Author:Yiming (Parents Intensive Reading Author)
Evolutionary mother: Less anger towards children, more peace; less hurt, more love, gentle treatment of children, is the beginning of parenting romance.
Recently, after watching a video, I felt particularly distressed.
There was a 3-year-old girl who accidentally stuck her hand card in the crack of the door, her expression was calm, and the performance of her brother who was about 5 years old was unprepared.
Not only did he call the firefighters policemen, but he also cried out loud and begged them not to take him away.
When he raised his small face to admit his mistake to his father, his father pushed him aside and yelled: Don't talk.
The father's eagerness at that time may be understandable, but when asked about the incident, the mother on the side pointed to her son and said that he did it.
When my sister's hand was out of danger, Dad turned to the little boy and asked, Did you put your sister's hand in the crack of the door?
At this time, the little boy could not hold back any longer, and he cried and said, No, I was leaning against the door, when my sister suddenly rushed over.
Originally, the parents did not do their duty, let the daughter squeeze her hand, but sent anger to the child.
Looking at the little boy with tears on his face, netizens broke their defenses.
"What is this brain circuit?" Simply unworthy of being a parent! ”
"Angry to death! Shouldn't I comfort my brother first? ”
"It's a terrible thing to be a parent who doesn't have to take an exam!"
Some netizens also hit the nail on the head and interpreted the parent's inner activities:
Because of carelessness to let their daughter's hands be stuck, so that they feel remorseful, the emotions of the nest fire have nowhere to vent, and can only be transferred to the son who cannot resist.
I've heard a saying that people unconsciously use people who are weaker than themselves as venting objects.
In a family, the child is undoubtedly the weakest without the power of the chicken, and if he accidentally makes a mistake, he often becomes the bearer of the negative emotions of the parents.
The anger of parents is a weapon to hurt their children
A netizen posted a post on social software saying that he was very distressed about his daughter.
In the morning, her husband sent her daughter to kindergarten, they were almost late, the daughter had to drink yogurt, and when her husband went to the refrigerator to get yogurt, he accidentally overturned a plate of braised meat left over last night, and splashed a body of oil.
At that time, the father was on fire, and scolded his daughter: You see, you see, knock it over, drink what yogurt, I don't know if I'm running late, don't go to kindergarten, stay at home!
Then, the daughter stood there in a daze, her eyes full of fear, helplessness, self-blame, and overwhelmed, which made the mother on the side very distressed.
In life, because of the pressure of life or the interference of children to do the wrong thing, parents will sprinkle the anger generated in their hearts on the children and shift the responsibility to the children.
Not long ago, a 15-year-old boy in Yunnan committed suicide by drinking pesticides.
His suicide note is full of helplessness and struggle:
"I'm still young and don't want to die so much, but I can't stand it. Don't throw your temper at your own children, they are innocent.
God sent them to you in the hope that they would be loved, not the wrath of their parents. ”
The boy's father has been working in Kunming for many years, his income is not high, and his life is tight.
He was often in a bad mood, and when he was slightly unhappy, he transferred his anger to his son, ranging from verbal abuse to heavy punches and kicks.
The child has no other choice but to express his dissatisfaction in such a tragic way.
The child who was used as a "punching bag" was like facing a time bomb, not knowing when it would explode, he was trembling, cautious, and did not dare to act rashly.
When the child is a pump, he will one day be overwhelmed and do something that makes us regret it a lot.
Angering children is the knife that tears apart the parent-child relationship
Her friend Xiao huang is quite beautiful and very talented, but whenever she mentions her mother, she has a bitter face.
XiaoHuang said that she had a good relationship with her father since she was a child, and she felt that her mother was not good to her, never praised and praised her, and hated her for taking away her husband's love.
Because of the incompatibility of feelings after marriage, Xiao Huang's mother and father often quarrel, and her mother is very strong, likes to play mahjong, and often counts her father's not in front of others.
His father, on the other hand, was mild-mannered and not good at arguing, and after a long time he could not bear to move out of the house, preferring to live in a simple dormitory than to see his mother again.
After her father left, her mother once thought that Xiao Huang was the nemesis of the family. If she is not satisfied, her mother will beat her and scold her, and even rush to the street to beat her.
At that time, Xiao Huang swore that when she grew up, she would take revenge on her mother.
Later, her parents divorced, and she slowly grew up.
Xiao Huang's mother was ill some time ago, and when she saw her mother's weak body, she was very surprised that she did not have any feelings of pity for her mother.
She and her mother basically never held hands or hugged each other, they were the closest people, but they did not have intimate feelings.
The more often parents anger their children and do not know how to control their emotions, the farther the child's heart is from the parents.
In "Family with Children", there is such a plot:
Xiaoxue had a conflict with her father because she wanted to start a business, and she moved out to live.
When her mother, Liu Mei, was anxious because she was too worried about her daughter, Liu Xing suddenly appeared at the door of her house.
The resentment in her heart erupted like a volcano.
"Why are you going?" So late to come back! ”
"Got into a fight with someone again?" Someone buys you clothes, someone washes them for you, don't they? ”
"Look at your dirty face, I'm now like an old mother serving Min, can you let me live in peace?"
Seeing that his mother was angry at himself for no reason, Liu Xing could no longer bear it, so he said loudly: "Well, let you live in peace, I will move out." ”
After saying that, he turned and walked out of the house.
Although not her own daughter, Liu Mei is very worried about Xiaoxue, because she does not want to make too stiff with her daughter, and can only vent on her own son Liu Xing.
Teacher Fan Deng once said:
"Ninety percent of the parents scolding their children is anger, that is, their own frustration, their own sense of powerlessness, their own powerlessness, and their anger on the child opposite."
Everyone will face life problems, but transferring the problem to the child will not only not solve the problem, but also cause more trouble.
Long-term "anger" will not only lose the authority of parents, but also destroy the parent-child relationship and push the child's heart farther and farther.
Stable emotions and efforts to change oneself are the best love for children
There is a famous little story in psychology.
The wind and the sun compete who can take off the clothes of the passers-by, and the wind whistles and blows violently, and the result is that the passers-by wrap their clothes very tightly.
The sun shone with warm sunlight, and passers-by felt it very hot and quickly took off their clothes.
Therefore, as parents, we want to change our children, and we have to make changes in our hearts.
Bad emotions can only make people close the door of the heart, and good emotions are easier for people to open their hearts.
Fu Lei once said to his son Fu Cong:
"Child, I am afraid that I have learned no less from you than from me.
Especially in the past three years, you don't know that I have added a little more profound experience to life.
From the process of getting along with you, I learned patience, learned the skills of speaking, and learned to sublimate feelings. ”
Good parents should know how to see their own problems from their children and actively change.
The world is big, the family is the warm harbor, don't let that "angry worm" become bigger and bigger, hurting the people closest to you...
Less anger toward the child, more peace; less hurt, more love.
Treating children gently is the beginning of parenting romance.
Author's Profile: Yi Ming, Columnist of Fushu, Article: Evolution of Parents, the copyright of this article belongs to Fushu, unauthorized, may not be reproduced, infringement must be investigated, Fushu 2018 launched a new book "Good Life"