-01-
When a family is sick, there must be one or more members who manifest the family's illness.
And this person will often be the less energetic or sensitive, younger and unable to protect themselves in the family – our children.
The more vulnerable children want to play a good role and help their parents, the more the family's bad situation will remain unchanged.
When a child turns himself into a "problem child" because he cannot bear the pressure, it may awaken the parents to reflect on the family's cultural background and personal maturity.
-02-
The family, like all social systems, has its own rules and needs for existence and operation.
Families need a good pair of parents.
Only when the marital relationship between parents works properly can they raise their children with peace of mind and their children have the opportunity to grow up healthily.
If the relationship between husband and wife is not good, members of the family will be forced to make poor adjustments and use self-defense to protect themselves.
These immediate, automatic forms of defense hurt both oneself and others.
-03-
Many parents turn to for help because of their children's behavioral biases.
After receiving a series of counseling, it is often found that it is their marriage that has problems first.
As they grew up, they learned that their children's deviant behavior was meant to resolve the conflicts and pressures in their parents' marital relationships.
That is to say, children use their problem behavior to maintain the peace of the whole family, and they would rather become "problem children" and bring some help to the family.
And, they often succeed in doing so.
Mental illness (long-term accumulation leads to physical illness), behavioral deviations (hyperactivity, irritability, eating disorders, online dating, early love, dropouts, rebellion, inferiority, arrogance, depression, schizophrenia, etc.), are never separate, personal phenomena.
It is because the family itself is sick, and a certain member with behavioral problems is only the "spokesperson" and "agent" of the sick family.
Personal problems mean family pathology.
The pathology of the family system reflects the pathology of the entire social system.
-04-
When a child is born, enters the original family system, and becomes a corner of the triangular relationship of the family system, the child will also become the focus of the parental relationship.
Absent characters in the family system will be automatically filled by someone, and this person is often a child or one of the children.
If the mother is busy with her career, running around all day, and is not in the position of wife and mother;
Or if the mother stays in her teenage years, not independent from her parents, but takes the child to foster care in her original family, then because the mother does not play her role, the family will have a vacant (vacuum) state in the intimate relationship.
However, the family needs a full marriage, and someone must play an equal role with the father to maintain the marriage relationship.
As a result, the daughter may become the "surrogate" of the mother.
When dads are busy at work, perhaps children take on the responsibility of caring for the family, mom, and younger children.
Such a child becomes a "super principal" or "surrogate father".
-05-
If there are two or more children in a family.
One of the children will play a cute and funny role to please family members (especially parents), and such a child is a "pistachio" that reduces parental friction.
There is also a child who will play the role of "Superman", "Saint" or "Hero" in the home.
Always the first in the class, winning honors, and being elected class president, this child honors his parents and provides face for the family.
There may be a child who develops antisocial behaviors that express the father's (mother's) hidden anger towards the mother.
The child may not study, cause trouble, hyperactivity, melancholy, inferiority, his (her) problems may divert the conflict between parents, and even make parents close to each other because they are worried about him or her.
One-child families, often consisting of one child, string all these roles in reverse, with the only child taking on all the problems and needs of the family.
-06-
Because the father had a home outside the family, in the months when her parents were on the verge of divorce, the quiet, elegant, and excellent daughter who was in middle school suddenly declined in grades, was depressed, dropped out of school, autistic, and finally ran away from home and tried to commit suicide.
When the mother showed weakness to the father because of the daughter's condition, the two parents worked together to care for the daughter, and because of the blood relationship, the father finally returned to the family, and the daughter suddenly recovered.
The father was therefore full of emotions and deduced a story of "the prodigal son returns to gold and does not change".
The son of the family, who was extremely good in middle school and excellent in his homework, was elected as the class president by unanimous vote almost every school year.
In the second half of the third half of the junior high school, a few months before the middle school entrance examination, he had abdominal pain and diarrhea symptoms, which lasted for many months and could not go to school normally.
His parents took him to major hospitals in Shanghai and Beijing for examination, but they could not find the cause.
I had no choice but to leave school and re-read the third year of junior high school.
At this time, the family situation was: the father had a close girlfriend, often staying outside, and the mother was extremely distressed.
When the son's inexplicable illness affected the growth of the middle school entrance examination and the body, the father began to return to the family and treat the son with all his strength, and the relationship between husband and wife was eased by working together to care for the son.
At the beginning of the new semester after the summer vacation, my son recovered.
-07-
Such a child is the "scapegoat" of the family.
The "scapegoat" is usually the bearer and "agent" of the family's problems, and the family often seeks treatment for the child's problem, giving the family the opportunity to face the real problem.
It can be said that children provide positive sacrifices, contributions and services to the family.
Children do this out of family motivation, not personal choice.
Individuals in the family system have a tendency to fill the relationship in a "vacuum", and children are often candidates who automatically meet the needs of the system and the implied vacancies.
Everyone in the family is influenced by the parental relationship.
When family relationships are in crisis, individuals play multiple roles to adapt to stress and lose their true selves.
And the more vulnerable children want to play a good role to help their parents, the more the family's bad situation will remain unchanged.
When a child turns himself into a "problem child" because he cannot bear the pressure, it may awaken the parents to reflect on the family's cultural background and personal maturity.
-08-
Due to the unique national conditions of the mainland, the expectations and pressures shared by several children in the past are now borne by the only child, and children are more likely to have behavioral deviations and various physical and mental problems.
If the parents' marital relationship is good, it is good for the only child;
If the family is in a bad marriage, the only child will bear all the hidden problems.
In a healthy family, everyone plays a healthy role.
The role of parents is primarily to provide demonstrations:
How to play the role of a man or woman;
How to play the role of husband or wife;
How to play the role of father or mother;
How to cultivate intimate relationships; how to be a normal, healthy and valuable person;
How to maintain proper boundaries with others without doing things that cross the role
……
Children are the best learners, observing and imitating their parents' words and deeds with a body and mind that is three hundred times more sensitive to adults.
The child is the worst interpreter and expressor, he or she does not have the ability to construct a complete, logical, reasonable meaning, nor does he or she have a rich vocabulary corresponding to express everything he or she thinks, doubts, and curiosities.
As learners, children especially need guidance from their parents.
Identifying the problems that are unique to your own home is an important lesson for everyone.
Once we know the ins and outs of things according to the law of cause and effect, we can make some remedial measures. Anxiety in the home is not absorbed and borne by anyone, resulting in a "problem child," an exhausted wife (husband)," or a physical and mental illness.
The way to get along
There are interesting and interesting things and attitudes. Analyze the feelings of both sexes, the psychology of men and women, interpret the origin of love marriage and family, discuss the wisdom of getting along with friends in the workplace and friends, share love skills, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship, learn children's parent-child relationship, family education, and make your life more harmonious.
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