the sense of belonging to connect with his parents.
Some people say that I just put it in my heart and didn't say it! Don't fool yourself, your child's senses are incredibly sharp, even if you don't say it on the surface, if you have this information in your heart, it will definitely be revealed unconsciously, and your child will definitely feel it.
So what do we do? Since connecting with parents is a child's innate psychological need, provide more positive information to meet the needs of children to connect with their parents.
Not only praise the child, but the focus is on praising the child "like a father" and "like a mother", in this way, the child will connect with the parents in a good information direction, and the desire for belonging in the heart will be satisfied.
"If you're like your dad, I'll be happy."
"If you were like your mother, I'd be happy."
When a child's desire to connect is allowed, it is not so strongly connected to the denied shortcomings in the dark.
postscript
Once a young mother asked Master Silence, "My child is disobedient and does not like to learn, what should I do?"
The Master asked, "Have you ever copied the documents?" If there is a typo on the copy, is it a copy or an original?"
The truth is not profound, but it is a problem that parents often neglect to wake up.
The root cause of your child's disobedience is that you have no image and no status in your child's heart.
In this way, the root is found. If you can have a place in the child's heart, can the child disobey? If you have an image in your child's mind, is it possible that your child will not obey?
Every child is born with a blank piece of paper, and the white paper he draws today is a mess, which is the fault of the original family where the parents are located.
Parents are the best book for children,
He reads and emulates every day.
Parents are the light that illuminates a child's life,
If you are bleak, how can your child shine?