Think about the question: Home, what should it be like?
I think everyone feels that home should be a haven. When we are tired, home can give ourselves warmth and hugs; when we are lonely, home can give ourselves companionship; when we are helpless or wronged, home can give itself understanding or comfort.
But in real life, many people never feel at home in their lives.
Just like Zane in the movie "How to Be Home", at the age of 12, he became the "pillar" of the family early, not only taking care of his younger siblings every day, but also doing odd jobs to earn a supplementary home. For him, home is a burden, not only can not shelter from the wind and rain, even the most basic survival problems are difficult to guarantee. Because his parents are irresponsible and only care about having children, they don't care about raising children.
The film tells the story of a family of Syrian refugees in a slum in Lebanon. The main content is based on the real experience of the male protagonist Zane, who is played by himself, and he changes his fate through this role.
But there are many children who do not have a "home", not as lucky as Zane, how should they live?
Today we will talk about it.
01
Some people have homes though,
But it didn't feel like home
In the film, Zane can't go to school because his father wants him to work for the landlord; Zane has no good place to live, the family is crammed into a small room, and can only lie on the ground when sleeping; Zane has not enjoyed the pampering of a child, he endures the constant scolding and beatings of his parents, and Zane, who is forced to grow up, becomes a "little adult".
Perhaps the parents in the film are more different, but in real life, many parents are also more strict, they require their children to do things according to their own ideas, such as when to get up, grades must be excellent, etc., otherwise they will not love their children well.
These children, who grew up in an environment of conditional love, must keep struggling, making fewer mistakes, and making more money in exchange for a sense of security.
They have parents, they can have lovers, they can have children, they have a house and friends, but they never feel at home.
My family is there, but I feel like an orphan.
Like Zane in the film, he was originally closest to one of his sisters, Saha, but when Saha was forcibly sold, Zane became deeply desperate for his home and chose to run away from home.
It can be seen that although some people have a home, they do not have the feeling of home.
02
Subconscious self,
There is no freedom at home
Many people have not been unconditionally loved by their parents, so subconsciously they have no freedom at home.
Just like the children who act according to the requirements, rules, and "absolutely right" views of their parents, they learn to look at the color, be careful, and always worry about not doing well, afraid of being rejected by their parents and others.
A friend of mine was like that. In her 30s, when she returned to her parents on holidays, she still couldn't be "willful" because her father demanded a lot of things from her, such as not closing the door during the day, not sleeping in the morning, and doing housework at home.
And these requirements that do not consider the situation are high requirements, so that children feel stressed.
Zane in the film, although he has his "freedom", this freedom is limited to him running away from home, having to do housework when he is at home, taking care of his younger siblings, and not living like a child of his age.
Zane has been bearing everything he shouldn't have had, and he has a short, quiet life after he runs away from home, and during that time he is allowed to live as a child, that is, after he meets Rahir, a black Ethiopian worker, he lives with her and her son Jonas.
But the good times didn't last long, Rahir was arrested for expiring his passport, and Zane had to live a difficult life with the month-old Jonas.
Children like Zane who are deprived of their childhood are lonely inside, their emotions are missing, and they naturally have no sense of home.
03
Parents create a warm and loving family atmosphere,
It is the best love for children
If we ourselves have never felt at home in our own lives, we cannot give others the feeling of home.
Just like Zane's father in the film, after facing Zane's accusations against himself, he defended himself: "I also came this way when I was a child, how can this be my fault?" If I had a choice, I would have done better than you. ”
Did he really have no other choice?
No, it's just that he chooses to evade his responsibilities.
There is a law in psychology called "identifying with the attacker", which means that we will become the people who hurt ourselves. Like Zane's father, he became the parent who hurt him. This is also what psychoanalytic theory calls "reincarnation."
Unlike Zane's father's approach, Zane chose to sue his parents because they gave birth to themselves, which is the strongest indictment of their parents' failure to raise themselves well.
Many people choose to end their lives because it is more comfortable to leave than to live, because they can't decide themselves while they are alive, but at least they can make their own decisions about whether to live or not.
As Zane said, "I live in hell every day, suffering. Why is fate torturing me? I thought we would grow up, grow up to be good people, be respected, and be loved by many people, but Allah didn't want us to be like this, he wanted us to be trampled under our feet like a carpet. ”
When a person is tired and cannot rest and cannot live freely, the person will be full of depression and despair about life, and this is the feeling of not feeling home.
As a parent, the best love for your children is not to eat well and live well (of course, this is also very important), but a warm and loving family atmosphere.
04
Write at the end
The adverse effects of the family of origin on the child may last a lifetime.
Although the parents in the film are more extreme, their neglect of their children is worthy of deep consideration by many parents.
Some parents here may have doubts that if they don't set rules for their children, children will become pampered, but this is not the case, because the way to love someone is to treat them as if they were themselves.
As a parent, on the one hand, we must reflect on our own practices, whether we have the feeling that our children have lost their home; on the other hand, we must believe that human nature has upward potential, believe in ourselves, and believe in our children.
If you, as an adult, have not yet felt at home, and have been living lonely, depressed, and confused, then give yourself a home.
When we were young, we were not really warmed, but when we grew up, we could warm ourselves, try to let ourselves go, allow ourselves to fail, allow ourselves not to be excellent, allow ourselves to be willful, and then we were our own harbor.
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