Previously, an institution in Beijing surveyed the psychological conditions of more than 3,000 middle school students, of which 56.28% of the "attitude towards parents", that is, more than half of the children voted for the strongest option: extreme disgust or hatred of parents. Only 4.75% of children said they liked their parents.
That is to say, among the 100 middle school students, more than half of the children are extremely disgusted with their parents, and the average number of people who have a good feeling for their parents is less than 5. The primary school stage is the best time for children to shape their personality and cultivate self-confidence, but it is also the most prone to mistakes.
In the daily parent-child relationship, many times, we are more preconceived about the child, thinking that the child's personality and conduct are good or bad, and then begin to label the child qualitatively from various behaviors in life, thinking that the child is obedient, or disobedient, resulting in contradictions in the parent-child relationship....
Today, let's take a look at how David Wash, who specializes in child psychology in the United States, has corrected the problems that his own son and other elementary school students have in their lives through encouragement. Hope to inspire you.
01
Be good at seeing the child's good side
While my son Brian was in fourth grade, my wife sensed the need to adjust the way our children were educated.
One morning I had just had another unpleasant encounter with Brian, and I was in a hurry to re-evaluate my approach, and my wife thought we needed to have a good talk.
We walked to a nearby café, sat down and started getting down to the point.
The wife spoke first: "The problem of the child's upbringing makes me very nervous. ”
Brian is smart and has recently become more and more aware of how to provoke us, as if he were going to test our bottom line at the first opportunity. Every day, in order to ask him to help with things, clean up things, talk well, control his temper, and be polite to others, I don't know how many big and small wars between parents and children will break out.
It's often said that children are more peaceful between the ages of 6 and 11 (the so-called elementary school stage), but Brian is not at all. Having been unhappy with each other for a long time, the wife said, "Now we're all negative with him, which worries me a lot." ”
"You're right, I'm angry and impatient with him all day long, and he's been testing every rule and bottom line we have." As we talked, we came to discover that both of us were stuck in a pattern of constantly paying attention to Brian's bad points—seeing only the unruly side of the child and ignoring his many strengths.
"Think about what it would be like if we only heard each other or colleagues point out what was wrong with us. If we only have negative interactions with our children, the children will also identify with him, and the parent-child relationship will only deteriorate. ”
From that morning, we decided to work together to stop reacting only to Brian's mistakes so that we wouldn't always limit and punish him. We go and discover Brian's good-natured side, praise him at the right time, and find opportunities to express recognition and praise for him, even if it is only a small encouragement.
This is not to say that our attitude towards him has softened. If he doesn't perform well, we still won't praise, let alone praise it, but we will pay special attention to whether there are moments when we can say thank you, laugh or encourage. There should be a modest balance between encouragement and restriction.
That was a turning point for both us and Brian, but fortunately my wife had the wisdom to keep the two of us sitting down to review it, and I am still grateful for that. Our positive interactions with Brian increased bit by bit, and we were able to get through his adolescence together.
Supposedly, I shouldn't ignore the negative interaction patterns with Brian, and the experience in the classroom has long made me realize how effective "seeing the good side of children" is.
I had a student named Angus, and everyone said he was hot-tempered and aggressive. But from the beginning I often looked for opportunities to interact with him, such as talking to him and other classmates at the end of class, joking with him, talking about his cross-country jogging. I don't know because I was able to notice his strengths, and he didn't have any behavioral problems in the two years he was in my class.
02
Habits become natural
It is natural for us to form certain views about our children, and these perceptions will gradually increase, and later become fixed patterns and affect our attitudes towards children. The psychological explanation is called "attribution theory."
In order for our brains to process the vast amount of information that constantly enters from the five senses, we must put similar data into the same path storage. The classification of such archives is carried out at the physiological level.
We set up the child's file immediately after birth, even before birth, depending on the pregnancy, after the file is set, two major psychological mechanisms will develop: cognitive consistency and cognitive dissonance, which complement each other.
Cognitive consistency means that we naturally assume that the information we receive is completely consistent with the information stored in our brains, and cognitive dissonance means that we filter out the information that does not match.
Attribution theory shows that our minds maintain consistency in the archives in three ways.
First, we only pay attention to the evidence that meets expectations, and ignore those that do not match expectations.
Second, when encountering ambiguous information, it is often interpreted in a direction that matches their own ideas.
Third, we expect others to exhibit a particular behavior, and this expectation itself increases the likelihood that the other person will behave in this phenomenon known as the "bimarone effect" or "self-fulfilling prophecy."
Psychologist Robert Rosenthal's classic experiment, in contrast to the Malone effect, proposes a strong evidence experiment by scheduling a group of elementary school students to take a standardized intelligence test, but telling the student's teacher before the test that it is a new test that measures the degree of progress a student may make in the coming year.
Rosenthal randomly assigns the scores of the students being tested and tells the teacher the scores. Teachers have high expectations for students with higher scores, but in fact those scores have nothing to do with the real performance of students, and at the end of the year, students with high expectations from teachers have indeed made great progress, and students who are expected to fall behind are not.
03
Attribution theory in the family
Attribution theory can also explain family interactions, and of course, the relationship between Brian and me. The "Brian Profile" in my head was filled with the message: "Brian is a big problem, always testing my bottom line." ”
After this file was built, I began to pay attention to the situation that conformed to this impression, but often ignored the information that did not conform, and I not only archived the negative information, but even encountered unclear situations and interpreted it in the direction of "Brian is a big trouble".
For example, if I shouted out the door and told Brian to take the trash out and he didn't respond, I would immediately get angry and conclude that he had deliberately failed to answer, even though there might be other explanations, and maybe he didn't hear me shouting at all.
If my wife and I had been expecting Brian to be unruly, that expectation would have come true. In the years since, I have advised thousands of parents at work, always urging them not to make the mistake of "making a fake" mistake.
4
How to catch a child behaving well when
We tend to fall into negative habits when we interact with children, so use the questionnaire below to see if you can catch when your child is doing well.
1. In addition to saying "Don't do it, do it...", I know that there are many ways to set limits for children.
2. I set a time limit to use as many affirmative sentences as possible, such as saying: "Please turn off the TV sound a little quieter, thank you", instead of saying: "Don't turn on the TV so loudly."
3. When the child helps, I will definitely say thank you.
4. I try to pay attention to praise the child more and criticize less.
5. I can avoid fighting with children or winning or losing by scoring.
6. I try to smile at my child every day and laugh with my child.
7. I will let the child know what I admire about him.
If you mostly answer yes, keep going. If many of the questions are answered no, it may be necessary to re-evaluate the attitude towards children as I did.
05
What is encouragement?
All introductory psychology classes tell us that positive reinforcement is more effective than negative reinforcement, and encouragement helps children develop self-confidence and knowledge that can reach their potential.
As the saying goes, honey is easier to catch flies than vinegar: in other words, positive incentives work better than negative corrections. What is encouragement so effective? Because our brains naturally love emotional connections, when this need is threatened, we fall into anxiety, and encouragement and approval bring pleasure.
But encouragement can't be empty compliments, and if it's just to encourage and keep saying meaningless nice things, your child will soon find that your compliments are insincere.
For example, if your daughter tells you about a small performance at school, and you immediately exaggerate to tell everyone in the family, or call your grandmother to tell your grandmother, your daughter may be very unhappy. This is true of most children. The child is very smart, and you can see that your reaction is exaggerated and insincere.
In addition, the child will know that his achievements are not so remarkable, and even decide that your words are not trustworthy, because you brag about a small thing as big news. Encouragement should match behavior, in which case a smile and a "nice" will suffice. You don't want to lose your child's trust.
06
Learn responsibly by limiting and encouraging it
It is important for children to comply with restrictions and bear consequences, and to balance them with restrictions when building self-confidence through encouragement.
Most families are now headed by parents, while children are busy with sports, schoolwork and activities, and are completely free of housework. But doing housework allows children to learn to abide by restrictions and bear consequences, and to cultivate children to have confidence in their own abilities and a sense of belonging to the family.
As the children grew older, my wife and I assigned cleaning and cooking to each person. When our daughter was eight years old, one Saturday morning it was her turn to clean the toilet, and she was trying to clean when I went to check it out.
She did a decent job – at least for an eight-year-old – but it didn't meet my standards. I watched for a minute, tried to hold back, and finally couldn't help but start helping Irene—at least I thought I was helping her.
But in fact it turned out to be me cleaning the toilet, while telling Irene, "It should be done." ”
She had nothing to do but stand by and watch. Soon she began to flinch and walked away in a few minutes.
A moment later I heard my wife calling me in the next room: "David! She had just been standing in the kitchen watching, at this point lowering her voice in hopes that her daughter would not hear.
I walked over and she said, "Do you know what you just did?" ”
"I'm cleaning the toilet."
She glared at me, "That's Irene's job. ”
"I know, but she's not doing a good job."
"So what?"
She's right. I chose the least resistant approach, and of course it was easier to clean it myself, because I knew that the results would satisfy me and would be faster than Irene'. But seeing the disappointed look on my daughter's face, I should have known that I was pouring cold water on my approach.
The wife said: "Which one thing is more important: a toilet that meets your standards, clean enough to shine, or gives your daughter confidence in her abilities?" That taught me an important lesson, and I had to let go of some of the standards of "getting things done."
Fortunately, my daughter grew up to be a very capable person. She is willing to practice, has a sense of responsibility, knows that she does not have to do a hundred points every time, it is important to study hard.
To encourage your child to exhibit positive behavior, follow these three steps:
The first step is to confirm what positive behavior is.
The second step is to tell your child that doing so is a responsible sign.
The third step is to praise the child.
For example, you can say to your first-grade son, "I saw you help Grandma plant the flowers she gave her on Mother's Day, and you're so good at helping her decide where to plant." I know her personality is hesitant, thank you for being so patient. Or say to the older son, "I noticed that you filled the tank before you got out of the car, very considerate, thank you." ”
07
Things to avoid when encouraging children
As children get older, it's sometimes not easy to tell when to encourage and when not to. We don't always want encouragement to turn out to be stressful for our children.
But if you pay attention to whether the child is seriously working hard, the child does not need to pursue extraordinary achievements in order to hear praise, the exam must be the first, and the sports must get a medal. The message for parents should be: "I care about whether you make an effort, not how many places you get." ”
Sometimes we will surprise ourselves, accidentally reveal the meaning of criticism, and inadvertently splash cold water on the child. I made this mistake when I didn't let my daughter clean the toilet.
Sometimes we interact positively with our children because we fall into these four misconceptions, and they are all great enemies of encouragement:
One. Derogatory
Belittling and scolding does nothing good, it only corrupts a child's self-confidence. Even if you have to correct the child, remember that what you want to correct is the behavior, and you must not humiliate the child. Holding a person accountable is not the same as criticizing, belittling, or shaming.
Two. Negative comparison
In everyday life, whether it is sports, achievements or behaviors, negative comparisons only send the wrong message. "Why can't your grades be as good as your brother's?" "Why can't you be as good as your cousin?" "This kind of speech will never make the child improve, it will only create resentment among the family and relatives, and make the child believe that you think he is not good enough."
Three. Do what he can for your child
In many cases, parents do too much for their children. For example, we will help the child to dress and tie the shoelaces because of the hurry, although the child will already do it; or we will help the child to do the work of helping him set the dishes and chopsticks so as not to break. This may be done to help the child, but more often than not only because it is easier and faster, the child will not only think that he is incompetent, but also does not have the opportunity to test his ability and learn new skills.
Four. Overprotected
Encouraging children is not just by words, but also by behavior. Even if you often praise your child, overprotection will still make your child less experienced with actual learning, meaning you don't think your child is capable. Character, perseverance, and willpower are all used more often to thrive, and allowing children to learn from trial and error is an important way to encourage.
During the toughest years of adolescence, children need counseling, support, good role models and, most importantly, understanding.
I hope that we parents can inject the best of ourselves into the last period of time that our children get along with us, so that they can grow up mentally healthy and confident, and truly achieve children's puberty and parents do not quit.