Intensive Reading Mom: Parents and children, maybe the quarrel will cause a rift, but love will definitely heal everything.
Author:Qi Ao (Parents Intensive Reading Author)
After chasing "The Rest of Your Life, Please Give More Advice" in one breath, I thought it was a pure love drama, but I was infected by the affection between the father and daughter of the Lin family and cried and laughed.
Teacher Lin in the play, like our fathers after 80 and 90, has the deepest love for their children, but expresses them in the most hurtful and awkward tone, adding many contradictions.
The Chinese style suppresses education, and the most hurtful words are given to the people who love them the most
At the beginning of the TV series, Lin Zhijie, played by Yang Zi, complained to his father.
Because her parents didn't go to her performance, she retaliated by going to a bar with her friends because "he didn't let me go to my side"
On the other hand, teacher Lin, who waited at home until 10 p.m. and did not see her daughter come back anxiously.
Although it is because you are worried about your daughter's safety, the words spoken to your daughter are: You are idle and have achieved nothing, and if you continue like this, you have to mix with social scum.
To be honest, this section is so empathetic.
Parents of our generation always want to use their own experience to make the best arrangements for their children, but they often use the wrong way, which provokes the child's rebellious psychology.
As host Martin once told his own story in I Am an Orator:
After taking the second place in the whole grade in an exam, my father got the first sentence of the exam paper and asked: Who is the first place?
After working hard, I finally got the first place, but I didn't expect my father to say again: Didn't I tell you about this problem? Wrong again?
Or the child has obviously done a good job, but in the face of others' praise, he will be too modest to say: the child is not good, but also have to work harder.
Yes, just like father Lin said when the father and daughter of the Lin family quarreled: I just look at your current situation and don't want you to take more detours. Dreams alone do not make ends meet.
This is probably the voice of many parents, but the Chinese style of "unspeakable love" is the standard of "other people's children" that can never be reached in the eyes of children, and the child's understanding will be "you don't recognize me".
And such a child, his growth, has become a confrontation with his parents. Either work hard to the point of powerlessness, or break the jar and give up completely, such a process is doomed to have no winner.
When the child wins, the affection between the parents and children is broken, and he may be more distant and high-flying, powerful and lonely; if the child loses, he becomes a puppet in the hands of the parents, no longer himself.
Why does home hurt people, please let go of the arrogance of parenthood
Psychological counselor Wu Zhihong once said: Love will only lead to good results, not lead to harm, and what causes harm must not be love.
Unfortunately, in the most loving family environment, parents have intentionally or unintentionally done harm to the people they love most.
Just like in the play, Lin Zhixue once said: When the identities of teachers and fathers overlap, it is the most terrifying thing for children.
For example, if Lin Zhi school gets up early and is late, Teacher Lin will first train her at home, wait for her to arrive at school, and then model her own children in front of everyone.
Because of the superposition of teacher identities, Teacher Lin hopes more than others that his daughter can also be his pride in school, and he will inevitably use excessive means to expect children to correct their mistakes immediately.
But education is the last thing that should be pursued in the pursuit of efficiency.
In the Indian movie "A Beautiful Life", there is a scene where the heroine Kayla leaves the table in anger because she is publicly accused by her parents.
When her brother was about to go out and chase her, another father said: You see, since her parents began to manage her, she has not failed again, so her parents' decision is right.
At this time, my brother said a sentence, which was very resonant, "There are thousands of failures, and all we can see is the tip of the iceberg."
In the unknown corner of the parents, how much self-struggle the child has experienced to show the "ideal appearance" of the parents may never know.
As parents, we only see the timeliness and effectiveness of "scolding", "harsh criticism", and "sarcasm and sarcasm", but often ignore the twists and turns behind this in order to obtain the "love" of their parents.
As parents, we often think of ourselves as "people who have come over", but we ignore that our children are also growing.
Therefore, in the face of children, you may wish to let go of the arrogance of parenthood and listen to what your children are thinking.
There will be cracks in quarrels, but love will heal everything
In the 3rd episode of "The Rest of Life", Mr. Lin, the father of Lin Zhi school, was diagnosed with mid-term stomach cancer.
In the face of life and death, the concern was magnified, and the father and daughter finally slowly let go of the previous "gunpowder" communication method.
Even before the operation, my father secretly bought a train back to his hometown, just to get the "100 things I want to do with my father" written down by Lin Zhixue when he was a child.
He also accompanied Lin Zhixue to "KFC", just because it was one of the 100 wishes of her daughter when she was a child.
Yes, when life begins to "count down", some words are not said, some things are not done, it is too late.
But change in upheaval is not routine, and in most families, quarrels between parents and children are inevitable.
In "Where Did Daddy Go 3", there is a scene where actor Lin Yongjian is in a hurry to rehearse the evening performance, but the son Dajun has been making small movements continuously, and everyone will stand and he sit down, and then climb on the bed again.
Lin Yongjian couldn't help but reprimand a few words, but at this time Dajun said, "Are you the devil?" ”
Lin Yongjian replied excitedly, "I am your father!" ”
But after saying that, looking at the way his son swallowed and vomited, Lin Yongjian regretted it and quickly found an excuse to hide out.
Father Lin Yongjian's reprimand is ostensibly for the discipline of the team, but in the heart, he actually hopes that his son will better participate in everyone's activities.
But loving children does not mean that we can express love in the right way. But fortunately, behind the conflict, there is a turnaround.
Just like Lin Yongjian in the show, he blames himself because of love, and he will also reflect on himself because of self-blame.
Later, he said sincerely: The child's poor performance is my problem, please give me time and let me study.
Parents and children, there may be a rift in the quarrel, but love will definitely heal everything.
Children who grow up in love have their own strength
In the play, a fierce quarrel broke out over whether to go abroad to treat Lin's father and mother.
But at this time, Lin Zhixue not only reconciled the contradictions of his parents, but also vowed to "become an adult and protect his parents."
Yes, love may be expressed in different ways, but it represents the same love. In the face of life and death, when we let go of excessive expectations, we can see each other's true heart more clearly.
So, what if parents can make their children feel loved through proper expression?
Actor Yuan Quan once told his own experience.
At the age of 11, he drifted north alone and began a 7-year long career in drama. In the first two years, because the progress of her studies was too slow, she was sensitive and inferior.
But now, after 23 years of debut, although there are not many plays, most of them are still supporting roles, but they are always "popular" because of their acting skills.
In The Reader, she once said that in the most bitter 7 years, the only consolation was to receive letters from her parents. And such letters, in 7 years, she saved a total of 297 letters.
In the program, a reply letter is shown:
"Parents understand you and feel sorry for you. We will never ask you to fight hard when you try your best to achieve your goal for the time being. Quanquan, remember, don't be discouraged in the face of setbacks, maintain a good mood, and cheer up. ”
To tell the truth, the trust, support and understanding of her parents in the words and lines can still be felt after many years.
So Yuan Quan said: "My childhood was without any flaws, full of happy memories. ”
Yes, because I have been loved, I am firm and firm in my heart, and I have strength in my heart, and it is easier to go all out when I choose.
So when she graduated, when the Central Experimental Drama Theater was selected, she was the only one who went. Although the drama actress will earn less and be less famous, she has also honed her acting skills.
Yes, a love that is appropriate enough to make children feel is full of power in itself.
Write at the end
In the trailer of "The Rest of My Life", Teacher Lin once had a monologue:
"Hurry up and grow up, Dad can't accompany you for a lifetime, I regret that I can only accompany you for a ride, but you deserve to be loved, and every journey in the future will definitely get more and better." 」
This is probably the inner monologue of every parent, hoping that the child can grow up independently and strongly, but because of anxiety and emotions, the child always does not choose to speak.
Wouldn't it be a pity if you missed it because of this?
If you can, I hope that as a parent, you can also say to your child: Child, I love you very much, so for the rest of your life, please give more advice.
About the author: Qi Ao, parents intensive reading columnist, the copyright of this article belongs to Fushu, unauthorized, may not be reproduced, infringement will be investigated
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