Text / Mother Moss Parenting Transcript
Internationally renowned psychologist Angela Lee Duckworth has found through years of research on adolescent character, including self-control, perseverance, communication ability, and reflective ability, that "perseverance" is the most important quality affecting adolescent development.
At the University of Pennsylvania, a higher grit test score allows students with poorer admissions scores to score high on the GPA. West Point selects 1,200 first-year freshmen for admission to the Beast Camp. In the end, it was found that admission scores, emotional intelligence, and IQ did not have much correlation with the selection results. The most precise criterion is "perseverance"... Numerous cases tell us that perseverance is the most reliable indicator of success than intelligence, academic performance, or looks.
Like China, there are many people in the United States who believe that the most important thing to succeed is the knowledge and skills. Therefore, parents and teachers often put a lot of energy into helping children learn knowledge, train skills, and obtain academic qualifications. Today, this research has greatly upended the perceptions of many parents and educators.
So, how can parents cultivate the quality of their children's perseverance? Recommend a book to everyone that American psychotherapist Alyssa. Nibson's Handbook for Perseverance for Children.
In the field of children's willpower development, this book is a classic. For 3 reasons, I think it beats 99% of the books of its kind on the market.
(1) Subverted the cognition of many parents to cultivate their children's perseverance
Cultivating the quality of perseverance in children is not to blindly make children strong. Nowadays, children's academic requirements are getting higher and higher, and there are various extracurricular interest classes, and the pressure is not small. Putting pressure on your child is likely to backfire.
I know that I have to persevere and work hard, but I still want to give up in my heart; what seems easy to others has become an unfinished task when it comes to myself... Author Alyssa tells us that these are all due to cognitive problems.
"Negative mindsets are not caused by real dilemmas, but from the way we perceive something in our hearts. When we think differently, our feelings and behaviors change. ”
Therefore, to cultivate children's perseverance, the most important thing is to first change the way children think.
(2) A systematic and complete perseverance training practice plan
The book's author, Alyssa, is a psychotherapist who has helped a large number of children with anxiety, depression tendencies, and low self-esteem and self-doubt out of the predicament of growing up. Therefore, the book "Handbook for Cultivating Perseverance for Children" has a large number of practical training programs. These training programs are all from Alyssa's years of practice on the front line and validating effective cognitive behavioral therapy.
It can be said that about the child's perseverance cultivation, the method you want, here are all. There's always one for you.
(3) The picture and text table is rich, vivid and interesting, especially suitable for parent-child reading
It may be the reason why Alyssa has been in contact with a large number of children on the front line for many years, and you will find that her books use a lot of tones to communicate with children, and the examples quoted are all very common small stories around children, and children have a great sense of substitution when reading. She also interprets a lot of her expertise in an easy-to-understand, vivid and interesting way. In the process of telling and following the good temptations, guide the child to become aware of himself and change himself.
Therefore, this style of book is very suitable for parents and children to read together. It can not only enhance parent-child relationship, but also better use these methods and techniques.
To share a few points that I think Alyssa interprets professional concepts and methods with particular humor:
1) Why is our brain often out of control?
When we talk about perseverance, we must be inseparable from the topic of self-control. A person who is strong must have good self-control.
Where does self-control come from? That's about the brain that controls people's behavior. The study of the human brain is a very professional and advanced field. Just from the interpretation of professional terms, it will make a lot of people dizzy. What frontal lobes, occipital lobes, parietal lobes, amygdalas, hippocampus, synapses... But in this book, Alyssa uses very vivid and interesting examples to suddenly let children understand why we are nervous, excited, discouraged, and evasive.
"There are two areas in our brains that are directly related to perseverance, one called the amygdala and the other called the prefrontal cortex. You can think of it as two little animals. ”
The amygdala is like a puppy, it is very well-behaved, always for your sake, to protect your safety. But he didn't know how to think, and sometimes he couldn't tell the difference between real danger and temporary pressure. Therefore, in the face of interference and pressure from the external environment, it is easy to start the mode of comprehensive defense.
Puppies are prone to making mistakes. However, learning from mistakes and growing can also help the brain become stronger.
The prefrontal cortex is more like a clever owl. Very good at thinking, solving problems, and making rational decisions. He can help us take on bigger challenges and is a true engine for us to develop perseverance.
In order to exercise perseverance, we must quiet the puppy. So how can you quiet the puppy? Alyssa shared the "Box Breathing Method" with us. Breathe deeply and slowly, your heart beats slower, your blood pressure drops, and your whole person relaxes. At this time, the rational owl can figure out what is really happening, calmly and rationally help us through the difficulties.
2) Beware, you are likely to be deceived by your own ideas
Human emotions and thoughts are a very important topic in psychological research. Cognitive behavioral theory tells us that people's emotions, behaviors, and physiological responses are closely related to their perceptions or thoughts about events.
Positive thoughts naturally produce positive behaviors. However, we cannot be positive all the time. We are often overwhelmed by negative emotions. When you feel particularly depressed, you feel like everything isn't going well. But the truth is, this may not be the case, and your current thoughts may not be the true thoughts in your heart. You're probably fooled by yourself.
For example, you participate in a speech contest, carefully prepare the manuscript, make a full rehearsal, and finally lose because you are too nervous on stage. You yell, "I'm never going to any speech contests again!" "Will this be your real thoughts?" Not. But why do you think so?
Alyssa tells us that the amygdala is making mistakes and emotions are stirring up water. At this time, if we want to jump out of the cognitive misunderstanding and make ourselves positive, then we must learn:
(1) Describe your emotions and express them
Psychologists believe that proper expression of emotions will make you feel relaxed and even gain a sense of happiness. This will bring you positive, positive energy and improve stress resistance.
When children realize that negative emotions are spreading in their hearts, teach them to talk to them, or express them in the form of drawing, music, or writing, which will make them get out of negative emotions and negative thoughts faster.
(2) Distinguish what is a fact and what is an idea
After the test results were announced, the table mate said very proudly, "I am all right, none of them are wrong." "And I didn't do well. At this time you will think:
"He's laughing at me!"
"He's such an asshole! Just trying to embarrass me! “
"He's so proud, I'm under more pressure."
In the above 3 sentences, which are objective facts and which are just personal inner thoughts?
Yes, only sentence 3 is an objective fact.
Many times, we tend to be deceived by personal thoughts and therefore amplify negative emotions even more. When we press a "pause button" on an emotion, you will find that most of the time, it is just your personal thought, not the truth.
Only by recognizing which are objective facts and which are subjective ideas will children be able to solve problems through layer by layer analysis and see the essence of the problem.
(3) Learn to say things that you recognize
Recognizing yourself is not easy. Especially when the child is in a state of irritability, disappointment, and depression.
Alyssa tells us some more effective ways. For example, you can try to think of yourself as a coach. How does the coach encourage people? Isn't it better to say something more practical and useful? For example, if you think about something very fulfilling recently, how can you praise yourself and encourage yourself?
Okay, now try to say these words to yourself. It is best to mention your own name when speaking. Psychologists have shown that this psychological cue will work better!
3, avoid the pit: "crying crocodile" thinking and "rainbow unicorn" thinking
There is a proper term in psychology called growth thinking. Children with a growth mindset are more optimistic, so they are more resistant to setbacks. This is countered by a negative, pessimistic way of thinking.
In this regard, Alyssa uses a very vivid metaphor in the book - "crying crocodile" thinking. This kind of thinking is terrible, and he will make everything look worse than it actually is. So, how do you teach your child to be aware of this negative way of thinking?
The book quotes psychologist Martin S. Thompson. The "3P Trap" proposed by Seligman tells us that there are 3 characteristics of "crying crocodile" thinking.
(1) Permanent, you feel that everything will not change, the situation can not change. I will always be like this, this is long-term thinking;
(2) Pervasive, a bad emotion that arises in a matter that spreads to all aspects of life, as if everything has become bad;
(3) Personal, looking at problems, there are too many personal speculations.
We need to change these negative ways of thinking. Isn't it true that the more positive and positive the way of thinking, the better? Nor is it.
Be careful, and the trap of "rainbow unicorn" thinking.
In the book, the author likens a too positive way of thinking to a "rainbow unicorn" mindset. This is the way of thinking that many parents usually instill in when their children encounter difficulties.
Children's academic performance is not very good, parents often take a lot of hard work to learn, hard work stories to motivate children. Just like the ancient Chinese head overhang beams, cone thorn strands, smell the chicken dancing, chisel the wall to steal the light. But such positive motivation is too detached from reality, it is difficult to convince children, and naturally it does not produce much motivation.
Write at the end
A book review cannot express the full essence of a book. The book "Handbook for Cultivating Perseverance for Children" also uses a large number of research cases to show us that exercise, diet, sleep, and play are all closely related to the cultivation of perseverance. We can try to use "immersion meditation" and "five senses rooted training" to help ourselves relieve stress, or we can try to use ourselves as an actor to empathize with the perspective of others and open up a new cognitive world...
If you want to know more, take your kids and read this book.