Recently, I learned a parenting perspective, which talks about the need to cultivate children's new three senses: intimacy, strength, and control, which can make children have internal motivation and spontaneously want to be better.
1. Intimacy
Intimacy is a feeling in a child, a feeling that the child feels understood and supported. Intimacy is not defined by parents, but felt by the children themselves.
Let's imagine this scenario:
On the playground, when the child was playing on the slide, he was pushed away by other children, and the child stood there, a little overwhelmed, looked at you, and then without squeaking, he let the other children play. Then he walks up to you and takes you by the hand to go to another place to play.
At this time, you start to get anxious, Alas, this kid, why didn't you react to being bullied! Then you start to educate the child: be brave, tell the child that the behavior of pushing people and cutting in line is wrong, it is uncivilized and impolite, let's do it... However, the child didn't listen to it and felt very wronged by being bullied.
The more you let him listen carefully, the more he didn't listen, the more aggrieved he became, and he felt that his mother didn't love me anymore, and I was bullied, and he was still talking about me. And then the two parted happily...
Are you wondering what I did wrong? There's nothing wrong with it, it's all taught according to the parenting book, and I'm all for his good?!
So what's the problem?
The look at your child when he is being bullied, he is helpless, and he wants your encouragement and help. Rather than you just acting as a bystander.
Out he was aggrieved when he wanted to escape the scene, and he wanted your comfort and support. And not your babbling preaching.
A playground where you can go hand in hand, and the result... Your intimacy with your child is ruined.
Intimacy is about making children feel understood, supported, safe, and unjudged by their parents. Children need not only guidance from their parents, but more importantly, their parents' unconditional love and acceptance for them.
For example, in the example above, we say this:
You can start by hugging your child and patting him gently on the back – your child will feel safe and loved.
Then, ask the child again: Baby, what just happened? You don't seem happy – listen, give your child space to express their feelings, and don't rush to solve the problem.
"Well, I was pushed, and I was cut in line, right, it's really uncomfortable, the last time my mother went to the supermarket, I was cut in line by an uncle, and I was also very unhappy" - expressing understanding and empathy.
"I know it's unfair, so let's figure it out together, okay?" - Convey support and encourage children to face difficulties.
Wouldn't that be much better?
Let the child feel, the focus of our concern is on him as a person, we give him love and comfort, we take care of his feelings, we understand him and support him, this is the intimacy he perceives.
We teach our children to give love and comfort before they are guided, and this sequence is the key to nurturing children's intimacy.
Love before teaching, don't teach before you love, or just love and don't teach.
2. Sense of competence
Feeling empowered is an important source of inner strength in every human being. When we successfully complete a task, it is natural to feel a sense of accomplishment that makes us feel great – self-confidence, thus accumulating what is known as a "sense of power". On the contrary, when we feel that we cannot do it, we gradually consume that feeling.
These experiences of accumulating and consuming a sense of power are preserved in the memory of "implicit memory", even if we think we have forgotten them. When we face life's major challenges, these implicit memories can influence our judgment and behavior, acting like an inner voice.
While people are often afraid of feeling powerless, our instinctive reaction is often to avoid when faced with challenges and feeling powerless. Sometimes, people even mask this feeling of powerlessness with a superficial attitude of indifference, such as "I don't care" or "I just don't want to do it".
Recognizing and confronting one's own vulnerability is actually an act of showing true strength. This is not just a temporary challenge, but a lifelong task.
For children, they need adult guidance and support as they grow up, helping them understand and accept their vulnerability, while encouraging them to face challenges positively and gradually build their sense of strength. In this way, they can grow healthier and become confident and capable individuals.
For example, my family paints:
Tu Tu is a relatively early baby, but he is slightly thinner than his peers, and his athletic ability is slightly weaker, in the words of Tu Tu's mother: The food he eats is used to grow his brain.
I remember we used to learn scooters together, he had a little weaker coordination and little strength in his hands, he tried many times and always fell down, and then I quickly held him up, he felt very frustrated and wanted to give up.
I crouched down and said to him, "Tu Tu is great, look, we skated this... It's far away. ”
Then I put on the same expression as him, frowned, and exaggeratedly said, "Alas, but it's so hard, I always fall." ”
We sighed together, and I deliberately sighed louder than he did, which helped him relax. - Not only did I praise him, but I also showed the same feelings as him, so it would be easier for him to listen to my suggestions in the future.
I offered to try again and told him: one last effort with Dad, and then no matter what the result is, we won't practice, okay?
On this last attempt, I lifted his hand on the shoulder, and with a little more force, I helped him slide a long distance. He was very happy and we finished the day.
He's very happy and even though he knows I've helped him a lot, it's the result of my hard work with him, so he's also very accomplished.
The most valuable thing about this is that I proposed it once, and he agreed, and he didn't give up at the worst possible time, which proves that he thinks he can still do it. Even though he knew that I had helped him a lot the last time, he was still happy and fulfilled. This invisibly accumulated his sense of power.
This experience keeps the child willing to try again and boosts the child's self-confidence. In fact, Tu Tu did show interest in trying again on his own.
In order to protect Tu Tu's sense of strength, I first chose to establish intimacy with him, first praising him and comforting him, and then by complaining and complaining together, I expressed my understanding and support for him. This act of empathy not only makes him feel loved, but also makes him feel not alone in the face of challenges.
To make his next attempt even more successful, I deliberately added some games to our routine designed to improve coordination. This includes playing with Jumping Grid, Golden Rooster Independence, Space Walk, and Frog Jump, among others. These games not only allowed his body to gradually adapt to the demands of sports, but also indirectly prepared him to learn to drive again.
One day he offered to go scooter with me, and when we went again, even he was amazed, and after only two attempts, he was basically in control of the scooter. Although he is still far from being fully mastered, it is no longer difficult for him.
From many failures, to semi-failures and semi-successes, to final success, this gradual progress deepened his sense of strength, and this experience formed a belief in his heart: even if I am not successful now, I have the ability to succeed in the end, because I have done it before.
This process of affirmation and encouragement is not only a development of skills, but also a shaping of self-confidence, helping children build lasting inner strength.
3. A sense of control
For children, what is the sense of control, is the feeling of "I am in charge of my affairs" and "I can make my own choices".
This sense of control is also especially important for a child's growth process, especially in the so-called "terrible two-year-old" stage. During this period, children begin to challenge the daily routine arranged by their parents, often responding with the word "no". It's not just that they're really against something, it's more that they're enjoying the sense of control that comes with rebelling against adults, and that rebellion makes them feel empowered to make decisions about their lives.
The sense of control that children experience from the age of two grows with them, and if parents can guide them correctly, this can foster a child's independence and autonomy; If not handled properly, it can turn into rebellious and headward behavior.
Therefore, it is key for parents to learn to set reasonable boundaries, not only to help children learn self-management, but also to help them safely explore and enhance their self-control.
I remember once Tu Tu wanted to wear a superman swimsuit to kindergarten, I was a little stunned by this whim, after coming back to my senses, I realized that it was his sense of control that was "troubled", I thought about it carefully, it is indeed his own business, of course he has the right to choose what clothes he wears. (When he grew up, he knew that he had no rights, and he had to wear whatever his wife told him to wear).
However, a child of his age is in the stage of building a "sense of power", so what I need to do is to protect his sense of power by guiding and helping before it happens, and try not to hit his self-confidence regardless of how things end, so as not to affect the development of his autonomy.
I decided to communicate with him honestly:
"Of course, your Superman swimsuit is cool, and you can choose to wear it to school.
However, usually we only wear swimsuits in the swimming pool or at the beach by the sea.
If you wear a swimsuit to school, some children may find it strange, they may ask you why you are doing it, or laugh at you, or they may even not want to play with you.
So what should you do? ”
He said he liked the Superman swimsuit, and he decided to wear it to school. I respected his decision and brought a set of clothes that I usually wore to school to school in case he changed his mind.
And I sent a WeChat message to tell the teacher: You can tell Tu Tu before class that the school does not approve of wearing like this, and he can go to the school gate to find me to change clothes.
As a result, the little brother in the elevator, the classmates at the school gate, and the teacher who came to say hello all asked the same question: Are you going to swim? After learning that it was school, they all showed a very surprised and puzzled expression, but Tu Tu had an expression of "why don't you understand my handsomeness", but he still told me before entering the school gate that he didn't want to wear it.
When I got home from school, I asked him why he had changed his mind, and he said that I was right, that the school was really not suitable for wearing swimsuits, and that he had decided not to wear swimsuits to school in the future, and that his mood seemed to be unaffected, and he excitedly talked to me about his plans to go to the swimming pool next time - the sense of strength was not damaged.
In this process, Tu Tu felt a sufficient sense of control, and formed his own judgment through control:
I decide what I wear to school - >
I literally wore a Superman swimsuit to school - >
I felt a strange look - >
I decided not to wear a swimsuit
Therefore, when dealing with children's decision-making, we should avoid excessive control, so as not to deprive children of a sense of control. At the same time, letting go is not about not caring, but about being properly guided to help the child understand the possible consequences of his choice.
This respects the child's autonomy and ensures that they make informed decisions with safe and appropriate support. In this way, we not only support children to grow into independent individuals, but also teach them how to make adaptable choices in their social environment.