Recently received a message asking:
Our neighborhood is not sealed, and my children and I will go to the park to exercise.
There is no one on the road without a car, when I encounter a red light, I am ready to cross the road, who knows the child said vigorously, the red light can not cross the road. I was wondering, do I really need to make my kids follow the rules unconditionally? Do you also want to teach him to be flexible?
Thinking further, we all know that we have to make rules for children, but too many rules will make children become incapable of independent thinking and lose themselves? This question is very interesting, if nothing else, I took the opening scene to ask the friends around me, and more than half of them said that they could cross the street, I don't know what your answer is?
Before we get to that, we need to define the categories of rules. For me, the rules are divided into three categories, red is absolutely impossible to violate; yellow is a prerequisite that can be broken; green is flexible and free. If you look at it from this perspective, there is no worry in the message.
I guess I guess many friends will have doubts about the division of these three types of rules. There really is no standard answer to this. Then I will share my ideas with you today.
01
Red rule
The red rule is absolutely not to be violated. My definition is the life safety rule and our family's house rule. Take the example of the opening question, which is the red rule, which cannot be broken at any time, because there is always a case, and there is still a lot of news about such traffic accidents. I will never teach my children to "be flexible" in front of these rules, after all, life safety cannot be lucky.
In addition to traffic safety, this type also includes sports safety, sex education safety, anti-abduction safety, family life safety (holding a knife, touching sockets, etc.), which need to be continuously strengthened and strictly enforced.
For some families, it is enough to do this. That's in our family, and there is another bottom line that is the implementation of house rules. The reason why "house rules" are called "house rules" is that every member of our family will enforce them, not double standards. In our family, there will be two aspects of "outward" and "inward", "outward" In addition to life safety, my family rules also add "do not disturb others"; "inward" is the inheritance of the moral standards that we care most about as parents.
02
Yellow rule
Next, let's talk about the yellow rule, which is estimated to be an area where everyone will have more doubts. I'll talk about my personal opinion. For me, the yellow rule is that it doesn't touch on the first part, but does what is done is the default "praiseworthy" by mainstream values.
I'm not going to impose it like the "red rule," but I'm willing to discuss it with Little D. The reason for this is that I don't want Little D to be just "obedient", but I want her to be "sensible".
There is a difference between the two. If all the rules are demanded and indoctrinated, and there is no reason to say that they can only be enforced, then man's free will must be weakened, everyone has no thinking, only obedience, and the "self" is bound to exist. How do I define this? A simple criterion, the worst result of not enforcing this rule, can I afford it?
For example, I can't afford to run a red light, but I can afford the worst of the following "yellow rules."
Let me give you an example. Give up your seat, take the initiative to give up your seat to the elderly, the sick and the disabled, and I will list her as a yellow rule. After Little D got on the bus, we talked about this rule. The definition of the rules - the location in the bus is for everyone to sit on, on a first-come, first-served basis. But if you're sitting and you see an elderly person, sick, inactive, pregnant, or a child younger than you, you can let them sit, that's better.
Why do you do that -- why do you have such a rule? Because if you're willing to do that, the next time you get uncomfortable on the bus, or if you grow older, someone else will help you that way. The above two paragraphs are basically the template for my family's chat rules, and I will say the red rules. But for the "yellow rule", I'll add the following paragraph.
There are no exceptions -- such behavior is well-intentioned, it is good, but it is not coercive to do it. If you are tired or uncomfortable today, or if you take the initiative to give up your seat and the other party says that you don't need it, then you can not give up your seat. Such conversations often occur in our homes. Little D was also half-aware at first, but these words I said would still become seeds in her heart. The real story that my family encountered, once there was a little boy on the bus who had to give up his seat to a grandfather, and the grandfather just didn't want to sit, and the little boy cried. It was supposed to be a good thing, but everyone was embarrassed. At that time, I secretly reiterated the "yellow rule" of our family with Little D, and Little D remembered it and told me that if the other party did not need it, he could not give up his seat.
Similarly, it also applies to seeing others to call people, good things to share, seeing good friends have difficulties to help, and so on. These are all "yellow rules" in our home, and they are not mandatory. I'll tell Little D why it's better to do this, and in the end the choice of "do it or not" is in her own hands. What is their worst outcome?
Little D was said, no manners, no education, I can't educate, right? In the short term, I can accept such a worst-case outcome. And I believe that in the long run, when she really understands "why to obey", her willingness to comply spontaneously will definitely be stronger, and her "self" is protected. Of course, when choosing to do this, it also means that we parents need to be strong in our hearts and always remember our original intention of "why" this.
For example, when I especially wanted Little D to behave politely, she just didn't call; when I especially wanted her to share generously, she chose to refuse. When these things were placed at the gathering of relatives and classmates, I have to say that my face was still challenged, and I would be embarrassed and uncomfortable at that time, and I would also envy "other people's children" a little.
But I have always felt that the rules of moral character need to be "spontaneously" observed by a person, not "forced" by external supervision.
But that doesn't mean it doesn't matter, and every time we encounter something like this, we'll talk about it.
Talk about how you feel -- why not call people? Why don't you want to share it?
Talk about how other people feel -- you don't call him, uncle, how does it feel? You don't share the toy with her, how does Sissi feel? I have always believed that "human nature is inherently good", and the so-called moral character needs to be based on "empathy".
When a child is satisfied and feels safe on his own, but also slowly begins to think differently, these will be spontaneous choices, not compulsions. So again, in our home, these are the "yellow rules". And when I give Little D the "freedom of choice", her "self" will not be constrained, she will think about her own feelings and needs, and then slowly learn to understand others.
03
Green rule
Then finally there are the green rules, which for me are temporary rules, which are completely acceptable behaviors. For example, the kids were playing together, and one of the lead kids said, "We're going to find a long bar of items next." So everyone went to look for it separately. Halfway through the search, one kid said to a few other kids, let's not look for a long bar, look for a round one.
As a result, the lead kid yelled at the kid for breaking the rules. As a result, there was a contradiction between the children and an adult to arbitrate. For me, this kind of thing, I don't participate in the guidance, basically let the children solve it by themselves. Similarly, I played games with Little D, played board games, and said good rules that she didn't follow. I will not go on the line to the line, this child does not follow the rules, afraid of losing and afraid of difficulties.
Basically, I'll point out that you're breaking the rules, oh, it's not the same as what we agreed on before. But as long as Little D can convince me, even if it admits that the previous rules were too difficult, I want to change.
We can all negotiate and discuss and then reach a consensus. In this kind of "green rule", I give her full freedom, but I also need Little D to be able to clearly express communication, and the process itself is also exercising her independent thinking and dare to express.
There is no standard answer to today's article, what I am sharing is the output of my personal three views, which I have always done, and I have also educated Little D. Everyone's values and morals will be different, but I hope that at least after this "red, yellow and green" rule division, we can become clearer and clearer, how to help children establish a sense of rules, with awareness, with thinking, to parenting.
"There are two things, and the more often and persistently people contemplate them, the more they fill the heart with ever-renewing and growing wonder and awe: the starry sky above me and the moral law in my heart."