Wen 丨 Forest Mommy
One father sighed: "It is not easy to be a parent for the first time." ”
The daughter next to me jumped three feet high: "I am still a child for the first time, will it be easy for me?" ”
The father smiled bitterly helplessly: "Oh, it's not easy." ”
The mother earnestly said to her daughter: "I really want to be a good mother, but I just don't know how to do it. ”
Her daughter smiled angrily: "I taught you to be a mother?" So who taught me to do it? ”
Although this dialogue is funny, it is full of helplessness, because how parents should teach their children is a real problem.
Most of the ways we educate our children have only one way to learn, and that is how our parents treat us.
Zhou Yijun, the director of the documentary "Childhood in Other Places", once told a story about his own feelings about educating children.
Suddenly one day he found himself particularly familiar with what the child had said, and when he thought about it, oh, it was exactly the same as what her mother had said to her when she was a child, and she was shocked.
"There's a stage where you'll be particularly reluctant to become your mom, but one day you'll find that it seems like you're going to have a lot of his trajectory there..."
Raising children becomes self-driving mode
Life is like a drama, and everyone brings their own script.
When each pair of parents rushed to work, the life script they implanted and learned in their early years was automatically opened, and everyone seemed to start playing the role of parents in the script of family inheritance.
As the lyrics go: "When I grow up, I become you." ”
Everyone, from birth, has constructed two sets of life procedures in their interactions with their parents.
A set of procedures for how to deal with parents, which records strategies and experiences for dealing with parents from infancy to eighteen years old:
If the mother ignores you when you are a baby, there is really no strategy to affect your parents except lying in bed and crying desperately, then your life program records feelings of helplessness and despair and sadness;
If the mother often does not speak with a shady face when the baby is infancy, the baby will desperately please the mother, and the emotional experience of grievance and anger is recorded in the script;
If the father scolds people as soon as he returns from drinking, he also records the feelings of fear and anger in the face of the father in the script while carefully dodging.
Another set of records is the script of the child's behavior towards the child from birth to the age of eighteen, which we might call "inner parent script". It records the attitudes and ways his parents treated him:
Warmth, pampering or indifference, negligence, affirmation, support and love or pickiness, blame and abuse.
From expression to tone, from action to eyes, a full set of imitations and internalizations, children like "little adults" imitate their parents to call a wonderful portrait.
After a person is eighteen years old, his personality has a mixture of four roles: the "Inner Child Script" has a set of roles to deal with the mother and a set of roles to deal with the father; the "Inner Parent Script" has the role of internalizing the father and the role of internalizing the mother.
These scripts are deeply imprinted in a person's life, just like the face change in Sichuan opera, our whole life is to become ourselves in the four faces of the setting, which is difficult to surpass.
When the child became an adult, with these two sets of scripts and four roles, he opened a long life path of walking in the rivers and lakes.
Parenthood requires learning and reflection
Kohut, a master of autopsychology, said: What kind of person the parents are is more important than what the parents do.
Unless studied and reflected, it is inevitable that the parenting model of the previous generation will be copied to the next generation in its original way.
A mother said after enlightenment: I often see the shadow of my childhood in my son, and I often feel as if I am possessed by my mother.
Parents also grew up from babies, what was infused by their parents in their personality pool? Is it confident enthusiasm or insensitivity? These factors determine not only their happiness throughout their lives, but also their ability to interact with their children and love them as parents.
A depressed mother after childbirth said: "When I gave birth, I was sitting in my in-laws' confinement, and I also knew that my mother-in-law and husband had taken good care of me, and the child was normal and healthy." Supposedly, I should no longer be dissatisfied, but I don't know why, or inexplicably every day I am sad, feeling that the future is chaotic and confused, and there is no hope in life. ”
In fact, the negative repressive emotions of her early years were re-enacted.
As a parent, being aware of emotions is the most important thing
The method is not important, the reason is not important, and the emotion that comes out of nowhere is the key to all problems.
Only by finding the source of these emotions and managing these emotions can we solve our own problems.
So where do these lingering emotions come from?
If there are too many negative and repressed emotions in the personality pool of parents in the early years, the child's behavior can easily hook up with their negative emotions.
For example, when the child is naughty, the father's emotions "rub" out at once, with the momentum of lightning not covering his ears, transformed into a violent impulse to the son, "whizzing" to give the child a slap, there is no room for thinking.
In fact, the naughtiness of the child is natural, but perhaps because the father himself was violently abused by his father when he was a child, it is equivalent to pouring a lot of grievances, anger and destructive impulses into his personality pool.
The child's mischievousness evokes the father's emotions, and the father slaps his son without rational control.
The Analects speak of "thinking twice before acting", which is to give emotions a chance to change their minds, and not to let children use them as containers for their own "emotions". Always be aware of your emotions in order not to be swayed by the script of life.