"I really can't do anything with this child, he doesn't care about anything, he loves to escape." If he doesn't want to struggle and don't face it, what will happen in the future?! ”
Dad was annoyed by the situation of Le Xuan (not his real name).
Guangzhou Listen and Speak Bar Psychological Counseling Center Senior Counselor, Adolescent Psychological Counselor - Xu Wenjiao
[Affirm that due to the principle of confidentiality of psychological counseling, the relevant information of the visitor has been subject to necessary technical processing.] 】
Before high school, le xuan did not like to write homework, other aspects are good, smart and clever, learning in the middle, lively and cute.
But from the second year of junior high school, the grades began to fail to keep up, and I loved to play games;
In high school, the grades were a mess, there was no motivation to study, except for wanting to dress well, eat well, play well, and have a "no matter" attitude towards everything.
Compared with his father's anxiety and worry, the 16-year-old Lexuan was not in a hurry at all, "Anyway, the family has money, how can I not starve to death." ”
Angry, Xiao Jia's father said harshly, "My money, is my money, not yours!" I don't give it to you, what do you do? ”
Even if Dad jumps like thunder, LeXuan doesn't matter, after a few rounds of games, it is not quick to sweep away, and it is happy to eat and sleep.
Is LeXuan Internet Addicted? Not yet.
Is le xuan game playing well? Nor is it.
Dad feels that Lexuan has no sense of competition, it doesn't matter if he wins or loses the game, he doesn't know how to improve, he has played the game for several years, and the level is still average.
Mom thinks that Lexuan plays games because it is boring. My son once told her that "it's boring not to play games; it's boring to play games."
Lexuan also feels that he is not a fan of the game, casually playing blindly, not seeking a ranking, playing this today, playing that tomorrow, killing time, and having classmates to play with, not so lonely.
Teenagers who don't have any plans for life
For their future, Lexuan does not have any plans, it does not matter, lazy to think, feel that "just let nature take its course", do not want to be a successful person, feel that the effort is too tired;
I don't want to be too rich, I think too much money is useless, I don't have too much material desire, I have a kind of "how to do it" for life, it doesn't matter what game I play, I have to play it; it doesn't matter what I eat, I have to eat it.
A sentence of "let nature take its course" makes people admire the calmness of teenagers and also lament the helplessness of their parents.
A person, in the process of doing things, really worked hard, did his best, faced the result, did not force, "I am lucky, lose my life." In this way, it is "going with the flow".
If you think that "let nature take its course", you do nothing, you don't go all out when you should work hard, you give up too early when you should insist, you shrink back when you should be responsible, and passively wait for the result to appear. When the final result appears, if you can cope with it, you can cope with it, and if you can't cope with it, you will run away. This "going with the flow" is equivalent to "doing nothing" and "getting by and getting by."
Behind Lexuan's "let nature" is that his family constantly worries about the situation he has to face for him, and solves the problems he avoids for him.
In the face of the family's anxiety, care and arrangement, Lexuan feels that all this has nothing to do with himself, he does not have too many feelings, nor does he have any thoughts, "I don't want to think about it, I will talk about it later", so I live day after day.
Teenagers who don't bother to think about anything
Le Xuan is a little confused about the current state, but it is not painful for this, and there is no motivation to change.
His pleasure is not in realizing his own value, not in the pursuit of a sense of accomplishment.
He often said "it doesn't matter" and "too lazy to think".
◎ Why is he so indifferent to everything around him?
Surveys have shown that children who grew up in orphanages in Eastern Europe show symptoms of psychological deficit because they have not been treated well or badly, and they never express their demands.
The same symptoms of deficiency were found in spoiled children.
In a way, if the child is fed before he is hungry, that is, he has received the desire before he develops it, the child will not express his desire and will not be clear about what his needs are.
Lexuan got a lot of love and freedom when he was a child, and he did whatever he wanted, and he didn't do what he wanted.
He can not write homework, and his mother will "apply specially" to the teacher;
He doesn't want to go to school, his mother will ask the teacher for leave to take him out to play; he doesn't want to go to interest classes, his mother can help him withdraw from class...
From childhood to adulthood, he showed talent in many ways, but he did not stop at all, and none of them persevered to the end.
And, no matter what kind of he is, his parents will go to the bottom for him and find a way to get him into a good junior high school, a good high school.
Therefore, this is a teenager who never lacks love and satisfaction.
But his ego is a diffuse state that is not really constructed, because he does not know what the limit is, and does not construct himself in the collision of the rules and limits of experience.
Unrestricted children
Le Xuan Mom is a stay-at-home mom who accepts and understands her children very much and wants her children to live a carefree life without any unhappiness.
This stems from the fact that she loves her children very much and wants to give everything that is good and can be given to the child immediately.
At the same time, she is very afraid of conflict with the child, worried that after rejecting and not satisfying the child, the child will be angry and disappointed.
In this regard, I told her that conflicts and limitations are also needed and have a constructive effect on the child's self.
As an example, a 13-year-old girl told her parents that she was going to an adult bar with her "friends" for the night, and she promised her that she would be safe. If the parents are kind and firmly opposed, the child is very angry, returns to his room, and vigorously closes the door.
But we know in our hearts that even if this child shows her anger now, she is at ease, and she knows that there are still things she can't do.
On the contrary, if the parents don't say anything, or if the parents send a contradictory message to please the child, "It's okay if you really want to go, but we advise you not to go", the child does not know which impulses of his own need to be restricted.
When she grows up and feels the urge, she will be more afraid and out of control, because she feels that she will be "put into action" and it is difficult to control herself.
Adolescent self-uniform development
After entering adolescence, society puts forward higher requirements for teenagers, and the rise of adolescents' instinctive impulses will also bring them problems.
This gave them a big shock, and the diffuse self-constructions of past experience began to fall apart under the new shock, and they valued themselves more, but also less confused about themselves.
Their self-perception is shifting, and some people find themselves not as all-powerful as they used to be, seeing their own naivety, badness and powerlessness.
They feel that there are too many decisions to be made, too soon, they are lonely, they do not want to make decisions immediately, and they feel that time has passed and nothing has been achieved.
During this period, they wanted to talk to someone, and they felt that no one understood; they thought about it themselves, and they couldn't think clearly, and if they didn't think clearly, they were even more confused, so they didn't want to think about it anymore, they didn't think about it anymore. But instead of feeling relieved, they felt a sense of anxiety.
This anxiety stems from the fact that they want to protect themselves from anxiety and let themselves not think, and the consequences of "not thinking" and "too lazy to think" are that the things that should be thought about and solved are unresolved and have certain consequences. These consequences will come to him at some point in the future.
Some children respond in a negative way, so that they are not anxious, or turn a blind eye to problems, can escape, or isolate their anxiety, do not feel for many things, or swim in the online world, or forget reality in love...
But we know that this anxiety is actually beneficial, indicating that the child still has a certain sense of reality and can perceive the existence of his own problems.
This anxiety is also a motivator to adjust to the child and improve his or her ability to solve those things. When those things are really resolved, the anxiety naturally disappears and the child grows.
Xu Wenjiao