In the psychological counseling of children and adolescents, it is often received that some children who come to adjust due to behavioral problems, such as procrastination, grinding, passive resistance and other behaviors.
In the face of such behaviors of children, many parents have tried various educational methods - bitter mouth, Dun Dun teaching, ear to face, scolding, scolding, scolding. However, all efforts are thwarted by the child, the parents fall into helplessness, anxiety, and the child is helpless.
Guangzhou Listen and Speak Bar Psychological Counseling Center
Teacher Xu Wenjiao, a child and adolescent consultant, interprets
Xiaoyu, first grade of junior high school.
Parents feel that their sons are smarter, with middle and upper grades, but their personality is not good enough, they are more introverted in front of outsiders, they are not good at expressing themselves, they are grinding, they are relaxed with themselves, they are strict with others (classmates, teachers, parents, etc.), and they lose their temper and make trouble with their parents at home.
Parents hope to let their sons grow up through psychological counseling, improve their personality, behave more self-disciplined and self-controlled, and fear that their sons will become rebellious or worse in adolescence, and it is difficult to obey discipline.
For Xiaoyu's situation, her mother is more anxious and worried, because her mother is responsible for taking care of Xiaoyu's daily life and study, and her relationship with Xiaoyu is relatively close; her father is responsible for earning money to support the family, making decisions about family affairs, small things are not much managed, and father-son communication time is less.
For his parents to bring themselves over for psychological counseling, Xiaoyu just began to be more defensive, resisted the form of interviews, wanted to try a sand table consultation, but constantly said that he did not know how to do sandplay games, did not know what he wanted to put, very hesitant, repeatedly changed multiple themes, felt that time continued to pass, more and more anxious. The counselor feedback on this behavior of his, encouraged him to present the current idea in his mind, if there is any difficulty in the process, he can raise it in time to see if there is any way to solve it. Xiaoyu said that he could try it.
In the process, Xiaoyu slowly threw himself in, the sand painting gradually became fuller, and the story slowly became clear. However, because the time came, and he could only stop here today, Xiaoyu felt very frustrated, regretful, and constantly blamed himself, feeling that he should have done better and done faster.
In the next sand table consultation, Xiaoyu entered the consultation room and began to hesitate repeatedly in the selection of sandware, this also wants, that also wants, this is not good enough, that also has flaws, it is difficult to satisfy him. Based on the observed phenomena, the consultant interacts with Xiaoyu in time and guides Xiaoyu to express his inner feelings and thoughts in words.
In the first ten consultations, Xiaoyu was more likely to express various dissatisfaction with the outside world, such as sandware, sandplay, school teachers, classmates, etc. But he is very conflicted in his heart, after realizing his excessive negative expression, he will fall into self-blame and "self-reflection", feel that he should not say so, think so, feel that he also has many shortcomings, is not qualified to say others, and feels that he should be better and better.
He was very confused, he knew that he wanted to be excellent, he wanted to be better, but he always couldn't do it, he always didn't do enough, and even sometimes he wanted to work hard and couldn't lift his energy, he felt that he was very tired and tired, and he had tried his best.
The parents felt that Xiaoyu could not eat at all bitterly, and shouted tired without doing anything, and the two sides often argued about it.
For example, when he came back from school, his mother asked Xiaoyu to review his homework, he reviewed for 10 minutes to play for 30 minutes, his mother thought that Xiaoyu should seize the time to review more, Xiaoyu felt that he had worked hard to review, it was already very hard and tired. Mom felt very confused and angry: "You haven't done anything, tired of what is tired." I take care of you all day long, eat and drink well to serve you, and I have to be in a good mood to coax you to study, I didn't say tired, what are you tired of!"
For her mother, Xiaoyu feels guilty and angry, and the guilt is that her mother is telling the truth, she is indeed more hard, in contrast, she is not hard; The anger is that he really feels that he is very hard, that is, very tired, and his mother not only does not understand, but always nags.
After losing his temper with his mother, the guilt made him want to apologize to his mother, hoping to get her forgiveness. But after apologizing, I was angry with myself, thinking that I was very tired, my mother said this about me, I was very wronged, she should apologize to me instead of me to apologize to her.
This made him very conflicted, one moment feeling that it was his mother's fault, and the next moment he felt that it was his own fault. It's a very uncomfortable feeling, and it's going back and forth, and it's constantly coming out. In order to make himself feel better, he will play mobile phones, play games, brush vibrato, let himself not think about this matter, calm his mood.
But this kind of behavior is incomprehensible to parents, who feel that the final exam will soon be taken, and you are not only not good at reviewing, but also taking advantage of loopholes to play with mobile phones! Xiao Yu felt very breathless in his heart, and he also knew that he should not play with his mobile phone, but recently he couldn't help playing, and he felt very annoyed, very stuffy, and uncomfortable when he didn't play.
In the consultation, Xiaoyu realized that he had recently played with mobile phones, originally wanting to break himself out of the emotional entanglement with his mother in his heart, not to experience and bear the guilt and anger towards his mother, and did not want to let this emotion ferment and cause him to hate his mother and lose his temper with his mother.
Two weeks later, his parents reported that Xiaoyu played with his mobile phone less often, but he would read some extracurricular books instead of seriously reviewing, which was very disappointed and anxious. In the consultation, Xiaoyu felt that he had made progress, felt that he did not have to be obsessed with playing mobile phones to adjust his emotions, and would read some meaningful books, which not only eased his heart, but also increased his knowledge; It seems that the emotions that were unbearable before are not so strong and unbearable.
Xiaoyu feels that his parents have not changed, and he is indeed changing, doing things actively, has his own motivation and ideas, and the number of tantrums with his parents is also less, and he is still quite satisfied with his changes, and he feels that he will get better and better.
For the sand table he created, Xiaoyu also appreciated more and more. In the process of setting the sand table, from time to time self-affirmation, learn to appreciate themselves, "Well, I think this position is very good", "You see, this way to put them up, is not particularly XX feeling ah. ”
The consultant feels that Xiaoyu's self is constantly strengthening, and when he first began to consult, he often has a lot of dissatisfaction with himself, others, and the outside world, does not know how to present himself in order to make others (including parents, counselors, classmates, etc.) satisfied, afraid that others will criticize himself and derive his behavior of constantly criticizing others.
Now he can naturally show himself, like himself, and feel that others will like him; Be satisfied with your own efforts and abilities, and feel that others may also feel satisfied and comfortable; You can create a sandbox at your own pace, your self-control becomes stronger, you feel that you want to be faster, slower if you want to be slower, no longer as out of control and anxious as before.... These inner experiences also give him more motivation to achieve himself.
With the progress of the consultation, Xiaoyu's mother realized that she had too much uneasiness and anxiety about the development of her child in her heart, and always felt that it was "not enough":
You're not good enough
You don't try hard enough
You're not likeable enough
You're not good enough
You could have been better
You should be better (i.e. "you're not good enough right now, you should be better")
I have accepted your shortcomings in this regard, why can't you be better in that aspect...
These "not enough" in the mother's heart also make the child feel that the self-confidence is damaged and stressful,
"I don't know what I'm really happy with"
"I seem to be trying hard, you can't see, you don't think it's enough", the heart kept shouting: "I haven't worked hard enough, I've done ABCDEF a lot of things, you see." ”
When the mother still can't see the child's emotions and needs, or feels that it is not enough and constantly urges the child, the child has no choice, so she uses behavior to express rejection: "I will do it slowly, anyway, you either stare at what I have done, or propose more tasks"...
The mother reflects that she not only has such a psychology for her son, but also in other aspects, will feel that her husband's contribution to the family is not enough, her husband's participation in her son's education is not enough, and she often complains about her husband; Feel that the role of their mother is not good enough, worried that they do not give enough to their sons, and often pay a lot for their sons; Sometimes I feel that my wife's role is not enough, and I feel that I am not tolerant and supportive of my husband...
The mother has made some self-adjustment in this regard, when she has a similar psychology, she is aware of herself in time, and the places where she is satisfied with her son and husband increase, and she also begins to learn to affirm herself, and her complaints and anxiety are reduced.
Conclusion of Psychological Counseling in Guangzhou
Xiaoyu is still growing, and the current psychological counseling has only touched part of him. I believe that in a trusting and safe consulting environment and in a stable consultation relationship, Xiaoyu will touch himself more deeply and better handle his relationship with himself, with others, and with the world.
In the process of counseling, parents are also gradually changing their expectations of Xiaoyu, learning how to love their children better, and also cultivating and changing their inner unnoticed complexes. I believe that these efforts will eventually be rewarded!
Xu Wenjiao
Listen and speak about it Psychological Counseling Center - Senior Psychological Counselor
National second-level psychological counselor
Sandbox game consultant
Member of the Psychological Counselor Professional Committee of Guangdong Mental Health Association
Member of Guangdong Psychological Society
Member of the Psychoanalytic Professional Committee
Psychological consultant of "rights protection service station" of Guangdong Provincial Women's Federation
▼