The sixth season of "Our Life" began airing, and as the final season, the show currently has 6 episodes, and it still maintains a high score level steadily.
The warm, touching tone has not changed, and Pearson is still the family that lets the audience drink sweet lemon juice in the sourness of life.
The love and affection presented in this film have touched many people. Especially in the case of parent-child relationship, whether it is Jack, Rebecca, Randall, Beth and others in the play, their parenting methods may not be the same, but they are all recognized as good parents.
However, the first few episodes of the sixth season have some plots involving "parents vs. adolescent children", and the battle makes me a little suffocated.
A few years after Jack's death, when Rebecca managed to get her life back on track with her three children and plucked up the courage to accept a date from someone else, her daughter couldn't stand it and called her mother a "slut".
Randall and Beth's adopted daughter, Deja, lied to their parents about going to a friend's house for the night, only to take a six-hour bus ride to meet her boyfriend and have a relationship with him.
After her parents learned of this unexpectedly, Deja made an even more absurd plan: to end high school early and move to her boyfriend's city to live together.
The daughter is only 17 years old, and even if she finishes high school classes ahead of schedule, but gap year moves to live with her boyfriend, even parents like Randall and Beth who adhere to the "love and freedom" parenting philosophy can't agree.
The daughter said it didn't make sense, and the old father went to do the little boyfriend's ideological work.
First "rainbow fart" the other party, and then XiaoZhi analyzes the interests with the other party with affection and courtesy,
As a result, he was "counter-killed" by the other party with a few words.
What if the little boyfriend is a Harvard high-achieving student? He was a year or two older than Deja, and he was an adolescent boy.
It seems that no matter how warm the emotional drama, as long as there are adolescent children, they can also become "horror films" in seconds.
How hard is it to raise a baby in adolescence?
Parents who have experienced it have a handful of bitter tears
Recently, I saw a help post on a forum where a mom asked how to chat with her middle school son to the effect that:
Her son and she used to talk about everything, and even whoever girl she liked would tell her.
But after the first year of high school, he ignored her love and answered, and every day except for school, he held his mobile phone, played games, played on the computer, and chatted with his peers.
She wanted to talk to her son more, and the child's eyes were full of resistance and disgust.
Now, the only common topic she and her son have in common is asking him what he eats for three meals a day...
This mother originally posted to find immortal medicine, but she did not expect that the following post became a person with the same fate:
"If you can't talk, you'll be at war."
"I broke down many times, read the book, adjusted myself (that is, only grasped the big and let go of the small, more shut up), and now both sides are much better." 」
"In addition to asking me to pick me up and ask for money, my son usually talks like gold, and when he touches him, he will explode." My daughter will talk to me about everything, but she is emotionally unstable and can only go along with the hair. ”
The parents of adolescent children, like servants in the palace, live cautiously and full of grievances.
"Reluctance to communicate with parents" is a typical "symptom" of adolescence and is acceptable. Some adolescent children are not as simple as "cherishing words like gold", and the degree of rebellion can make the whole family turn upside down.
I once saw the more terrifying side of adolescent children in real life in the CCTV documentary "Mirror".
Zhang Zhao, 17, fights, skips class, and frequently touches the "high-voltage line" of the school since his sophomore year of high school.
In the third year of high school, Zhang Zhao dropped out of school directly because of love, during which he also took his girlfriend home. After being opposed by his parents, he even kicked them out of the house and beat his father back.
There is also a 14-year-old boy named Zeqing, in front of outsiders, he looks quite civilized and polite, but he did not expect to be a violent maniac.
At home, his mother's concern became in Zeqing's mouth; when he lost control, he once pulled his mother's hair, desperately beating, scratching with his fingernails, and even picking up a knife...
Children who can stage such a drama drama have long gone beyond the scope of ordinary adolescent rebellion. They certainly have more hidden and serious problems in psychology and family education.
These problems teenagers "warn" us: if parents do not deal with the parent-child relationship with adolescent children, the consequences are difficult to estimate.
"Unbearable" adolescence
Even Shakespeare wanted to spend time in his sleep
What we call "puberty" usually refers to children between the ages of 13 and 19.
For a long time, people have regarded adolescence as an ordinary stage of development. It was not until the mid-20th century that scientists considered it to be a separate stage of development between childhood and adulthood.
So far, our research on adolescent children has not been profound. Therefore, for a long time, there have been two misunderstandings about children at this stage:
Misunderstanding one: Adolescence needs to be "boiled".
Adolescence is a period of immaturity, something that everyone needs to endure, and children can only "survive" in some way and leave as few scars as possible. As one parenting blogger said, "In adolescence, it's good for a child to live."
In the eyes of adults, the behavior of adolescent children looks chaotic and stupid. But in fact, adolescence is the golden time for children to develop at a high speed. If handled properly, children can not only survive puberty safely, but also achieve great growth and success.
Therefore, adolescence is by no means a "medieval" stage in life, nor is it just forbearance and perseverance.
Misunderstanding two: Adolescence needs to move towards independence and gradually break away from the attachment relationship with parents.
Adolescent children are eager to explore outward, and the nature of the child's relationship with their parents has changed, and friends and peers have become more important to them.
But that doesn't mean they don't need parent-child relationships and start to "go it alone" in the face of the world. In fact, we need intimacy all our lives, and adolescent children who have not yet left the nest and have begun to form their own families need the intimacy of their parents at this time.
Adolescent children are not "difficult to serve" or beastly beasts, they are just in a critical stage of development, and many things cannot be coordinated and synchronized.
The reason for this fragmentation is, on the one hand, related to the brain development of children at this stage.
Puberty arises because of healthy and natural changes in the brain that last from about 12 years of age to 24 or 25 years of age. Brain changes will trigger four psychological characteristics of the child at this stage:
Seeking novelty,
Active participation in society,
Strong emotions,
Engage in creative exploration.
Every point can be read positively, but there are also negative effects. Like what:
"Seeking something new" causes teens to underestimate the risks and harms that risky behaviors can bring, and they impulsively put an idea into action instead of stopping and thinking about the consequences first.
"Active participation in society" will enable adolescents to strengthen their interactions with their peers and generate new friendships. But they "disdain" associating with more knowledgeable and rational adults, and only with peers with more adventurous behaviors, which undoubtedly leads to increased risk to life.
Children at this stage, as Francis Jensen, chair of the Department of Neurology at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine and director of neurological research at Boston Children's Hospital, always "feel mature first, sanitize and then develop."
On the other hand, it is also related to the misalignment of the roles of parents and children with each other.
In the eyes of parents, our children are still the little babies who need our care and guidance, and we are used to "looking down" on them.
But from the perspective of adolescent children, parents who were seen as role models in childhood have now stepped off the altar and become real people – with shortcomings and limitations; in addition, one of the basic survival principles of adolescent children is to identify more with their peers than with their parents.
One side is accustomed to teachings and wants to hold on and not let go, while the other side is "dismissive" and tries to break free. This dislocation puts the parent-child relationship under tremendous pressure.
No wonder Shakespeare in "The Story of Winter" borrowed the words of the characters in the play to summarize adolescence as:
"I hope there is no other age between 16 and 23, otherwise I will let the youth spend the whole time in sleep; because what happens in the middle of this is nothing more than asking the girls to raise children, insulting the elders at will, stealing things, fighting." 」
Grasp the big and let go of the small, parents keep an eye on these 3 things
Unfortunately, we can't let children sleep through puberty at once, and this stage will consume more energy and effort of parents. But as long as we grasp the big and let go of the small, keep an eye on these 3 things, adolescent is not bitter for parents.
1. Set limits on anything in advance.
"Setting limits" is especially important for adolescent children, and the high-speed development of the brain can easily make them do things out of the ordinary. Therefore, even if they want to pursue a life of "debauchery and love freedom", parents must think of setting limits on the agenda.
The best way to do this is to make rules before your child reaches puberty and help them familiarize themselves with and develop habits of limiting everything. For example, for social, computer, mobile phone and other things that children love, we must stipulate the rules of use with them very early.
In addition, the adolescent mind, although very efficient, is not yet mature in terms of concentration, self-care, perseverance, and emotional control.
Therefore, it is best for parents to set a time limit for their children to "only do one thing at a time", and not to give them various instructions at once, adolescent children are really not good at handling multiple tasks in parallel.
Parents should preferably be able to write down the advice or instructions given to their children, not just dictate them, and should not have more than two points at a time.
2. Avoid having chronic sleep deprivation syndrome in your child.
Adolescent children are forced to follow adult sleep patterns because of schoolwork, get up early and go to bed late, which leads to most children who are sleep-deprived and may have chronic sleep deprivation syndrome.
At present, the scientific consensus is that adolescents need 9 to 10 hours of sleep per day. However, according to statistics, many children who enter secondary school lose an average of 2.75 hours of sleep every day because of their studies, use of electronic products, and social interaction.
Effects of development on the sleep rhythm system
How can parents ensure that their children get as much sleep as possible?
· Move the TV and computer out of your child's bedroom
· Try to avoid electronics an hour before your child goes to bed. (In a study conducted by the Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute's Lighting Research Center in the United States, scientists found that as long as you look at the screen of a mobile phone, computer or other electronic device for two hours, melatonin in the brain is reduced by 22%).
· After the child finishes school, parents first figure out what homework they have to complete and what they do, teach them how to sort the tasks they need to complete, and regularly supervise and check how they are doing.
Once your child has developed a habit, they can let go.
· Make it clear to your child that the bed is for sleeping, not for eating, swiping your phone, or playing games. Going to bed means preparing to go to sleep.
· The whole family implements the principle of "no quarrels after sunset" and can sleep peacefully at night.
We all know that good sleep can strengthen the learning effect, if you can not guarantee 9-10 hours of adequate sleep, then you may wish to let the child increase the lunch break, or several times a day nap, these two types of rest can also convert the knowledge of the child into long-term memory.
The bottom line is that even if you let your child take a walk for half an hour or so in a quiet place, it is good for the brain.
The University of Michigan once conducted a test in which students were divided into two groups, one for a 50-minute stroll through the Botanical Gardens and the other for a 50-minute walk on a densely trafficked street in downtown. After the break, the two groups of students continued to take the test, and the former group performed significantly better than the latter.
A week later, the researchers changed the places where the two groups of students rested, and the group of students who went for a stroll in the botanical garden did better.
3. The brain development of men and women in adolescence is different, and parents should treat them differently
During the developmental stages of the brain in early puberty, there are indeed differences in specific brain functions between the sexes.
Mary Piffer, a well-known psychotherapist in the United States, mentioned in "Raising Adolescent Girls" that girls who enter puberty are affected by factors such as development, social culture (such as sexism, appearanceism, etc.), and girls are more likely to "lose themselves" and begin to think from the past "who I am" and "what I want" to "what should I do to please others".
Adolescent boys, because the corpus callosum is smaller than girls, so that the communication between their left and right cerebral hemispheres is not good enough, so compared with girls, boys are not good at switching between different tasks, unwilling to communicate with relatives, and weak organizational skills.
Therefore, for adolescent girls, parents need to work harder to help them identify their social identity and face up to their gender; for adolescent boys, we need to teach them how to arrange their time and organize and coordinate their own things.
However, for both boys and girls, the following tips apply to parents for all children during adolescence:
1. Try to avoid children jumping at the first mistake, and calmly help them analyze their mistakes.
Adolescent children are very good at learning, so parents should use reliable information, data and examples to satisfy their curiosity and make their arguments convincing. If we lose our temper and fail to make sense of the truth, our relationship with our children will only become more distant.
2. In the digital age, people like to use mobile phones to communicate, if children like to use text messages to start conversations, parents may wish to do their bidding.
3. Although there are a bunch of problems in adolescent children, parents should also see more of their children's shining points and not be stingy with praise, so that children can be willing to ask you for help when they encounter trouble.
As parents, we are the first and most important role models for our children. How we take care of our lives and cope with various challenges, children will see it in their eyes and remember it in their hearts. Therefore, parents in the center of the adolescent whirlpool must first take care of themselves and let their children see your strength.
Most importantly, don't forget to let your child understand that we are always a team with them, and that we can face, solve, or even start over when we encounter any problems. This is the most important role of starting a family and becoming a parent.
Resources:
The Annoying Brain of Adolescence [Beauty] Francis Jensen / [American] Amy Ellis Nate
"Adolescent Brainstorm" (A. Daniel J. Siegel)