What kind of love do insecure children need?

I sent my little nephew to kindergarten the other day.

At the door I saw a little boy holding his mother and crying heart-rending. I wondered, it's been almost a month since school started, why hasn't this little boy adapted yet?

At this time, the little boy's mother was very impatient with crying, and threw his little arm away: "Don't cry anymore, crying again, your mother won't want you!" ”

As a result, the little boy cried even harder.

"Crying mom again won't want you!" What a harsh word, because of this sentence, made this little boy feel insecure in his heart.

In his heart, he really believed that his mother would abandon him. For him, every time he went to kindergarten, he meant being abandoned. It's strange not to cry.

However, there are not a few parents like this mom. They use verbal violence to deprive children of their sense of security at a young age.

If you think about it, do we often hear such words:

How can you be so stupid? You can't do anything as simple as that!

If you don't obey any more, you won't be wanted!

Stop crying, get bored!

I said no is no!

These words from parents will make children feel afraid, blame themselves, and become insecure.

What do most insecure children do?

Either very clingy or too independent;

Be either cowardly or bold enough to disregard your own safety;

will be very obsessed with material satisfaction;

Unwillingness to accept different opinions;

Failure is unacceptable.

If the child around you has the above manifestations, be careful, their sense of security is being lost.

What exactly do insecure children need?

Parents have a sense of security, children will have a sense of security

I saw a message from a mother in the background:

I feel that the child has changed a lot recently, and suddenly there is a feeling that I can't keep up with the pace of the child's growth, I don't seem to have the patience and energy I used to have, I am afraid that I will inadvertently hurt her and let the child slowly lose his sense of security.

In fact, the mother herself is very insecure, and before the problem occurs, she begins to be anxious about not being able to keep up with the child's footsteps.

They are all first-time mothers, they all need to learn, and they will make mistakes. In the face of this situation, there is no need to be anxious, because when you constantly put pressure on yourself, inner anxiety, and insecurity, the child will also be infected by your state and will not be able to get enough security.

Parents have a sense of security, children will have a sense of security.

My cousin grew up in an insecure family.

Her parents didn't have a good relationship and often quarreled. Her father often came home late at night and never helped her share the housework.

Her mom was extremely insecure about the marriage and tried to maintain the relationship by unconditionally pleasing her husband. If the husband says that a dress is not beautiful, her mother will never wear it a second time; if the husband does not want to wash clothes, even if she is tired and unwell, she will take care of the housework.

But her mother's efforts did not come in exchange for a happy marriage, but for a daughter who was as insecure as she was.

Her cousin found a husband who was obedient to her, but she did not cherish it, but went to the opposite extreme of her mother.

The cousin does not do any housework at home, even if the husband is very tired when she comes home, she also asks him to take care of herself; when quarreling, she never shows weakness, and must let her husband coax her; she will not prepare gifts for her husband for the holiday birthday, but she must have gifts...

When I came home from vacation this year, I heard that the couple had a lot of arguments and were about to get divorced.

My cousin, like her mother, was a person who was insecure about marriage. She thought that as long as she didn't give as much as her mother, she could get a marriage that controlled everything.

In fact, blindly asking for it will not be exchanged for an endless sense of security, but will accelerate the other party to leave tired.

Security is the background of life and deeply affects everyone's living conditions.

This state is directly related to the state of the parents themselves: if you want your child to feel safe, you must first be a secure parent.

I accept you as you really are and love you unconditionally

When I was a teacher, I found that some children with particularly good grades were as serious as little adults all day long, and they didn't seem to be happy.

Once, when I was on duty patrol, I found the girl who often took the first exam in the class hiding behind a bush and crying. I asked her what was going on.

Only then did I know that because I had failed this monthly exam, I felt that I had failed to live up to the expectations of my parents and teachers.

At that moment, I was very sad for her. She was only thirteen years old, but she had let herself carry such a heavy burden. Her efforts are all in pleasing others, and she is bitter and wronged.

If, at this time, her parents were willing to understand her and support her, she could at least cry at home instead of hiding under the dark bushes.

In the parent-child relationship, the healthiest attitude of parents to their children should be: I accept the most authentic you and love you unconditionally.

Some time ago, I was sucked in powder by Chen Xiaochun and Xiao Xiaochun.

Chen Xiaochun before the program was broadcast, the strength of the protector. He told netizens: He is not beautiful or handsome, and his speech is not funny. I hope you don't hurt my son and scold me if you want to.

Later, after the program was broadcast, I didn't expect that everyone liked Xiao Xiaochun, and a reporter asked him: Will Xiao Xiaochun enter the entertainment circle in the future?

Chen Xiaochun said: I don't like him to drift into the entertainment circle, but if he really wants to go in, I can't do anything. Record this show, there is no way to show everyone, see my son, how ugly!

Although Chen Xiaochun said in interviews several times that his son was not good-looking, in the show, we saw unconditional love.

Chen Xiaochun was grumpy and impatient, and when he saw his son walking very slowly and looking around, he couldn't help but lose his temper: Hey! Can you hurry!

The sudden roar scared the passers-by who took pictures next to them to turn around and run. And Xiao Xiaochun did not cry, nor did he show timidity, but discussed with his father like a little adult: Can you not be angry?

Chen Xiaochun realized that his attitude was not right, and immediately apologized to Xiao Xiaochun, saying: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Daddy loves you.

When Chen Xiaochun was very gentle with him, Xiao Xiaochun secretly told the cameraman: He likes me. Full of pride and happiness.

A sense of security is a deep desire in the child's heart, and the child who is accepted and loved has the courage to talk to his parents with an equal attitude, and will express his emotions freely, and it is easier to grow up confident and happy.

Watching the interaction between Chen Xiaochun and Xiao Xiaochun, I found that Xiao Xiaochun often said to her father, "I will always love you" and "I want to be friends with you every day."

It can be seen that the unconditional love given by parents to their children is not only good for their children, but also nourishes themselves. The act of passing love between parents and children to express love is itself a healing energy.

Set rules for your child Encourage your child to be independent

To give children a sense of security, parents not only need to give them unconditional love, but also need to give them the right rules to encourage them to be independent.

I remember going on a business trip to the city of Qiqi and meeting her three-year-old daughter for the first time, when the little boy from the neighborhood was also playing with them.

Later, not knowing what was wrong, the milk the child drank spilled on the carpet. Seven Seven asked what's going on? The little boy was a little confused at the time, and quickly said: It's not that I'm not me. Unexpectedly, her daughter immediately took the initiative to admit her mistake: Mom is sorry, I didn't see it just now, and accidentally fell down.

I was surprised that she kept praising her daughter at dinner, and she was very responsible at a young age.

Qiqi said: When she was younger, she would also deceive people, afraid that we would scold her. Later, we told her that if we did something wrong, we should admit that Mom and Dad would solve it with her.

Therefore, Qiqi rarely scolded because her daughter took the initiative to admit her mistake, but solved the problem with the child. The little girl has a full sense of security in her heart, and understands that doing something wrong should be solved in time, rather than shirking responsibility and escaping punishment.

Establish the right rules for your children, and they will feel that the world is solid and reliable.

The famous psychologist Maslow believes that security is the most important factor in determining mental health. People with a sense of security are more likely to be liked and accepted, and it is easier to find belonging in the group.

So, maybe the child will not grow up to be what we think, but as parents, it is necessary for us to tell the child the following rules:

Parent Academy, the practical experts around you, parents study hard, children improve every day! No problem children, only problem education! There is no lover who does not know the heart, only relationships that will not get along!