In the 70s of last century, Shanghai Art Film Studio released the animated film "Nezha Hai".
The story about Nezha must be familiar to everyone. Nezha returned his father with bones, cut his flesh to his mother, and fell in a pool of blood in white clothes.
This break with parents in the flesh reaches the pinnacle of traditional Chinese culture in the context of "parents who receive the skin of the body", which all rebels cannot reach.
In the face of the unequal discourse between parents and children, what he cut off was actually the ideological imprisonment of his parents who were physically affected, and today, the "Nezha plot" in the adolescent group still reappears from time to time.
"Actually, I didn't want to commit suicide, I pity my life, so I won't let myself die." Zhenzhen lowered her head and said to the consultant.
Zhenzhen, who is in her first year of high school this year, came to the counseling room with her parents for psychological counseling because she had self-harmed behavior.
Zhenzhen's mother told the counselor that Zhenzhen has been quite stubborn since she was a child, because she brought it to her grandparents before elementary school, and she was closer to her grandparents;
Later, when living with my parents, because my mother attached more importance to learning and was more strict with Zhenzhen, the parent-child relationship was not very good.
Zhenzhen believes that things cannot be easily changed, so she often clashes with her parents, at first just talking back and crying, and then going on a hunger strike.
And after a violent argument with her parents, Zhenzhen hid in the room and scratched her arm, and was sent to the hospital in time after being discovered by her mother, but fortunately the wound did not hurt the point.
As a result, her parents canceled Zhenzhen's cram school on weekends and often took Zhenzhen out to play, hoping to let her relax.
Later, because her mother signed up for a cram school during the winter vacation, Zhenzhen couldn't go back to her hometown to accompany her grandparents, and the mother and daughter clashed again, and under impulse, Zhenzhen's face as a mother scratched her arm again, and her mother had to compromise.
After that, the parents were worried about Zhenzhen's physical and mental health, so they persuaded Zhenzhen to come to the consultation room together.
Zhenzhen: "Actually, I didn't want to hurt myself at first, but every time I told my mother, my mother couldn't listen to it.
I knew I wasn't going on a hunger strike, but I really didn't know how to get my mom and dad to hear what I was saying.
In their eyes, what I do is fooling around, I am really desperate, I seem to be facing a door that can't be opened no matter how I knock, I really can't help it. ”
"We don't know what to do, why did she become like this?
We don't dare to say anything important now, at home she has the final say, she says what to eat and what to do, we all listen to her, and we dare not say anything, for fear of stimulating her.
What else does she want us to do? I have heard from other parents that their children have also behaved like this, and that this is now popular among students. Teacher, do you say she learned badly in school?
Wouldn't it be better if I changed schools? Zhenzhen's mother cried as she spoke, desperately hoping that the counselor would tell her what to do next.
In "The Winged Genie: Psychological Intervention and Prevention of Self-injury in Adolescents", self-injurious behavior is defined as an emotional management disorder.
Self-injured people generally use this way to dissolve the surging emotional pain, or to self-punish, or to seek stimulation or control others.
In many studies on adolescent self-injurious behavior, it has also been pointed out that emotional management is one of the functions with the highest proportion of self-injurious behavior reported by adolescents.
In other words, self-injury is a way for teenagers to cope and protect themselves in the face of surging negative emotions, which may be difficult to understand and accept, but it is useful for them.
So, what are the psychological motives behind their actions that harm their bodies?
01
The interaction pattern between parents and children, which children use to express emotional needs
How we experience and express our emotions is not an innate ability, but an ability to slowly learn and develop through relationship interactions.
When we first begin to "practice" this lesson, we begin in relationship interactions with our closest caregivers, and we are also influenced by the environment in which we grow up.
According to Linehan's biosocial model, an individual's emotional expression and emotional response will be affected by the family environment;
The ineffective family environment such as parents' neglect and abuse of individual emotions will increase the possibility of self-harm behavior in adolescents.
That is to say, the formation of inappropriate emotional expressions (such as self-injury) is related to the interaction pattern between parents and children, and behind the child's self-injury behavior is the problem of parent-child relationship.
In infancy, we express our needs and get our parents' attention by crying. If parents can appear while the child is sobbing to calm the baby, then the baby will not cry easily;
And if the parents only appear when the baby cries and cries for a long time, then the baby may subconsciously form this cognitive pattern: only if I cry loudly enough, the mother will appear.
When the child realizes that his crying cannot attract the attention of his parents and let his parents satisfy himself, then he can only choose a more intense way to express his emotions.
Since she was a child, Zhenzhen has always expressed her demands and emotions in a fierce way in her relationship with her parents, and used extreme behavior to resist her parents;
With the germination and development of the autonomy of children's individual consciousness, this kind of interaction will intensify the increasingly intense way for children to express their emotions.
When you come to adolescence, there is also a strong confrontation between parents and children, and once there is a conflict, either you "die" or I "die".
02
Revenge on parents, hurting yourself, punishing parents
There is a saying called "I can't hurt my parents, so I punish them by hurting myself".
Children who grow up under the education of highly controlling parents, the development of individuality and self-awareness is suppressed; In front of parents, self-feelings are completely suppressed, and the ego is subject to the will of parents.
At this time, the subject of "I" no longer belongs to him in his own eyes, and is more like an "appendage" of his parents.
One netizen described his "pressure to go to school, fast rush to class, parents always only study, I feel that they can't wait for me to remove all my emotions and become a learning machine."
Being in a period of high sensitivity and attention to one's own feelings, but having to submit to certain external norms, the more stress and problems this brings to adolescents.
Therefore, when they choose to self-harm, they are more like resisting their parents and punishing their parents, as if self-harm is the only bargaining chip that can play with their parents.
Australia's Dr. Mitchell believes that behind the self-injurious behavior of the adolescent group is actually an expression: I want to test whether you like me, I want to get your attention, I want to scare you, I want to take revenge on you, I am desperate.
They crave a relationship that gets noticed, and self-harm is about wanting to be understood, valued, and recognized.
For example, Zhenzhen in the previous case, on the one hand, she expressed her despair through self-injury, and more importantly, she longed for her parents to understand herself and see herself.
03
Avoid experiencing the negativity of the present moment
Some scholars believe that the occurrence of self-injury behavior is related to the negative emotions experienced by the individual, and many times, individuals who choose to self-harm are used in this way to avoid or escape their unwanted or disgusting internal experiences, such as thoughts, body feelings, pain, etc., the main avoidance of negative emotional experiences.
There was a boy in the sixth grade who was under a lot of academic pressure, and his mother would give him a lot of extra study tasks and ask him to complete them.
Every time he feels that he is unbearable, he will have strong thoughts of self-injury, and he will also use an art knife to scratch his hands, at this time, he will feel as if he is not so uncomfortable, and the pressure will be relieved. After that, he developed a habit of self-injury.
This is why many adolescents will engage in self-injury behavior more than once, when self-injurious behavior can help them avoid experiencing negative emotions, this result will reinforce the child's self-injury behavior, and over time, self-injury becomes an automatic escape mode.
According to a large number of self-retrospective self-reports on self-injury, most self-injured people reported that after self-injurious behavior, the negative emotions that were awakened, such as nervousness, anxiety, frustration, anger, sadness, self-loathing, stress, etc., were significantly relieved.
Therefore, when adolescents fall into strong negative experiences, self-injury becomes their first choice to get rid of negative emotions.
In the book "The Winged Genie", the author appeals: "Whether parents, social workers, or counselors, they need to see self-harm as a silent way for children to perform 'pain' or 'cry for help'."
Both of these shouts represent a valid request for specific support from the child. Once the child's underlying motivations are understood, appropriate support can be provided to effectively stop and prevent the spread of self-harm among adolescents. ”
When we find that the child has self-harmed, please avoid communicating with the child like this: "Others have experienced worse things and lived well, how can you die and live if you do a little thing", "Do others pay attention to you if you make such a fuss!" "Why are you doing this?!" You've made a mess of your life like this! ”...... Accusations and preaching words will only make the child more miserable.
And to ease their pain, you can communicate with them like this: "I'm worried about you, will you talk to me?" "If you want someone to talk to, I'm always here", "I want to know how I can best support you now?" ”......
In gentle and non-judgmental communication, encourage children to vent their inner emotions reasonably, give children patient companionship and comfort, and help children form healthy ways to relieve emotions and express emotions.
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