"Sleeping badly at night with a child, is it okay for my son to sleep with the babysitter at night?"
Not long after her friend gave birth to her baby, she wanted to get a good night's sleep, so she wanted the baby to sleep with the babysitter.
I suggested that she still take it to sleep with herself, but she was puzzled, thinking that the nanny who spent so much money could not sleep with the child?
Xiao Wu, a childcare expert, once said: "Whoever a child sleeps with is his child." ”
Although this statement is a bit serious, it also makes sense from a psychological point of view.
1. Whoever the child kisses, he is willing to sleep with whom
My classmate Linlin only slept with her baby for more than 8 months, and then when she wanted to go to work, she let her mother-in-law come to take care of the baby, and after the mother-in-law and the baby were familiar, she took the baby to sleep.
After Linlin went to work, she wanted to enter the state of work as soon as possible, plus the mother-in-law took good care of the child, so many times Linlin arrived home, the baby fell asleep, Linlin got off work, and the baby did not wake up.
Especially after more than 10 months of weaning, the baby basically does not look for the mother.
The baby is now 1 and a half weeks, and occasionally when the weekend rests, Linlin wants the baby to sleep with herself, but even if the child is sleepy, she has to find a grandmother to sleep.
Sometimes Linlin is not willing, just after the baby is asleep, she secretly carries him to her bed, but the child will always wake up at night and cry to find grandma.
The child's performance once made Linlin particularly uncomfortable, and the baby and the grandmother were more intimate than the mother. It feels like a small tree planted by myself, watching it sprout long leaves and branches, but being uprooted by others, I feel so wronged.
Austrian biologist Conrad. Lauren once did an experiment:
He divided the ducks into two groups, A and B, group A was hatched by the mother duck, and group B was hatched by machine. The moment the baby ducks in group A broke their shells, they saw the mother ducks, and the moment the baby ducks in group B broke their shells, they saw Lorenz.
When the two groups of duck babies were frightened, the baby ducks in group B ran behind Lawrenz instead of the mother duck, and they regarded Lawrenz as a "mother duck". This experiment is known as the "imprint effect" experiment.
In the human parent-child relationship, although there is no "imprint effect" at the first sight, because the baby's vision is very weak when they are born, they can know the mother through the mother's voice and body odor, and when pregnant in October, the mother's body odor and voice are familiar to the baby.
Professor Li Meijin, a criminal psychologist, once pointed out: "Sleeping is precisely when people are the most smelly, the child is in your house, he smells your smell, he feels that you are close."
Who the child sleeps with is actually the emotional stability established by the child with whom.
2. Lack of companionship at an early age, children will not be close to their parents
The child's attachment to the mother will be transferred and disappeared, and the missed attachment relationship is also irreversible. If the role of mother is replaced, it is possible that this attachment will be transferred to someone else.
In the first three years of a child's life, especially in the first year of life, the child develops an emotional attachment to the caregiver, and the main body of attachment is the person who is mainly looking after him.
Chen Chen, the little protagonist in the movie "Letter from Heaven", has always been his grandfather to take care of him because his parents were sent abroad when he was a few months old.
When Chenchen was more than 5 years old, Chenchen's mother returned from abroad, and when Chenchen saw her mother, she was nervous and strange, and she could not get close to her mother.
In Chenchen's heart, Grandpa is his closest person, so when Grandpa and Mom picked him up from school, other children shouted at Mom and ran to Mom's arms, but Chen Chen crossed his mother and plunged into Grandpa's arms, excitedly telling Grandpa about what he had seen and heard about the day;
At the New Year, my mother wanted to take Chen Chen out and let Chen Chen wear the new clothes she had prepared for him, but Chen Chen was unwilling to accompany grandpa at home...
No wonder Chen Chen's mother would cry in the house later, in other words, any mother may be very sad!
Before the age of 3 is an important period for children to establish a good relationship with their parents, and is regarded as a critical period for the development of parent-child relationship. Missing this critical period makes it difficult for children and parents to become closer.
Some people say that children who are small and do not understand things will be close to their parents when they are older, but even if they are close, they will always lack a piece.
My friend's son, who was sent back to his hometown at 3 months old to be cared for by his grandparents, was only picked up when he was in kindergarten. According to her, usually the child will play with her and the child's father, and will follow her wherever he goes.
If the two of them go out, the child will not ask how many days they are not at home, but the child's grandparents will not be at home for a day or two, and the child will ask.
This feeling, like a page of a book, is missing a corner, so that you always regret that you can't read the contents of that page.
Child psychology research shows that the order of development of infant interpersonal relationships is: parent-child relationship - playmate relationship - group relationship.
Before the age of 1 and a half years, it is a critical period for the development of parent-child relationship. At this stage, the mother builds an attachment relationship through physical contact, emotional exchange, and timely response to the child.
If the role of mother is replaced by other nurturers, the child's emotional attachment will naturally be transferred to other nurturers.
If the mother's love is missing before the age of 1 and a half, the relationship between mother and child after the age of 1 and a half can only be a playmate relationship, and it is difficult to make up for the parent-child relationship.
The people who are closest to children are often the people who take the most care of their children and pay the most in the process of raising children.
3. "Intergenerational help" should not become "intergenerational support"
A few years before the birth of a child, it is often the time when parents are busiest in their careers, and the vast majority of parents will help their children to see the next generation.
Some young parents feel that since the elders can take their children, they have the full authority to give their children to the elders.
After the child has just passed the lactation period, about one year old or even earlier, the task of taking the child is "contracted" to the grandparents, even if they live together, the child's eating, drinking, and sleeping are all handled by the elderly, and the parents are only amateur roles in the child's life.
There are also some parents who do not have the conditions to live with the elderly, simply entrust their children to the elderly, see them once a week, or see them once a month or even once a year.
Parents who throw their hands in charge sometimes think that this is also very good, and their lives are free and easy. But without skin-to-skin kissing, every word, every song and smile, where is the intimate mother-child relationship and the intimate father-son relationship? The quality of the parent-child relationship between the child and the parent determines the quality of the child's future and the whole world.
Or maybe the child is close to the elders, and I want to snatch the child back.
Some mothers find that their children are closer to their grandparents than their grandparents, and they will have anxiety and the idea of snatching their children back.
Xu Yuqian, an education expert, believes that this idea is also very wrong: "Children and grandparents are close, indicating that grandparents love children, and children also love their ancestors." There is no question of competing for love, but reflection should be on why the child and you are not intimate? What should I do to make up for the relationship? ”
Instead of struggling with the problem of who the child sleeps with and kisses whom, it is better to put your mind on making the child willing to take the initiative to sleep with you and be willing to kiss you!
Every family has its own pressures, and "intergenerational help" is the icing on the cake, but it must be done that children and parents are more willing to sleep with their parents.
4. On the basis of companionship, just the right love is the most ideal parental love
Children who lack the company of their parents will be the lack of children's lives, and it is also a deep regret of parents. However, if parents are reluctant to separate from their children because of their own needs, it is also detrimental to the growth of children.
Taiwanese host Di Ying and Sun Peng tried to do 3 test tubes before finally giving birth to a son at the age of 37, and he was also very doting on his son, and when his son was a teenager, he would sleep with him and sleep with his son.
My little aunt was a strong woman when she was young, and she had a second child a few years ago, probably to make up for the regrets of the past, and she put all her love on my second-born cousin.
The little cousin is now almost 6 years old, and the night milk has not yet been broken. Others sometimes persuade the little aunt to break the child, but the aunt always says that the child does not drink a sip at night, sleeps well, for fear of affecting the child's sleep. In fact, we can all feel that our aunt enjoys this state.
This over-attachment of Di Ying and my aunt to the child may no longer be out of the needs of the child, but more out of the protection of ourselves - to make ourselves feel at ease.
And in the process of raising children, there is never a standard to speak of. But good parents often give companionship when the child is young, and the needs of the child are met in time; when the child grows up, he can establish a sense of boundary for the child and respond to the child's requirements, but will pay attention to the method and timing, and it is not a smooth one.
As the child grows older, although he is reluctant in his heart, he will still make the decision to separate.
As Zhao Jie, a talented woman at Peking University, once wrote: "I admire a kind of parent who gives a strong intimacy when the child is young, and then learns to withdraw gracefully after the child grows up." Care and separation are both tasks that parents must complete in their children.
The child's growth is only once, no matter how busy the work is, no matter how tired life is, I believe there will always be a way to take care of work and children. When he was young, we didn't need to be perfect parents, but we had to be conscientious, without the length of companionship, where is the thickness of feelings?
Love is to be together, companionship and know how to score inches, is the best love that parents give to their children!