Two days ago, when I watched the live broadcast of Xingzhi Famous Teacher Beichen, I saw a very interesting phenomenon.
Most parents brush up on various "questions" in the comment area, basically around:
Teacher, hello, I studied very hard to solve the child's problem, but tried many times without effect.
The child does not study hard, procrastination is serious, he still has many reasons, the grades have been declining, how to communicate the most effective?
I read a lot of education and knew that parental change should start from myself, and I also wanted to change, but I couldn't do it.
Parents who educate their children are often in a state of powerlessness to change their children.
The first case is:
Most of these intellectual truths and goals are thoughts in our minds, and they belong to the conscious part of our minds.
But consciousness only makes up about 10 percent of our minds, while the subconscious mind makes up 90 percent. We hope to direct 90% of the subconscious mind through these 10% ideas, and naturally some of them are not enough, and often the plan is still in the process of being formulated, and they have already retreated.
Another case is:
We did it, but after trying several times and finding that the effect was not good, we simply gave up, and we could not say that the method was not right because the effect was not obvious in the short term, and then we did not try again.
In either case, parents need to be clear: it's not that you're bad, it's not that you're incompetent, it's just that you haven't found the right way.
If you want to change the state of mental weakness, where can parents improve and deliberately practice from which 4 "to"?
Step 1: Heart to heart
Do you believe you can educate your children well?
Most parents' answers are very bottomless, and even feel that "Hey, that's it anyway, it's not good to teach." "In a state of self-abandonment.
We say that the first step in educating children is to believe that they can do it, can teach well, and believe in the power of belief.
In the education industry, there is a classic saying: problem students often come from troubled families.
The child is a copy of the parents, your good and bad he will copy it, his initial imitation and learning object, is the parents.
If there is a problem with the photocopy, it must be the original that must be repaired first, and the original is good, and the quality of the copy is naturally high.
So if we want to change our children, we must first change ourselves and move in the direction of becoming wise parents.
Believing that we can change and find strength, with such a "sense of competence" and "qualification", our actions will have motivation and direction.
Step 2: Ear to Ear, Eye to Eye
When you see children, do you see more good parts or more deficiencies?
As the saying goes, "There are 1,000 Hamlets in the eyes of 1,000 readers."
Even the same people, the same things, are different in the eyes of different people. Parents' perceptions and perceptions determine your later behavior.
The second step for parents to change themselves is to see the child's good side, rather than magnifying the child's shortcomings.
We often say that being picky is often easier than praising.
Because people are more instinctively willing to talk about what they want to say than they talk about what others want to say. Especially when you're feeling unpleasant, it's much easier to criticize and blame others than it is to understand someone else's point of view.
And people who are too picky, the advantages are also easy to treat as shortcomings.
So this is not so easy to change, it requires parents to practice constantly, to hear and see things that match your goals, for example: children spend less time today than before playing on the computer; writing is more neat and tidy.
Parents should use the eyes of discovering beauty to constantly encourage and appreciate their children, so that in fact, the distance between you and your children is also getting closer.
Step 3: Mouth to mouth
Language is a double-edged sword, and we may not think that the way we speak is violent, but our language often causes pain for ourselves and our children.
Although it is only your "unintentional mistake", it may have a lifelong impact on your child.
So the third step for parents to change themselves starts with controlling their mouths.
Parents often know the truth, but the words change when they come to the lips, this is because people have "language inertia", precipitated speech habits for more than ten years, it is difficult to change in a short period of time, and this inherent model will drag us down, consume us, and limit the occurrence of change.
When parents speak, they must not only control the degree of goodness, but also speak in place, which requires repeated and deliberate practice of what they say and change their previous language habits.
Step 4: Do it
Say a thousand, say ten thousand, and finally do it.
We have all heard the story of Zhao Kuo talking about soldiers on paper during the Spring and Autumn Period and the Warring States Period, although he was familiar with military books since he was a child, and talking about war is endless, but he lacks actual combat experience and does not know how to be flexible and flexible, and as a result, he was defeated miserably in the Battle of Changping.
Similarly, a parent who only knows the truth but has no experience can hardly educate his children.
When we were young, we watched "Journey to the West", and we may all be curious about why Sun Wukong didn't send his master directly to the Western Heavens with a douyun, isn't it faster?
The meaning expressed behind this is that practice is greater than others, and only if you have personally experienced the "ninety-nine eighty-one difficulties" can you grow, and the "True Scriptures" have meaning.
When we say change, we don't just talk about it verbally and the brain knows it, but we have to translate it into concrete behavior and make changes in person.
Of course, we pay attention to a few points when doing it:
1. Practice deliberately
Parents need to repeat deliberate practice and do it consciously, not just try it out.
2. Accumulate less into more
Change doesn't work once, nothing happens. Parents do not expect great changes, but only need to accumulate the feedback and strength brought by each "small step" to enter the child's heart step by step.
3. Timely review
The first time you do it and do it a lot of times the effect is definitely different, parents need to record it at all times: how you did it, what kind of performance you had, what kind of reaction the child reacted to, what you plan to do in the follow-up, and what adjustments are made.
If you do this "4 to", I believe it will be of great help to you.
What parents have to do is be aware of the real change in their actions – making adjustments from their mouth and eyes.
I hope that everyone can exercise and change themselves from the heart to the ear, the eye to the eye, the mouth to the mouth, and the four aspects, and slowly improve their relationship with their children.