Cultivate the most interesting and practical psychology every day
In marriage, the lower the more humble, the more accessible, the more unvalued. Therefore, the combination of marriage relationship does not mean that it can be taken for granted, let alone be named "deep love", after studying and summarizing hundreds of unfortunate marriages, I found that men can not get used to it, the more habitual the more "muddy".
For a man, blind indulgence and blind satisfaction will first superimpose his sense of security, which in turn will affect his attitude towards marriage.
"Sense of security" was first proposed by Freud, referring to the risks or dangers that external causes may pose to the body and psychology, as well as the sense of strength and powerlessness of individuals in dealing with reasons, mainly manifested in emotional "certainty" and "controllability".
In a marriage, when a woman overlays the "sense of security" on the man, and the man gets a very satisfying sense of security in the relationship, and does not have a sense of crisis of the feeling, separation anxiety and signal anxiety, it will produce emotions of indulgence of feelings, which may cause consequences such as "marital infidelity".
When a man is "served" too well by a woman and "protected" too well, he will have a comfortable mood, thereby reducing the sensitivity to his wife's emotions, lack of crisis awareness, and the impact on the relationship between husband and wife is very large.
Because the family is the union of two people, only two people can be happy and stable family by paying together, and the clear demarcation of boundaries will sometimes make each other have the illusion of sacrifice, because in the relationship, women will be relatively more selfless, more soft-hearted, and even willing to give up some very precious things for their other half, even their own life.
When all the housework is superimposed on the woman, the husband will be called the illusion of "nanny", and even dignified, and it is taken for granted that this is what a woman should do.
Because "family" is not blindly tolerated, "feelings" need to be shared.
As emotional animals, when our basic physical needs are met, we crave love and belonging, and want to be cared for and cared for enough.
Especially for men, it is a manifestation of "dopamine", when personal needs are greatly satisfied, they will have a tired psychology, and try to meet their endless "dopamine" needs through other ways.
In marriage, the vast majority of men have no sense of family, the concept of marriage is poor, in addition to their own nature, most of them are habitual by women's innate "motherhood".
This manifestation can be explained in psychology by the Pigma effect. Simply put: "The actions, thoughts, words, and deeds of the people you love are largely carved out of you." "So in addition to the nature of the individual, the way two people get along is also a condition that greatly affects the concept of marriage."
This manifestation is especially thorough in women, because women's natural emotional compromise will be excessively paid in feelings, and even sacrifice themselves to show their deep enough love.
But the theory of "things must be reversed" can also be applied to feelings, anyone needs to use the balance of feelings to maintain the balance of strength between two people, love and mutual companionship is of course the basis of feelings, but this does not mean excessive sacrifice and endless compromise, take care of "men" as their own children, think that "men to death is teenagers" This is all false propositions, is the sacrifice of women's own biggest weapons.
For most men, they are "dangerous" animals themselves, and they are more like to explore "dangerous" things, which means that they will be more eager for passion and break through the siege in their feelings, so feelings must be precious, but excessive "spoiled" feelings will lose the essence of their marriage.
The phrase "the economic base determines the superstructure" also applies in marriage, when men have enough money to want to seek excitement, and when men get too much security in their feelings, they also become arrogant.
Therefore, a benign marriage relationship should be a joint effort of two people, and women should always remind themselves: "Love is precious, but it must not be excessive." "Never love too much, and leave some room for yourself to protect yourself not only, but also the stability of your marriage."
"Habit" is actually "accommodation", when men have a feeling that no matter what I do, you will not leave me, will relax the vigilance of marriage, similar to everyone is not very likely to cherish what has been obtained, this is also applicable in feelings.
This is both a characteristic of human nature, when men are "used to" to a very comfortable situation, they are not willing to return to the original state, and will take all this for granted, when all this becomes so natural, in fact, only women are hurt, and it is the real reason behind many tragic marriages.
Let go of the maternal care for "men", put away their endless "accommodation" in the relationship, treat the marriage with a more normal and calm attitude, and maintain a proper sense of crisis.
- The End -
Author | Tommy
Edit | Rain
The First Psychological Writing Group | A group of young people who like to look up at the stars
参考资料：Bruk, A., Scholl, S. G., & Bless, H. (2018). Beautiful mess effect: Self–other differences in evaluation of showing vulnerability. Journal of personality and social psychology, 115(2), 192-205