Why are those "good children" who obey the rules and strictly demand themselves always have no popularity?

Author: Orange

Source: Tell Us (ID: mykidsstory)

Some readers and friends asked me that the three-year-old girl in the family is particularly fond of managing things, and when getting along with her friends, she will always use some of her parents' standards for herself to demand others, such as not allowing her to jump in bed and not drinking Coke. When children go to play at home, she will also maintain the things in the house, this can not move, that is not allowed to touch and so on, only others must be satisfied according to her will. Of course, the little girl is usually a very well-behaved child, but the mode of getting along with the little partner makes the mother a little worried about the child's future socialization.

This question especially made me feel empathy, and it suddenly evoked my childhood memories: I clearly remember that when I was a child, I was particularly fond of managing people, especially loving people. For example, during recess exercises, I see that someone around me can't move properly or in the wrong direction, so I am particularly anxious and keep telling the other party that you are not doing the right thing and need to change. Invited the child to play my electronic keyboard at home, and as a result, she was only allowed to learn to watch me play, and if she played it herself, I was resolutely forbidden. The most exaggerated thing is that once, a friend of my mother came to my house to get something, because she was in a hurry, so I did not take off my shoes and stepped on the dirty floor when I entered the house, and I was cruelly disgusted in front of my face, so that my mother was very faceless...

Of course, I am a person who is more intimidated, and I will not dare to care every time I see something wrong, but if I don't say it, I will also hold back an internal injury. In fact, the question of "others are not obedient" basically plagued my entire childhood and made me feel very uncomfortable all the time: Why can't everyone be a good child like me?

This problem probably lasted until I graduated from elementary school, and finally I gradually found that it was unrealistic and annoying to ask others to do so, and I learned to tell myself not to talk much.

Because of these personal experiences, I think that the performance of the child as a "love person" will not last forever, and sooner or later she will be educated by reality, and if she finds that this does not work, she will change her strategy. What I want to say is that if a child who is very well-behaved in his own right always shows a particularly harsh tendency toward others, it is actually a warning to his parents: it shows that the child himself is usually too badly managed by a billion points.

Because children interact with others, they are learned from their own biological parents. If parents usually treat their children with more relaxed requirements, are tolerant and forgiving about the mistakes he makes, and ask him to do anything to discuss and explain, the child will naturally be so friendly and generous to others. But if parents are particularly strict with their children, most of the interaction modes usually tell children that you can't do this, that you can't touch, and don't let go of this negative word on your lips, and the child will definitely throw this set to the small partners around him intact.

At this time, if you teach your child to be friendly and polite and not to worry too much with others, she will only feel aggrieved and unbalanced: I came according to your request, why am I still wrong?

Of course, in addition to the family environment, this phenomenon of loving people is also related to the personality of the child itself, if it is a more stubborn and particularly assertive child, as soon as there is discomfort, it will make a revolution with the parents, naturally it will not be this type. But children like me, who have a relatively weak personality, especially care about evaluation, and especially like to please the authority of their parents, will really work extremely hard to be a "good child", and they are very proud to do it easily, and at this time it is easy to have an illusion of "I have mastered the universal laws of the universe", feeling that they have a superhuman power to uphold justice, and have the responsibility and obligation to let the small partners who are out of order return to the right track and let the world return to a perfect appearance.

Since you are a superman, you must be nosy!

So under the joint action of external and internal factors, this kind of "good child" will always want to blame the little partner and correct the little partner, because she feels that she is doing the right thing, and this thing is very important, it must be done, my mother and father teacher said, then can there be a mistake?!

It is conceivable that such a child who loves to manage people is not very popular, and more sensitive children may clash on the spot, even if they encounter personalities that are more careless, they all obey at that time, but they will feel pressure when they get along for a long time, and naturally they are gradually unwilling to get along with such partners.

Then the "good boy" will wonder about his poor social situation: Why don't my friends agree with me? I must be not good enough, I want to work harder, be a better good child, let everyone think I am so good, then everyone will like me!

Such attribution must be the opposite, and the result is that the stricter you are, the more inclined you are to blame others, and the more unpopular you are.

So you will find that those excellent children who are particularly pleasing to the teachers and parents are easily rejected by their peers, because she is too attached to the standards set by adults, thinking that holding this set of standards has some kind of power to control others, but never understands what the friendly and sincere interaction between people should look like.

Of course, such a good child will grow up and gradually find that it is unpleasant to manage others, and will know how to avoid it, but her behavior pattern of "trying to maintain her perfect and correct personality all the time, and always caring about whether others are wrong" is difficult to change. In the long run, the "good child" will exhaust himself on the one hand, and on the other hand, he will make the people around him unable to relax, and it is difficult to obtain a real sense of happiness.

So, how to get such a "good child" out of this "strict self-discipline and strict treatment of others" behavior pattern?

Of course, it is best not to give the child too many too strict rules, grasp the big and let go of the small, even if you make mistakes, don't react too much, forgive the child more, let the child's life be more relaxed and more room for trial and error, she will not be so entangled with others right and wrong. In fact, this kind of child is already very good at demanding themselves, doing things will not be too out of line, parents can actually let go more, give their children more freedom.

Of course, some parents have this behavior pattern themselves, and strict requirements for children have become a habit, which is difficult to change. In fact, we don't have to change the entire way of education, the rules are set and do not have to be overturned, as long as you pay attention to the time when you are in a good mood and have more energy, deliberately create a relaxed atmosphere between you and your children:

Stipulate that there is a period of lawless time every day, control yourself not to correct any behavior that the child does, do not point out any of his mistakes, accompany the child to do some out of line things, such as making a dirty mess, making some and jokes, and the child rolling and playing, so that the child knows what it is like to really make people easy and happy interaction, and the child can learn the skills of mingling with the friends.

In addition, usually train children to recognize their emotions and feelings, encourage children to say their emotions and feelings, and express understanding, which will increase children's empathy ability. Have enough empathy to learn to push yourself and others: I was very sad when I was disciplined, and I didn't want to make my friend sad, so I didn't treat him like this.

When the child himself is treated gently, he will naturally be gentle and easy-going to others.

Traditional discipline is always easy to focus on those children who are disobedient, but it is easy to ignore those who are good children. In fact, the child is an independent individual, and there must be many ideas and positions that are different from those of parents, and it is normal to be less obedient. However, if the child shows special rules and consciously demands himself strictly according to the standards of his parents, it does not look like a child should have.

Although well-behaved children seem to be very carefree and sensible and even excellent, it does not necessarily mean that the education is right, and some parents' years are quiet, which may mean that the child is carrying the weight instead of you.

Finally, may we good children and well-behaved children let go of some inexplicable obsessions, reconcile with this imperfect world, and live a little more relaxed!

This article | edited